giving up

I need to remember this day.
I am DONE.
I am so very very angry & dissappointed in my self, in life...

Son will NOT do his written work, tears and screaming every time I even mention the workbook, writing is illegible, stories make no sense, mistakes not corrected

I am so very tired of asking nicely, I'm asking not nicely.. demanding that the WRITE SO IT CAN BE READ. I am so MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Other child lost her ONE workbook - no evidence of her learning... of course, she "looked"  - she never finds ANYTHING she looks for.  we have though maybe it was a visual processing issue 'cuz she NEVER NEVER NEVER finds stuff in clutter.  But I can't get her eyes checked anyhow - not covered by insurance, I ain't got no money for that shit.

And why, to provide her one more excuse? I have spent over a year trying to get testing done to figure out why reading is so hard - they found nothing wrong, of course.  And then she started reading before we've even been able to get the final follow up appt. all THAT money wasted.

f*ck this shit.

I am ready to give up. I am DONE. I hate this business of trying to live 3 people's lives at one time.

These kids don't care if they are homeschooled. They don't care if they go back and get broken like everybody else.

I can't really protect them, right?  I mean, the world is a tough place and they are gonna be broken down by life around them any how, right?

What the hell could possibly make me think I am whole enough to do this?

Like every other time in my life I have All the tools I need and still can't get the job done.  Where are the successes I am supposed to have built on?

HUH?!
ANYONE?!?

there is nothing.

I need to remember this day 'cuz someday this will be a far memory. Some day it will all be ok, better than ok, and I will be able to look at that list of successes, and I will know that I have made the world a better place, that it is not just that I need to take f*cking medication so I feel like I did better, but I will ACTUALLY do better.

Someday autism will not be an excuse.
Someday these children will thrive, someday I will not feel like I am passing on my own fear and insecurities to them,

Someday they will be in a healthy place and I will NOT feel like it is all my fault...

And someday I will feel safe enough to actually post this, to actually share this - because I won't feel like people are watching &  judging me, looking for ways that I have failed and trying to find reasons to take my children from me.

I am so very very tired of hurting feelings.

All I can hear is every criticism ever offered me.

I am not patient enough.
i am too passionate
I am too loud.
I am not calm enough.
I am not organized enough.
I am not determined enough.

I am just not enough.
ever.

How can I be enough to homeschool these kids?
How can I be enough to build them?

Someday I will look at this and know I should not have given up.

flailing around...

lots of hints from the universe that it is time for me to change directions.
really this is for me, not for you, but maybe you can help...
trying to come up with that inventory list of "things I am good at", but...
I have realized I allowed myself to be taken advantage of for too long, hoping that the evidence of my emotional commitment would translate into long-term pay off...
it's like being in an ugly relationship.
I gave lots of time.
without reimbursement.
was told to finally just write it off and stop working.
they invested in my training, let me learn more and move in new directions.
they were happy with the evidence of what I had accomplished.
I held out, expecting my loyalty to be rewarded.
but I guess people don't do that kind of thing anymore - i am feeling very betrayed.
When I asked to be compensated for what I actually had given, I was told to ask no further and give less.
and when the time came to continue investing in my training, they decided "it would be one more thing on my plate" - I can't hack it.
I said, "a vote of no confidence"?
"oh no!" - they were just being "real".
"Aren't you glad you don't have to handle that problem?"
the last time someone said that to me, they were systematically denying my child the services he had a prescription for, dooming him to a life of physical and emotional recovery by their inaction.
I know what i know.
i know how to teach.
i feel when kids learn.
i know the future of education is NOT in classrooms.
several different job openings have come up in the past week alone.
you have to jump through every open window to see what doors open to you.
they all feel wrong.
i am not living my passion.
i researched.
i attended professional conferences.
I am nearly 1/2 way through my life and I am only now starting to touch on a career, a job, that will make the world a better place...
I understand why moms feel that their investment in the world is their own child - because it is all you have time for.
it is SO UNFAIR that my child has to carry the weight of my success - or lack thereof.
I REFUSE to pass on my dreams of success to my children!  they deserve their OWN dreams, their OWN purposes.
AM I larger than just 2 kids?
there are so many other people already doing what I am just starting...
tons of people offer training and info on sensory practices and autism.
tons of people teach outside the classroom.
tons of people teach swimming.
tons of people raise autistic kids, and homeschool, and get by on not enough money.
every time I do my classes, people leave awe-struck.  they are absolutely in a place where they are seeing things in a new light.
every time.
what is the next step?
again, i am at a place where i need to envision a better future, one in which i can make the world a better place and meet my responsibilities to my family...
i don't even know where to begin.
how can people see me as an effective parent but an ineffective worker?
how can every thing that is my strength be my weakness  too?
creativity, passion, flexibility...
yet people see someone who can't hack it.
i can't blame the kids... i floundered around for years before they were born.  I fought being a teacher for a long time...
i have worked in just about every educational environment imaginable below college.
so where is my list of skills?
i teach.
that's it.
one.
is teaching in and of itself unrespectable?  is that why I feel like I have no skills?
or is it me undeserving of respect?
or am i just not giving it to myself?
i clearly have not been.
i do not want to step into overconfidence.
life kicks me in the a$$ every single time I start to get confident.
am I not religious enough?
not spiritual enough?
not crediting God instead of what He made me to be?
I feel like I am trying to remake me again, to redefine...
but it only works if I am my True Self,
if the puzzle piece stops changing shape to try to fit in the hole.

where do i look to find my True Self?
How do i define that which is unseen?
when do I get to stop second guessing?
why is this so hard?
why is it so much easier to see the strengths in others than it is in yourself?

I am going to collapse on myself, retire into a state of writhing unrest, look too hard for what is too obvious to others.
i will have to be very very careful that I do not hurt anyone else in the process.
I have been on this road before & i do NOT want to go down it again.

how do i avoid that?

i can teach everyone but me, i guess.

so, what is the inventory of strengths?