More on this Parenting Guilt Thing...

I know I have belabored this point...
I have over thunk it, torn it apart, put it back together, and tried to refocus around it or through it, or something..
It may not show up in this forum that way, but all my friends have heard it, and my head has heard it too much..

Sometimes I am appalled at how much our parenting is compelled by fear... by guilt...

I was able to see my Mom's guilt, and determined to not pass it on to my kids, though I do not think I succeeded...

I was able to see how my father's fear defined our lives, and determined not to pass that on to my kids, but I didn't really succeed at that either...

The Autism is a driving Fear Factor in our household.  We have inadvertently used it to try to motivate our son into meeting the new responsibilities and challenges he faces as he grows up.  We are afraid.  Afraid he will not be able to use a pubic bathroom independently (still.. at age 10).  Afraid he will not put enough effort into studies to use his intellectual potential. Afraid he will not be able to eat at a table of people without disgusting them.  Afraid he will make someone angry enough to hit back, verbally or physically.  Afraid he will lock himself up emotionally with fear and not let us love him and help him.  Afraid that he hates himself.  Afraid he will hurt himself.  Afraid he will hurt others.

Desperately, unspeakably afraid that someone will take him away from us, that someone will decide we just don't love him enough...

There is just so much fear.

We know he is a caring person.  He keeps the secret of the Tooth Fairy and Santa for his younger sister and children everywhere (even though he argues with her that fairies are not real).  He includes us in his daily story-telling as characters and in tat dialogue tells us that he loves us and understands our perspectives.  As always, he tries very hard to engage us in play.

While Autism looms largest, it is not the only fear.  Dyslexia is looming pretty large in our horizon.

We have allowed our fear that she will be taken advantage of to let us fall into that trap of saying the non-reader is lazy.  Our daughter is a loving person, aware of people's feelings, trying to figure out the universe in this skewed version she's landed in.  She loves movement, and struggles to hear and see like the rest of us.  She is teaching her brother invaluable lessons in bending to others, sharing space and time, and being family.  But we have hit a place where she is afraid she doesn't have what it takes, where she fear of the comparison that finds her lacking stifles her effort.  She copes with her people skills - she asks for help.  She acts helpless so that others will help her.

I am so very very tired of the fear.  My heart is starting to tell me that we have NOTHING FEAR EXCEPT FEAR ITSELF.  If we just play, if we just love them, won;t they know how fabulous they are? Won't they grow into the beauty we expect of them? Won't that really be all they really need?

It is easier for me on sunny days, but I am going to try REALLY, REALLY hard to just love them! to just PLAY with them! to just ENJOY MY CHILDREN.

I am going to set aside the workbooks and pressure.  I am going to LOVE them!

And I need your help reminding me of all this as we move forward.  I need you to remind me that loving people is more important than testing them, or molding them, or even teaching them.

And kudos to my parenting partner, to my husband, to their father, for helping me to rediscover the love in this journey on a constant basis.

flailing around...

lots of hints from the universe that it is time for me to change directions.
really this is for me, not for you, but maybe you can help...
trying to come up with that inventory list of "things I am good at", but...
I have realized I allowed myself to be taken advantage of for too long, hoping that the evidence of my emotional commitment would translate into long-term pay off...
it's like being in an ugly relationship.
I gave lots of time.
without reimbursement.
was told to finally just write it off and stop working.
they invested in my training, let me learn more and move in new directions.
they were happy with the evidence of what I had accomplished.
I held out, expecting my loyalty to be rewarded.
but I guess people don't do that kind of thing anymore - i am feeling very betrayed.
When I asked to be compensated for what I actually had given, I was told to ask no further and give less.
and when the time came to continue investing in my training, they decided "it would be one more thing on my plate" - I can't hack it.
I said, "a vote of no confidence"?
"oh no!" - they were just being "real".
"Aren't you glad you don't have to handle that problem?"
the last time someone said that to me, they were systematically denying my child the services he had a prescription for, dooming him to a life of physical and emotional recovery by their inaction.
I know what i know.
i know how to teach.
i feel when kids learn.
i know the future of education is NOT in classrooms.
several different job openings have come up in the past week alone.
you have to jump through every open window to see what doors open to you.
they all feel wrong.
i am not living my passion.
i researched.
i attended professional conferences.
I am nearly 1/2 way through my life and I am only now starting to touch on a career, a job, that will make the world a better place...
I understand why moms feel that their investment in the world is their own child - because it is all you have time for.
it is SO UNFAIR that my child has to carry the weight of my success - or lack thereof.
I REFUSE to pass on my dreams of success to my children!  they deserve their OWN dreams, their OWN purposes.
AM I larger than just 2 kids?
there are so many other people already doing what I am just starting...
tons of people offer training and info on sensory practices and autism.
tons of people teach outside the classroom.
tons of people teach swimming.
tons of people raise autistic kids, and homeschool, and get by on not enough money.
every time I do my classes, people leave awe-struck.  they are absolutely in a place where they are seeing things in a new light.
every time.
what is the next step?
again, i am at a place where i need to envision a better future, one in which i can make the world a better place and meet my responsibilities to my family...
i don't even know where to begin.
how can people see me as an effective parent but an ineffective worker?
how can every thing that is my strength be my weakness  too?
creativity, passion, flexibility...
yet people see someone who can't hack it.
i can't blame the kids... i floundered around for years before they were born.  I fought being a teacher for a long time...
i have worked in just about every educational environment imaginable below college.
so where is my list of skills?
i teach.
that's it.
one.
is teaching in and of itself unrespectable?  is that why I feel like I have no skills?
or is it me undeserving of respect?
or am i just not giving it to myself?
i clearly have not been.
i do not want to step into overconfidence.
life kicks me in the a$$ every single time I start to get confident.
am I not religious enough?
not spiritual enough?
not crediting God instead of what He made me to be?
I feel like I am trying to remake me again, to redefine...
but it only works if I am my True Self,
if the puzzle piece stops changing shape to try to fit in the hole.

