On [My current] Self-esteem

So, I am guessing this is as much a reflection of how I see the Asperger's in myself as much as an exploration of it's blow to my confidence...

I had a DRASTIC miscommunication this past month with another mother in my Girl Scout troop.  I inadvertently hurt her feelings VERY badly, and it has just left me shaking.... 

PLEASE NOTE: In True Aspie fashion, I am probably going to share too many details here. Understand that my effort is NOT to embarrass anyone [but myself] but to try to explore the reasons and effects of the miscommunication...

Thinking Day in Girl Scouting explores scouts around the world, since it is the anniversary of the day that Lord and Lady Powell (brother & sister) founded the world wide scouting movement.  In most locales, troops get together and share information about other countries - an academic pursuit, but also a time to try new foods, new costumes, new crafts... just explore information.  My troop has decided to explore Spain... largely because I suggested it.  Which I did because I have been there and have stuff the girls can touch and see from Spain.  There was a democratic vote from a long list of countries offered by many girls and adults in the troop... but Spain was selected.  I am the newest leader in this troop, so I am "cool" right now, and I will admit that this may have effected the mindsets of the girls...

Another mom in the troop has traditionally taken on this particular project/ event, and has done a knock up job at it, by all accounts.  She does NOT have familiarity with Spain, so I sent out an email to her and the main leader about Spain.  The problem, of course, is that I know too much, have trouble narrowing it down, and am passionate about my knowledge - WAY too into it, and see it connected in so many ways... As I told them - I think in "circles", not lines, or even outlines, and I have a VERY hard time telling what the Key Points are because they are ALL key to me... every detail is attached to another, to create the whole picture.   What do the girls need to know about Spain? EVERYTHING! So I wrote them a summary, from a couple different view points (cultural icons vs historical themes vs locations)... and asked them to help pick out what they wanted to stress.

The other mom checked her resources too, and brought to my attention a couple details I had forgotten - like tapas.  So I responded to her that she was correct, but then elaborated the definition of tapas, trying to validate and deepen the discussion...

Unfortunately I used the same "voice" I speak with - except that the typed word just does NOT have enough italics and caps and bold to communicate the connotation my head is trying to impart.  

So I wrote some words in all caps...

And it was taken as yelling, as an insult to intelligence, as an affront to her attempt to add to the conversation...

And that created a bad personal politics situation for the whole troop and the whole event - because she decided that the best way to deal with my mannerisms was to withdraw.  I would like to validate her course of action.  The American Way is ALL about being able to withdraw from the game, about being allowed to go separate ways with out malice or violent repercussions... I often tell students that what is Great about America is that EVERYONE has the right to be wrong - we do NOT have to agree. 

So, I was wrong.

And it came to tears.  I insulted her effort to help with the one event all year tat she volunteers to do.  It was hurtful.  She went to the head leader, and I walked in on the conversation on accident, and it was all made aware to me...

And I was hurt.  I was, and am, SO VERY VERY sorry that my enthusiasm was misunderstood, and came across as threatening!  I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY!!!!  

So, I did what I have always been trained to do... I assumed responsibility for the misunderstanding, the miscommunication.  I told her that I was sorry, that I have found my enthusiasm to be overwhelming and threatening to others before and that I just forgot myself and got carried away, that I by NO means meant "yelling", and had truly intended to validate her research and contribution.  

She looked to me still upset...

So I continued talking...

And I explained  that I have an Aspie kid, and I must be Aspie too, and that I clearly needed to work on the same skills I was trying to teach my child...

And the whole conversation changed.

She too has a Spectrum child, older than mine, high functioning, like mine... but in that moment her body language changed... I felt like she diagnosed me, and dismissed me instantly.

I felt like I had given her a weapon to use against me.

Now, being "Aspie" - it is possible I TOTALLY mis-read this.  Maybe she just felt more comfortable, but I felt vulnerable.

And my confidence is CRUSHED.  How can I teach my children what I apparently cannot do?  How can I arm my children with strategies that do not work for me?  Am I honestly just too intense?  AM I a threat to others?  Is it really SUCH a crime to be passionate, enthusiastic, intense?

Tomorrow night I leave for a professional conference, a 3 day event, at which I am supposed to represent myself to the "camp" industry.  My deepest hope is to bring the world to see that "camp", that "experiential education" is a LEGITIMATE educational format, a forum that is NEEDED in today's educational environment.  To "learn by doing" would help ALL students, but ESPECIALLY SPECTRUM STUDENTS!!!!  I often tell "camp" people - all those kids that "fall through the cracks" in schools, we can "CATCH" them when we take them out for team building activities and challenge courses!  

But I am also DEEPLY afraid that my enthusiasm will hurt my cause, that my passion for helping those kids, like mine, that NEED  to learn by getting their whole bodies and hearts involved will scare others away...

I am so afraid to "let my light shine" lest it burn the corneas of those who need to approach...

And understand - I do not blame the other mom.  It is possible that she "overreacted", but that is immaterial to the fact that I triggered her reaction...  I did not do what I keep trying to teach my kids to do - I did NOT make the people around me comfortable with me.

And that brings me to question: WHY am I ingrained with taking the responsibility?  WHY do I "make" myself the victim, the trouble maker?  Is this part of the Social Discrimination that Adult Autistics are trying to bring to light?