I need to remember this day.
I am DONE.
I am so very very angry & dissappointed in my self, in life...
Son will NOT do his written work, tears and screaming every time I even mention the workbook, writing is illegible, stories make no sense, mistakes not corrected
I am so very tired of asking nicely, I'm asking not nicely.. demanding that the WRITE SO IT CAN BE READ. I am so MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Other child lost her ONE workbook - no evidence of her learning... of course, she "looked" - she never finds ANYTHING she looks for. we have though maybe it was a visual processing issue 'cuz she NEVER NEVER NEVER finds stuff in clutter. But I can't get her eyes checked anyhow - not covered by insurance, I ain't got no money for that shit.
And why, to provide her one more excuse? I have spent over a year trying to get testing done to figure out why reading is so hard - they found nothing wrong, of course. And then she started reading before we've even been able to get the final follow up appt. all THAT money wasted.
f*ck this shit.
I am ready to give up. I am DONE. I hate this business of trying to live 3 people's lives at one time.
These kids don't care if they are homeschooled. They don't care if they go back and get broken like everybody else.
I can't really protect them, right? I mean, the world is a tough place and they are gonna be broken down by life around them any how, right?
What the hell could possibly make me think I am whole enough to do this?
Like every other time in my life I have All the tools I need and still can't get the job done. Where are the successes I am supposed to have built on?
there is nothing.
I need to remember this day 'cuz someday this will be a far memory. Some day it will all be ok, better than ok, and I will be able to look at that list of successes, and I will know that I have made the world a better place, that it is not just that I need to take f*cking medication so I feel like I did better, but I will ACTUALLY do better.
Someday autism will not be an excuse.
Someday these children will thrive, someday I will not feel like I am passing on my own fear and insecurities to them,
Someday they will be in a healthy place and I will NOT feel like it is all my fault...
And someday I will feel safe enough to actually post this, to actually share this - because I won't feel like people are watching & judging me, looking for ways that I have failed and trying to find reasons to take my children from me.
I am so very very tired of hurting feelings.
All I can hear is every criticism ever offered me.
I am not patient enough.
i am too passionate
I am too loud.
I am not calm enough.
I am not organized enough.
I am not determined enough.
I am just not enough.
How can I be enough to homeschool these kids?
How can I be enough to build them?
Someday I will look at this and know I should not have given up.