where do i look to find my True Self?
How do i define that which is unseen?
when do I get to stop second guessing?
why is this so hard?
why is it so much easier to see the strengths in others than it is in yourself?

I am going to collapse on myself, retire into a state of writhing unrest, look too hard for what is too obvious to others.
i will have to be very very careful that I do not hurt anyone else in the process.
I have been on this road before & i do NOT want to go down it again.

how do i avoid that?

i can teach everyone but me, i guess.

so, what is the inventory of strengths?

AEE conference- Professional Development

About a month ago I ran across a reference to the Association for Experiential Education.  I had heard of it before, but this time was "closer to home".  The international conference was to be held near my parents' home, on a weekend that I was already free from parenting responsibilities.  It just felt like an opportunity that could not be missed.  

So, I didn't miss it.  I was able to go for only one day, not the whole conference, but that's still something.  So, I had new business cards made, cleared the calendar days, changed the oil in my car, and drove down.

Funny thing about professional development - it's more than just professional.  Maybe it has to do with my own sense of connectedness and synchronicity, or maybe it has to do with this "experiential education" industry, or maybe it's that your "professional" self is just an expression of your divinely designated responsibilities to humanity... but I certainly had personal development as well as learning a whole lot about this profession.

So I am going recall, to reflect, to try to process...

The closing event was an award to the "facilitator of the year" - who (naturally) turned out to be an interesting character.  What struck me is how he described that he "trusted the process" of experience, of letting time and experience work together to teach, to let the learning happen.  He told some stories to sum up his experience, and said that while he hadn't figured out why these stories were important yet, he knew that time would show him why...

I trust...

Experience IS the best teacher...

The night before the event, I had an odd dream, about changing jobs, about working in a prison undercover (I had watched Magnum P.I.), and just before I woke, as my body struggled to pull my mind out of that reality into the stretching and bodily awareness of my bed, I literally ran back into the "room" I had been in and yelled, "I have an idea!  We need to establish a Family Adventure Therapy Program!"  My head visualized it as some Big Key, Primary Component.  I woke incredulous.  I am not a therapist.  I am a teacher.  I have no experience, background, or reference for that idea.

I had scoured the website, seeking this details that would allow me to negotiate the space of the event successfully - maps of classroom/ meeting rooms, mention of registration hours, where to park... didn't find it.  So I went over an hour early.  Turns out it was a straight shot, easy to find, clearly marked, and Starbucks was open.

I perused the workshop listings.  I had made the final emotional commitment to coming because one workshop was specifically about working with Autism.  There were 2 other time slots to fill.  I found one about assessment.  I feel like assessment is the key "sticking point" that makes schooling ineffective.  I also feel like we need better vocabulary to describe what we see when we assess.  At the very end of the listing a workshop was listed: "Family Enrichment Adventure Therapy: FEAT".  Was that really relevant to me?

