Mother's Day

Every year, my father sends me a flowering plant.  He has a relationship with the florist in my town, and he calls and asks them to send me a "hardy" plant with flowers.  He knows that I am a long time terror to plants everywhere.  Puppies and babies, I'm good, but plants are a whole other story.  The carcasses of potted plants litter my porch and kitchen table:  the hibiscus I killed this winter, the hanging plant I forgot to water, the succulent made it a good 6 months, but winter took away the air moisture.

My father wants to help me fill my life with beauty.  His wish for me is to have lasting beauty and joy, to remind me how much he loves me and honors my work as a mother all year long.  He gets these plants for my mother, my godmothers, and for grandmothers when they were alive.  He seeks to SHOW us that he loves us, thinks of us, and we are a part of God's beauty, celebrating the power to begin new life.

The card he sends with my flowers has never been signed from him.  He signs it, "From the in-laws and the out-laws."  He has always credited this annual gift from my entire family, both sides. I know that the ones he sends to my godmothers he signs from my brother & I and the lady's biological children.

Now that there are granddaughters, my father also sends a single flower to each of them on mother's day as well.  It is admittedly a token, but none-the-less honors the woman they will each become.  I think he assumes they will eventually be mothers only because is his world, life is simply not complete without the full circle of generations.  His children have been his greatest treasure, and his greatest hope is that his children and grandchildren will know an equivalent joy. [We have a great story about the first one my daughter ever got. she shook it with joy so much, she lost all the petals within 3 minutes of receiving it.  She proudly carried the stem all day!]

It is a small (and somewhat futile) token to send flowers/ plants - but I am so incredibly thankful EVERY time because I understand what he wishes to share.

This year, I did not have my children with me for mother's day.  My work schedule is full, long and hectic (overnight camps/ trainings, staffing emergencies, sudden call-ins), so my children have gone to spend the spring with my folks.  My mother gets my children for mother's day.  This year they slept, because they went to a festival the day before, and my mother did not get to go out or have breakfast in bed served to her [quite frankly she would flip out if my kids made that kind of mess in her kitchen.  We tried when we were little and she has never forgiven us for giving her Garlic Eggs].  I am confident that later this week, when my father feels she is rested enough, they will all go out for dinner.  She told me she enjoyed working in the garden with the kids, teaching them, building memories with them, loving them.

I missed my kids. I was pretty sad all weekend about it - but I was also working.  I put in 7 - 9 hours each day.  I could not have spent it with them anyhow.  And actually - we went out as a family a few weeks ago because we knew we couldn't go this year.  Our little tradition is to go to  a local winery and picnic.  We have tried to go to a different winery every year so that my children can keep making their world bigger. [um - that's kinda my idea]  Being apart from them made me realize just how much I love them, just how really cool they are, and what good memories we have.  I am lucky that my folks are willing and able to keep my kids for a few weeks - but even luckier to have kids in the first place.

My mother-in-law is gravely ill.  Mother's Day was also filled with worried texts and calls - keeping track of her very slow progress after 2 more strokes this month.  My husband is preparing his heart, his mind, for the inevitable.  His sisters live much closer than we do and are bearing the brunt of the distress, but being Aspie himself, he doesn't deal with change well and is having a hard time thinking of anything he can do to help the situation.  While praying for my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law, it drove home how fragile this balance between building memories and letting go is...  Watching other moms on Mother's Day reminded me how much I already miss their infancy and toddler-hood.  I can only imagine what my mother and mother-in-law feel, and I can only imagine what my sisters-in-law feel knowing such an important resource is going from them...

Seeing my husband deal with the changing relationship there has really made me think about how and why I love him, and how and why I love my son.  I have realized that every time I look at my son, I see the curious toddler, the smiling infant.  His mother must see the same of him [she has started calling our son by my husband's name because the strokes have taken away some memory].  I cannot see my husband that way.  I have decided that a mother overlooks a son's adult behaviors because she always sees the boy within, and a wife overlooks the childish behaviors because she sees the man within. 

My husband worked VERY hard to honor me despite my work schedule.  We went for ice cream and a short walk in the woods.  We remembered when we first met, and when the kids were born, and spoke about their personalities and futures.  We just enjoyed each other and our memories, and looking forward to more memories.

