ok - so this is really just a list to myself of all the things I need to think and wrote more on.. all eth things that have happened in the first 3 weeks of eth new year...
I celebrate 15 years of marriage this year. we explored options on how to celebrate that, and ultimately decided that we want to celebrate with our children... so we are going to do a renewal of vows with the just teh kids as attendants... and it has REALLY made me think about WHY i married him - and HOW we relate to one another...
Went to an American Camp association conference this month... the keynote speaker spoke for over an hour about PARTNERSHIPS with PARENTS... VERY VERY thought provoking... and totally made me mentally revisit everything we have been through with eth school system with teh autism and the accomodations and why we are homeschooling, and why i think camp is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO important and how we need to be offering MORE educational alternatives that are experiential in nature... it seems like we need a revolution in education as a idea... but that includes a revolution in what it means to be a PARENT! What AM i responsible for? what SHOULD i feel guilty about? Where ARE the lines between interference and support? Why ARE we being judged by neighbors, social services, educators? there is a complicated dynamic between the social policing role we have given educators and the reality fo child violence....
Aspie son seems to have settled into a homeschool rhythym - FINALLY - it only took a year or so... but i think because we have FINALLY been honest and open about why and how he left school. He opened another window into the bullying he suffered at school, and showed us that his awareness of his own perpetration of bullying was greater than his awareness of the other kids'... so we finally were able to acknowledge that while, yes, he had done some bad things, we knew they happened for a reason and we could share blame with the kids too.... he hasn't really spoken about it, but he seems to be better about bringing himself off meltdowns, so i think he is in a better place, has found some peace with all that...
"NT" kid is struggling to read - am thinking dyslexia maybe? gearing up emotionally for more testing for more arguing with docs and school. AM pretty fearful about the kindergarten testing that will have to be turned in, but am also trying to just make it an act of faith... she HAS to have strengths, i just need to keep looking, get "tapped in" correctly... we WILL get there...
Have explored meditation further... and think i am doing it all wrong, but maybe not. I have been a deep thinker all my life, i have gotten to where the guided meditations are going, by a different route... but I am ALSO starting to feel like I "get" what they mean by "intention" driving action instead of just "doing"...
Have been struggling with doubt a lot... specifically about reality and "psychic" powers and intuition... i think i am getting better at recognizing what i "hear", but am still doubting myself... i can hear the Aspie kid pretty well, but am still so afraid I am making asumptions. and I feel like I need to explore more about how my intuition shapes how I teach... how am i "reading" groups? how do i "know" what direction to steer conversation? Am I as good a teacher as i think I am? What am I doing wrong when I "miss" the group? I just feel like I need to find a new vocabulary about these things, a new... level of acknowledgement? I am not sure what it is exactly, but i know it is waiting for me to find it...
I have developed an underlying sense of "getting ready" - in a new way than I have felt before... It's like I am not the one getting ready, somebody else is... maybe I am just less worried about our ability to cope? or maybe there is change coming for someone else? THIS is the kind of doubt that I need to answer...
so, hopefully, I will be able to get online and just think the snot out of all this stuff, explore ideas and places, and find priorities... but for now - I have left my kids at the science museum class without me for the first time ever...so I need to go pick them up...