Assessment workshop: VERY useful, very insightful.  Made an immediate link with Sensory Processing language, found a new resource.  Also gained insight into how those decisions to "read" a group and choose a good catalyst for change (the next challenge activity) were made.  The assessment had to do with the facilitator goals (the end objective), but it also was about what classroom teachers call "ongoing assessment" - figuring out where a student is "at".  It also was clear that the language they used to assess is similar to what I do with sensory awareness with swim students.  I speak to my observation/ feeling, suggesting a vocabulary for the learner, and then invite them to share their differences in perception (allow myself to be wrong)... letting the learner own their learned experience. The instructor was specific about not using the word "why", but instead "how would you describe" or "what do you think happened".  He felt "why" was too big, too open-ended... I have always felt like "why" is the elephant in the room - the one thing people won't ask.  I also learned 2 new activities.  I also was called out on being an "autism mom" and trying to facilitate surprise and re-label risk.

ActivatEE session: it was unclear what that would be, but everyone was invited.  It turned out to be EPIC.  5 general members were invited to have their 5 minutes of platform, their 5 minutes to inspire, their 5 minutes to be heard.  It was moving.  Gender equality, authenticity to self, authentic assessment, finding motivation in disaster, inspired insightfulness...  great storytelling, great stories.  It makes me want to be heard too!  I know what I have to say is important, even if I am not sure what needs to be said yet.  I even ran into (by chance?) the organization's CEO while getting directions to lunch, who agreed that my passion for learning outside the classroom would be well met in the ActivatEE format.

Lunch: found a pub in town, got to see a community taking care of itself - playing old country music for a regular customer, watching the dynamic of people caring for people...  and good fried pickles.

Autism workshop: one of the presenters was one of the pediatricians who helped to rewrite the DSM and define what autism is.  He spoke of the spectrum, of outliers, and providing adequate supports without functionality labels.  He has been running a camp for autistic people for 10+ years, and kept his organization at a state level out of the political debates that rage in the Autism Community.  He just helps people.  The co-presenter demonstrated exactly how common challenge activities can be used to facilitate exactly skills and norms that we (neurotypical people) value in behavior (commonly called Social Skills).  I feel so strongly that I want to be a PART of THAT!! I do not understand how, but again, my passion for stopping the pounding of square pegs into round holes, for embracing the infinite diversity of humanity, for inclusion and understanding is loud enough to be recognized, visible to others.  I did feel like the conversation about sensory processing can be approached from different angles that generate more of a sense of identification, of shared experience.  I also think that we are still down-playing the actuality of the "6th sense"/ psychic intuitiveness that people with autism experience.  I can also see that I am not researching or discovering "new" ideas, but I am putting them together is new ways, seeing pictures others don't, and those insights are helpful to others.  After the session I spoke to a participant about "islands of information" and redirecting obsessive concerns to constructive ends.  I am not even sure what I told her, but it resonated with her about a challenge she was facing.

3rd workshop: I had talked myself out of going to the FEAT workshop, but in the Autism workshop I heard someone talking about how great the presenters were.  I followed my intuition.  Valuable lessons. For whatever reason, I was very insecure in this workshop.  I guess I felt very out of my element. I was called on mothering and teaching behaviors that I reverted to instinctively and unconsciously.  I felt ashamed, but grateful to be taught.  I was reminded to let other people keep their struggles. I was reminded that I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make him drink... and that a good facilitator creates thirst.  I learned some new activities with new tools, and was reminded of my own abilities and skills with ropes.  Somehow the presenter recognized that I was drawn there by intuition, and he made a point of connecting with me personally at the end of the session.  I do not know yet why this is important, but I know I was overwhelmed to the point of tears when he spoke with me. He reminded me that he is not a "therapist". There is something I still need to "find".

I am still confident that I needed to BE at that conference.  I know that I was rattled by the observations about my parenting and teaching.  I know that I was overcome with passion to make the world a better place.  I know I met people that will prove to be important connections.  I know that for me, like many there, the organization will be an emotional "home".  

I do not understand yet how.  There are more pieces that need to settle in... 

but I TRUST THIS PROCESS...

On rebooting...

"This day I will dry my wings in the sun like the cormorant, and leave footprints in the sand like the piper, before I too dive back in to the work of living..."

- Facebook post 2/3/2012

And so I began my day.  At 7:45 am I went to the beach and watched world wake up.

I am VERY lucky.  My husband and my mother have both given me emotional permission to take 1 whole day to just be at the beach in Florida after the ACCT conference.  I love people, and I love learning, but I also need to have time to process & reflect.  Don't get me wrong.  I have checked facebook all day, even responded to some emails, spoke warmly with the hotel clerk, talked to many artisans along the pier, and had a conversation about the weather and dogs with a lady from Maryland resting on a bench.  I will never be a social recluse...