And I was reminded that - being a mom is NEVER alone.  Not just the "you will never pee by yourself alone again" kind of never alone - but also the "you can't do this by yourself" kind of never alone.  When the kids were infants, super littles, there was such a sense of isolation, of overwhelming separation from the universe.  I had a VERY VERY hard time.  The Truth is that you kinda need it - no one can really help you figure out nursing, and you have to build that set of  expectations about "normal" for your specific family, and you need create that dynamic of "safety" [what do you feel safe about them doing, what do you feel safe doing with them] from your solitary perspective.  I am sure that society adds to that sense of isolation [with BS about public breast feeding and social guilt of parenting from information instead of the gut], but even Maria Montessori identified the way Nature builds a "bubble" around new moms to let them bond with babes.  

The process of diagnosis for Autism has been a huge part of my Self Parable.  It has been a cataclysmic event to Teach me what I needed to hear.  The lesson I have ALWAYS shared (MY insight) is that I can not do this alone.  I had to learn that I not only need others to help me be a mom, but both my children and I deserve that kind of help.  It does take a village.  I am pretty sure that it will take more than one village for us...

And THAT is what this Mother's Day brought me:  It is NOT about "Mom".  It is about the Mother in each of us.  There are many women I work with, godmothers to my children, who have made the choice to not have families [and there are MANY people who will tell you that teaching is the BEST birth control.  It is very hard to be fair to your own kids when so much of your emotional energy goes to caring for other people's.  Part of the reason my kids go away during this time of year is to protect them from my emotional exhaustion.] - yet they all help love my children.   They get gifts for them when they hurt, and they babysit and go to the park, and they ask me about the kids every day, and they help me to talk out my parenting decisions, provide insight into my fears, and protect me from parenting in a vacuum.  I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE.  I absolutely need my girl friends, and my husband, and my parents, and my in-laws, and our scout communities to help me equip, inform and love my children.

THIS Mother's Day - I want to honor the Mom in EVERYONE, male or female, young or old, biological parent or emotional parent, overt or covert, willing or reluctant, inspired or fearful... there is a piece inside EVERY one that nurtures, provides, cares, cleans, sees the connection between the child and the adult.  I celebrate that we have it, and THANK all who express it!

I thought very hard about my daughter this weekend too.  I also want to honor the Mom in her.  Not just because she is very mothering [taking care of her brother, to the point of bossy and enabling], but because she deserves to know before her time of isolation [if she has one] that she isn't really alone, ever.  I see the shining beauty she brings the world, and I know that time will bring that love and joy depth and texture.  I SO look forward to knowing the woman she will become.  The quote that made me think of her this weekend [I saw on FB] was to the effect of, "Celebrate your uniqueness; don't get yourself tripped up playing dress up in another woman's heels"

A little belated, but very heart felt "Happy Mother's Day" to all!

Why Dragons?

In today's age of corporate logos, highlight reels, and headline flashing, my husband argued with me vehemenently that I shouldn't have to explain how I came up with a name.  But one thing I have learned to embrace as a mother of a high-functioning autistic child is to embrace my instincts.  I have a sense of identify with this name, and here's why:

BIG

Ok, well I am not small.  My Wii Mii is as round as they can make it.  My child has taken to describing to me lately how much bigger I am than other adults around (nothing like the honesty of Asperger's!).  But my Wii Age is still younger than my actual age, so I am moving around pretty well for a big girl.  In truth, I need to be better about exercising and eating habits for a lot of reasons (and don't for a lot of reasons too) but I have also been the same weight for 14 years, through 2 pregnancies... I consider my size God's destiny.

But "Big" doesn't just describe my body.  I am very loud... in almost every sense of that word.  I have very good volume.  They have never given me a whistle on the playground.  My dad is a retired cop.  I have learned to be "present" from a young age (some take that as confidence, others as arrogance).  I wear my heart on my sleeve (I have always said that is fairest to everyone else so they know when to leave me alone).  I feel that it is my God-given responsibility to speak up when things can be improved, to "right the wrongs", to "call it as I see it".  I love deeply, loyally, passionately... whether it's taking care of my family, or teaching swim lessons, or picking up Appalachian Trail Hikers... I do my best to act lovingly to everyone.  If I were to die today, I want people to say, "That woman had a Big Heart."

