giving up

I need to remember this day.
I am DONE.
I am so very very angry & dissappointed in my self, in life...

Son will NOT do his written work, tears and screaming every time I even mention the workbook, writing is illegible, stories make no sense, mistakes not corrected

I am so very tired of asking nicely, I'm asking not nicely.. demanding that the WRITE SO IT CAN BE READ. I am so MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Other child lost her ONE workbook - no evidence of her learning... of course, she "looked"  - she never finds ANYTHING she looks for.  we have though maybe it was a visual processing issue 'cuz she NEVER NEVER NEVER finds stuff in clutter.  But I can't get her eyes checked anyhow - not covered by insurance, I ain't got no money for that shit.

And why, to provide her one more excuse? I have spent over a year trying to get testing done to figure out why reading is so hard - they found nothing wrong, of course.  And then she started reading before we've even been able to get the final follow up appt. all THAT money wasted.

f*ck this shit.

I am ready to give up. I am DONE. I hate this business of trying to live 3 people's lives at one time.

These kids don't care if they are homeschooled. They don't care if they go back and get broken like everybody else.

I can't really protect them, right?  I mean, the world is a tough place and they are gonna be broken down by life around them any how, right?

What the hell could possibly make me think I am whole enough to do this?

Like every other time in my life I have All the tools I need and still can't get the job done.  Where are the successes I am supposed to have built on?

HUH?!
ANYONE?!?

there is nothing.

I need to remember this day 'cuz someday this will be a far memory. Some day it will all be ok, better than ok, and I will be able to look at that list of successes, and I will know that I have made the world a better place, that it is not just that I need to take f*cking medication so I feel like I did better, but I will ACTUALLY do better.

Someday autism will not be an excuse.
Someday these children will thrive, someday I will not feel like I am passing on my own fear and insecurities to them,

Someday they will be in a healthy place and I will NOT feel like it is all my fault...

And someday I will feel safe enough to actually post this, to actually share this - because I won't feel like people are watching &  judging me, looking for ways that I have failed and trying to find reasons to take my children from me.

I am so very very tired of hurting feelings.

All I can hear is every criticism ever offered me.

I am not patient enough.
i am too passionate
I am too loud.
I am not calm enough.
I am not organized enough.
I am not determined enough.

I am just not enough.
ever.

How can I be enough to homeschool these kids?
How can I be enough to build them?

Someday I will look at this and know I should not have given up.