But I also just sat and watched and rested.  I saw the cormorants posed along the tops of poles and rocks, drying their wings in the rising sun.  I watched the gulls frantically gather when they thought someone had a tasty morsel, and then nap on one leg until beach goers unconsciously walked over them to set up chairs.  I watched pelicans use their size to bully gulls off the poles, and then sweep their great wings open as they dropped off the pole to the water in search of breakfast.  I watched the sandpipers scurry and search through the crashing surf for tasty yummies, fabulously intent, yet multi-tasking;  it was as if I could here their minds running at ADHD speeds as they tried to be negotiate the delicate task of finding the critters rolled up by the tide but not let the water catch them.  I watched the locals, mostly elderly, take their morning constitutional, occasionally passed by joggers, along the water's edge where the sand is firmer.  I watched several older gentlemen deeply involved in treasure hunting with their metal detectors and sand-sifting baskets.   I watched as all those people along the beach stopped and directed their attention to the water, and followed their gaze to the pod of dolphins galavanting in the surf between the beach and the poles.  I watched the lifeguard come on duty, and set up all his equipment and tidy up the stand area.  I watched a large fish (maybe 6-7 inches) with big sweeping wings come very close to my feet, and then realized he was stalking a much smaller fish who was hiding in my shadow.  I have never in my whole life seen live fish within arms distance in the water of a beach.  I relished the heat of the sun on my skin, the cold the water in my legs, the grit and cool heaviness of the sand on my feet.

And I collected shells.  I did so because as I watched all these people on the beach, they were all collecting shells.  Even those who were clearly locals or were intent on exercising would stop occasionally and collect shells.  The only people I did not see pick up shells were the lifeguard and the metal detector guys.  It occurred to me that it might be a good way for me to find something to take home to my children.  The thought of my children, of course, made me think about what I could teach from a shell collection, so I wandered around for a while trying to find shells that inspired a teachable moment.

I found many with different vibrant colors and shapes (diversity), and others beached white (solar power discussion).   I found some with a pearly sheen and others more like procelian (chemical composition).  I found a chunk with barnacles on it, and one large one that had circles where the barnacles used to be (ecosystems & erosion).  I found some that had holes or grooves where rolling through the surf had started turning them into sand, and others broken into pieces (erosion).

And then I reached a point where I realized that every single shell had a teachable moment in it.  Each one of those shells and shell fragments housed an animal, told the story of a life.

And there were SO MANY of them! So many that even though every body was taking them, the beach was not diminished...

I had a little epiphany... As I looked and looked, and was overwhelmed with the breadth of options that laid on the ground before me, I suddenly realized I couldn't see it anymore.  I realized I could not complete my task (finding shells), because I did not know what to look for.

You have to know what you are looking for in order to find it.  Without knowing what you are looking for, you will not find it, even if it is in your hands, because you will not have a name for it.

In teaching we call this "setting the objective".  That is why the classroom teacher is required to write the objectives on the board each day, and that is why you can't write the lesson until you know what outcome you expect, and that is why you can only assess after you've determined what you have taught.  It is about INTENTION - doing things purposefully.  That is not just "on purpose" but also "with purpose".  It is the difference between wandering and traveling, between industry and productivity...  

This resonates with me because challenge course work has such an emphasis on student driven outcomes, or letting the participant define what a "successful" experience is, because very often the outcome of these intense learning experiences is not what we originally intended.  Very often there is a process of discovery involved, not just of the challenge and the environment, but of the self.  I cannot help facilitate communication skills if the participant does not know that they are communicating, or what they are communicating.  It is one thing to describe for them that the challenge activity involves lifting others and moving them safely, it is another to enable them with the tools to ask one another for help, or provide help that is not judgmental.  They may feel they are asking clearly, but for another that clarity can come across as "not nicely"... I then need to change the focus of our "outcome" to diversity, before I reach a place where we are communicating and can be physically safe.  The power of this work is that the participant has an emotional and galvanizing experience, but we cannot neccesarily predict which aspect of the experience will be pivotal for each particular participant.  There are certainly "rules" and theories of group dynamics that shape how we do what we do, creating shared experiences (forming, storming) before establishing rules (norming), and only then testing their mettle (performing).  But these play out in very different ways, because we are dealing with humans, and people are diverse.