There are other reasons to choose "Big".  My best friend in high school told me when we parted for college that her friendship with me taught her the true meaning of "depth of character".  The moniker I have earned as a camp staff member as an adult includes "Big".  I am deeply reflective, and pretty knowledgeable on a good number of things.  Lord knows I have often been accused of thinking too big!  I know that I am a "forest" thinker - a big picture thinker, sometimes so much so that I lose the "trees" (like punctuation).  Like Luke Skywalker, I get so caught up in seeing the possibilities that I lose hold of where I really am.

So, I am Big.

DRAGON

Well, I have had a preoccupation with dragons since I can remember.  Yes, I read too many fantasy novels (because I love how they have "big picture" plots!), so I have read many interpretations about what a dragon could be.  The universal attribute of dragons is power, whether for good or evil, a dragon's power is MUCH larger than it's actual size.  In many stories dragons possess the power of change... whether they change themselves or the world, they are usually described as being able to portray themselves in a way that makes them an integral member of the community they exert power in even though they are also outside of it, "above" it.  I am guessing this all appeals to me because I am probably Asperger's myself and have had a hard time finding a way to place myself in society... but I'll get into that later.
To me, dragons are beings of wisdom as well.  They always know more about the history and the context and the underlying circumstances.  Their minds and hearts are "big", full of knowledge. As beings of wisdom, they are Teachers, instructors that help to guide all the lives and events into the Great Web of Life, into that Divine Plan.  They are often guides to world around them, by their own ourposes or the purposes of others.  When the characters in a fantasy novel don't know who else to turn to, when they have exhausted all the libraries and wizards and sages, they seek dragons.

Then I became a parent.  Even before my children were born, I knew that I wanted them to know, have the power of dragons. I decorated the nursery with dragons (and you would be surprised!  There are LOTS of childish dragons out there!  It is sooooo cool!) based on a triptych of prints (I found at the Renaissance Festival) of a dragon growing up with a teddy bear.  I hope they will be able to see their own power and development mirrored in those pictures. (Of course the back of my head also thought - great! now we don't have to redecorate for every stage - a theme they can grow with = less painting.)

Then we started the process of "being" autistic - getting a diagnosis, accepting a diagnosis, finding treatments, negotiating with the schools, giving him room to BE himself.  My child is "high functioning", and has many skills more profoundly "autistic" people don't, but that doesn't change the fact that that one’s head just works in an alien manner, and the body is not always a friend.  My child needs to know the power of a dragon that lives inside the self... the power that lets one own your differences and release innate abilities.  In an article of a mother of a child with a terminal illness she described herself as a "dragon parent" - spewing the flaming hard truth of changed priorities when you know from the outset that your child never needs to be trained to be an adult.  While it is probable that my children will live that long, there is no guarantee they will function as an adult.  As the "people-first" language says, disabled is the only minority that ANYONE could join, at ANY time in their lives (car accidents, illness, sporting accidents, etc.).  That passionately honest piece of me wants to be the "dragon parent" that sees and speaks the hard truths, that values the Right Now because tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I need to find a way to worry less about eth future so I can relish the zest if the present.  I have joined the ranks of what the L.A. Times called the Warrior Parents - found my own dragon powers to fight, protect and nurture my great treasures.

So, I am a Dragon.

MAMA

Well, obvious at this point, I am a mom.  The truth is that it is all I ever wanted to be.  I come from a looooong line of teachers, so there is some innate "mothering" behaviors that I have always displayed (whether emulated or instinctive).  Even in middle school I recognized those mothering behaviors in myself (with the help of my smothered best friend).  I have considered (and still do) parenting to be a sacred duty, the pinnacle of vocation, for my self and others.  Granted my perceptions and expectations of what a parent "should" be doing have changed as we have lived with autism, I still believe in the holiness of parenting.

And I still mother every body.  It is also a part of my camp moniker: "Mama", and not only because I answer to it! ;)  I am constantly reminding people to use the bathroom.  I kiss boo boos and offer advice, and I have high expectations of integrity for everyone while trying to genuinely love them, find where I can best help them, nurture them.  I share food, give lots of hugs, and bestow what insights I can. 

I am Mama.

So there you go.  That is the best explanation I have for BigDragonMama right now.  My bet is that it will get even more defined and clearer as I continue to grow into it.  I'll keep you posted! ;)

You know - I just read my "About Me" just under my name and found a summary:
I am a Connector - Big - my "what"
I am a Teacher - Dragon - my "how"
I am a Mother - Mama - my "why"