There is a basic conflict between the way I currently teach and "traditional" classroom teaching (the way I used to teach), specifically in this idea of intent/ purpose.  Because of this need to "know what you are looking for", all teaching is considered "outcome specific".  The educational profession spends LOTS of time talking about "measurable and observable" outcomes - meaning that what ever I am "grading" has to be something I can actually observe and that I have some way of telling "how much" of it I have.  This is where the IEP langauge comes from about "Bob will raise his hand to be called upon instead of blurting out 5 out of 7 times".  The idea here is that I can't "give a test" on it if I didn't teach it in the first place, or give a grade based upon some criteria the student knew nothing about.  Of course, that sounds incredibly reasonable, but the application leaves a sense of falseness and artificiality.  Can't a child demonstrate understanding of math by running a register rather than completing a worksheet?  Can't a child demonstrate understanding of language by making a film with dialogue instead of writing an essay?  Can't a child demonstrate an understanding of history by reenacting instead of answering 90% of a multiple choice test "correctly"?  Doesn't the child demonstrate an understand of the process of life science by taking appropriate care of the guinea pig?  How do we find that place where we can let kids learn how their brains work and then demonstrate that understanding (growth) in such a way that we (the adults around them) agree that we "saw" it?

This gap between "measurable outcomes" and meeting neural diversity is at the heart of the experiential education philosophy.  In the Autism community, Neurodiversity and Nuerotypical are charged words, indicating those people that are not diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum - with the connotation being that NT people are in some fashion closer to the mathematical center in a statistical analysis of the function of human brains.  I do, in some ways, mean this definition, but broader.  In my experience, we are each and every one diverse - not only within our selves (our experiences over time and in particular situations), but also from one to another (we each "handle" stresses differently and show evidence that we experience the world in a distinctive manner).  Really, I mean "nuerodiversity" without the use of a mathematical analysis, only with the recognition that the body of data points is VAST, with little to no overlap.  We are each and every one a separate and unique entity, with some variation of the possible outcomes to be had when nurture is combined with nature.  How do we respect that we all have to know what the people around us are talking about (or communicating about) while respecting that each of us is biologically (and, I would argue, divinely) designed to be a singular manifestation of energy?  How do we all "get on the same page" when we are in different books?  In experiential education, our answer is that the learner (participant) gets to decide what they got out of it.  The participant decides that the outcome is in some way measurable to them selves.  "Grade" themselves?  That is pretty blasphemous in a traditional educational setting.  Of course every kid will give themselves an A!  The grades would be meaningless if they were given by the student, right?

Many of the workshops I took this week looked at how to cross these differences.  3 of them were specifically titled with verbiage about getting schools and camps to work together, but a large part of the industry is about how to teach more effectively, and how to help academics see us as teaching more effectively.  Somehow we must breach this chasm between self-assessment and "objective" assessment, between internal motivation and external motivation, between student driven learning and objective based learning, between "I know I got better" and "you can see that I got better".  Many critics of education (myself included) like to point out how articificial the school environment is - that students will not be working with same-aged peers in the workplace, that they will be assessed by performance not written tests.  But ultimately, adults in the workplace still need to achieve tasks (outside assessment) while growing their skills (self assessment).  We, as a society, and educators, as a profession, need to be opening dialogue on these ideas.  I think the simple answer may be "respect diversity - live an let live".  The answer maybe that we need all of us, in all our great variability, to make the world as a whole "work".

The second lesson I took from shell collecting today was about history.  I returned to the beach in the afternoon (I was trying to be smart and avoid a sunburn, for once).  My afternoon excursion was shaped by the fact that a dense fog rolled over the island, obscuring the beach almost completely.  The lifeguard tower was invisible from the pier.  While I was disappointed by the sun's "disappearance", the limited visibility forced me to look at what was right in front of me.  I got to watch a sandpiper almost run into me, and a gull pull a tasty nugget from the surf (I got to see the shell it was in).  And I looked again at the shells rolling in the surf.  I thought again about the great many little lives that are cummulated in that pile of sand - and then scale overtook me again (funny how that happens at the beach).  As I took photos of the shells, I was struck with what you see when you get close versus when you step back.  The grains of sand on the beach are not little pieces of rock, they are little pieces of shells.  As you look at the sand you see shells in various states of decay.  Each life is lived and ended on the bones of its ancestors...  History is written in each grain, and the present is too.  The sand is shaped by the footprints of the birds, the sandcastles of the children, the depth of the waves.  It is as if the past and present are in the same place at the same time...

If past & present can be simultaneous, can the future be too?

My articulation is exhausted for this night.  Revelation and insight chase each other around my thoughts.  I think I'll solve this one another day...  

Hopefully I will reboot again.  I called this post "rebooting" because none of these ideas are novel to me, they have crossed my mind before, but sometimes you need to turn the computer off to get all the systems to reengage again.  Sometimes you just have to rest and reboot.

Elopement - Drowning: A CALL TO ACTION!

So, to quote the statistics that I have seen traveling around Facebook today: 48% of kids with autism wander (elope).  Either 91% or 92% of those end in drownings.  These are not numbers - they are souls...

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am a swim instructor.  I am seeing more and more students with subtle and blatant special needs because I am not secretive about my child's special needs.  I understand that my "expertise" is based on my Red Cross Water Safety Instructor training, my parenting insights, and my years of teaching experience.  My degree is in American History (just to be clear - I am NOT claiming more training than that).  I understand that my experience is inherently limited by the individuals I have had the opportunity to teach and learn from and may not be a numerically significant data sample.  I also understand that I work hard to interface with parents and be observant, and I am seeing changed behaviors and hearing parents that see skills improvement in their children after I teach them.  I am convinced I am doing something right and something important.

One local Autism support group (local to me) asked if there were any swim lessons specifically for special needs children, to which there is not yet any affirmative response.  As a parent of a "special needs" kids, my research has only ever uncovered private lessons (at least around me).  The complaints have always been that they are cost prohibitive (as most therapies and supports are since they are either not "educationally necessary", or not covered by insurance because they are "unproven") or that it is difficult to keep a consistent instructor.

I STAND IN A PLACE OF KNOWLEDGE AND FEEL COMPELLED TO ACT!  The loss of 3 children in one week is heart wrenching.  The reaction of "mainstream" media is accusatory and misleading.  Not only does the public need to be educated about the realities of Autism, the "public" needs to be educated about how it plays a supporting role in safety!! AND AUTISM PARENTS NEED TO BE ARMED WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THEY NEED TO TEACH CHILDREN.

1) I am going to go directly to my supervisors tomorrow and discuss how to create/ start a "special needs" swim lesson.  I am not convinced it will "make money" this year, but costs can also be measured in lives.  I am honored to work at a 4-H center - to be associated with an EDUCATIONAL organization.  I am convinced this is the right thing to do, and the right time to do it.

2) Adults AND children need to start having conversations about swimming and sensory experiences, and have access to that knowledge.  Swimming can not be seen as a pursuit/ sport of the "middle class".  Parents need to feel empowered to teach their child these life saving skills! The Red Cross originally established its water safety programming BECAUSE most drownings are preventable if people are knowledgeable!  People need to have access to supervised swimming experiences so that they have the opportunity to learn and practice water safe behaviors.  Look here for an earlier blog I wrote on the topic.  There are LOTS of ways you, at home, your family, can address that draw to water, and the disorientation it brings.

3) Communities need to start taking responsibility for shared safety!  Too often the parents of autistic children feel judged and accused - as if there is a direct correlation between some "epic parenting fail" and the child's "outrageous" behavior.  As amazing as it may seem to some people - all human beings come equipped with minds, no matter their age, and don't need your permission to use it.  The argument is often batted about that communities must pay taxes for schools because the entire community is responsible for taking care of it's children.  That idea does NOT stop at the automatic deduction.  I am counting on my community to keep my roads safe, to not set a fire to their yard, to stay home when sick... WE ALL SHARE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SAFETY!  It truly "takes a village" - because not only does my child need to learn to respect the authority of other adults - my child DESERVES to have other definitions of adulthood besides me. I am not perfect, cannot be perfect.  I sincerely hope that my child never feels compelled to carry my baggage, and I desperately hope that I can show my child enough examples of humanity/ adulthood that he/she actively CHOOSES the person they become.  It IS the responsibility of ALL the adults in the Walmart parking lot to watch for running children, to (patiently) remind them that it is unsafe, honor the rules about stopping for pedestrians and using cross walks, and MODEL SAFE BEHAVIORS.  It IS the responsibility of ALL adults to be aware of what is going on around them.  As a lifeguard, I am supposed to watch people.  It does not take long to see which kid on the playground goes with which adult, or to see that one is looking for the other.  I am NOT violating a parent's rights if I ask a kid where their "assigned grown-up" is.  I am NOT violating a parent's rights by stopping that toddler from dashing out the door.  I am NOT violating a parent's rights if I remind a child how to use a piece of equipment safety.  

Cuz, you know what? I am gonna need that help too.  My kid is a bolter, a runner, and we have lost him before.  And I DO need your help reminding him that he needs to stay with his assigned grown-up.  I too have had the unjust call of "inadequate parent" thrust before me, and had to find the strength to stop that ignorance from compounding my guilt.  

We have specific strategies that we use.  They might work for others, or they might not.  Cuz one kid with autism is just one kid with autism, and the resulting behaviors vary greatly.  I'll list some ways I have tried to help myself and help him help himself, just in case they are helpful,  This is as much a selfish effort to show I am trying hard enough as it is a hope to offer suggestion to any who need it.  I am sure that families of all 3 children that died this week used similar strategies...

1) outrageous clothes.  When they were little, I ALWAYS dressed them in red or florescent orange when we went out.  Not only does that make them visible to me from across a room, it makes them memorable to anyone who glances at them.  If they get away from me, people will be more apt to remember them, and for that exact reason, "bad guys" will be less likely to target them.  When we went to NYC (ages 4 & 6), I literally put rolls and rolls of curly gift ribbon all over their head (hair ribbons) and bodies (backpacks, shoe laces, back of jackets).  ridiculous? maybe, memorable? yes.  We ALWAYS dress as dragons at the Rennaisance Festival -with LOTS of sparkly fabric.  Twice we have lost him in the crowds as he meandered away to look at some interesting thing.  The first year I heard a bystander tell a security guard, "yeah! we saw this kid.. the whole family is dressed like him!"  The second time, as soon as we spoke to a performer/ staff member - they brought him to us, because we made SURE to show his "cool" costume to every performer we saw all day long.  We made our selves an obvious presence.  (this is really only useful if your kid will wear clothes - so for us it was only like 60% of the time until recently...)

2) over talking.  This is an auditory processing thing, and eventually a self advocacy thing.  Talking through EVERY SINGLE PROCESS, ALL THE TIME...  I often find I am doing it pretty loudly too, so that other adults are aware of my expectations for his/ her behavior.  And usually it makes it pretty clear that I, and my child, need that extra loving support.  "I am asking you to keep your hand on the cart in the grocery store.  Please look at the carts around you and try to stay on your side.  Those people want to reach the shelves too."  "You must hold my hand in the parking lot. I am taller than you, so cars can see me better."  "The people who own the store may get very concerned that you are not careful with things we aren't buying.  You may not touch it without asking"  "I see this person is trying to read quietly, so can you please respect their space and play on the other side."  "I would like you to stand away from the curb so that you do not fall into the street."  It is pretty annoying, but effective... and you get used to it eventually.  This ties into verbal count downs for us.  I am standing at the end of the toy aisle, "when I get to 10, it will be time to move to the next row..."

3) front loading.  Way explaining before doing anything.  Being sure to "practice" every activity.  Visit the dentist office before the appointment.  Making a fast trip to the mall just to read the directory, and then going another time to see a store.  Asking for permission to visit a space before an event to find all the bathrooms.  Explaining what it should look like if I am being a good audience member.  Explaining when it is time to listen (sit quietly) and when it is time to move around.  And this ties into visual cues ("you have to stay on the green part of the rug") and schedules/ lists ("after the lights come back on there will be lots of clapping, and then you can get up from your seat") for us.

4)correcting with validation.  That is REALLY hard when you are scared, but trying to understand what the kid was thinking, and show where the "disconnect" was in the decision making.  We lost him last winter, and had to really work to explain why we would be worried, so could he please be more thoughtful - and ASK before he goes out?  Once he heard dad say he was going to the grocery store.  He came out of the bathroom and couldn't find daddy, so he left to go to the grocery store.  We saw him outside, he came back in - and determined he didn't think to check the basement...  I understand that autism means he thinks differently, but unless we all communicate our thoughts processes, respect each other's intelligence, then we all just wallow in fear.

5) observation.  I have found that if I give him more room, he is more willing to push himself, so I spend lots of time actually just sitting back and watching him.  I also trust the dog to be watching.  Our dog has always alerted when the kids wander too far or a strange adult approaches them.  I always felt bad, like I was wasting time, but it so pays off to just really watch them, and how they interact with their environment.  I think all parents do that, I just think we get in the habit if doing it without consciousness - like a long car drive.

6) prayer.  He still gets away from us - especially now that he is old enough to go to boy bathrooms.  Ultimately - like every other autism parent - I am often just praying that his honed interest didn't distract him so much he is being unsafe...

But God's purposes, actions, do not always match ours.  Loss is horrific.  While I personally believe that everything happens for a reason, I also KNOW how hard it is to accept that, to not be angry with God.  Especially when that loss is compounded by ridiculous close-minded misleading accusations.

St Patty's Day...

On this day of O'Ness... we have celebrated Irish culture with a discussion about the Holy Trinity symbolized by the Shamrock, whether or not leprechauns will tickle to the death, Guinness Stew & Colcannon...

And some BIG insights of the "Gift of Gab".

We awoke to pinching and tickling as we decided who had green "on" (my kiddo wasn't letting me get away with green nail polish, but he was naked, so he was on the defense...)  Then we settled into Irish traditions like the shamrock (being the Holy Trinity) and the kissing of the Blarney Stone.  After pretending to be a leprechaun for a little bit, we moved on the to Gift of Gab!

We talked about how we (the family) have the Gift in different ways.  For some the Gift of Gab has to do with Woo (from the Strengths Psychology - the idea that everyone is a friend  like a politician or salesman has) while for other the Gift of Gab is about story telling and dramatic narrative, but it can also be just having lots of detail and information to share, saying things n a way that people can understand, "words they can hear" so to speak...

my Aspie wandered off for a second, and then came back and said

"I don't know why the children at school said 'alert' every time I sat down to eat"


Ah - this has been haunting him a lot these few months, trying to come to grips with the bullying just before we started homeschooling, but he has not been so clear in his expression  declaration of the events or his concerns, and he was not agitated, but thoughtful.    Just yesterday we had discussed the Native American story in which the the elder tells the young brave that there are 2 wolves in each of us, Love and Fear; the one you feed is the one that "wins".  He had tried to show me he was "feeding" his Fear Wolf by looking for things to break. Time to think carefully, Mom.

"Well, I think that some of them thought that it really was a joke.  A____ clearly did it as a joke, but X____ clearly did it to be mean.  You knew that.  That's why you hit X____."

"But I was the one who was mean! I hit X____!  I was supposed to tell a trusted friend!"  NOW he's agitated! the high pitched screech, the shaking...

"Yes, that was mean, but X____ was mean first, so we know you had a reason to be mad. 
And you could have used your gift of gab. You could have looked at X____ and said 'Don't say that to me!'  You could have said to X____ 'Please stop, it is NOT funny.'"

A HUGE, deep genuine smile beamed across his face, his eyes continued to look far away, his body got still, and he slowly, quietly said, "yeah...."

Then he moved in for a cuddle.

I think this indicates that he forgave himself, and I am sooooo thankful!

Then he said, "I could use my Gift of Gab to come up behind them ,and then"

I interrupted him, "God loves you just as much as he loves those other kids.  The Gift of Gab can also be called self advocacy.  You have the ability to tell them that they should be nice to you, to please stop, and to go tell an adult. The more you talk, use your gift of gab, the more you be a friend, the more they can see your Love Wolf, the less they can hurt you"

He just kept beaming that smile, and his body was stayed STILL, and he muttered "yeah"...

I watched that smile, and for the first time in 2 years, I started thinking, "he'll be OK to go back to school.  He will be able to tell them to treat him with respect and not feel forced to act out"

If only we kind find adults he can trust. He did NOT say that he should have told a "trusted adult"....  

We have told him before that part of the reason we homeschooled is because we don't feel like the adults at the school were doing their best job to protect any of the children from bullying, but he has carried guilt about how he was bad, and how he had hurt others...  

And he is right to feel bad, but only within the context of forgiveness.  

And it is the Gift of Gab, that thing that pushes us and allows us to communicate with others, that will help us build forgiveness...  we have been discussing all this in different terms for over a year, and only now seem to have hit on the vocabulary that enables forgiveness...

I will readily admit that a lack of verbal skills/ ability would be a significant "handicap" in using your Gift of Gab - but I have studied abroad (just can't meet the vocabulary), and struggled with strange cultures (learning about new families, moving across the country), and communication is NOT always about words.  (usually it's about food when words can't be found - wink wink)

Genuine, True Friendliness is clear across whatever barriers.  If that Woo is there, that drive to connect, that faith that there are no strangers, only friends not yet made - then connection will occur!  But you have to be OPEN to it - because the format can be surprising.  I think this is the essence of the "intuition", the "collective consciousness" that psychics are talking about... the unconditional love, the magic moments, new awareness that Autism brings...

Maybe the Gift of Gab isn't about words... maybe it's about self advocacy.  Maybe it's about acknowledging the magic/ divine in you as much as you do in others... maybe it is about finally being brave enough to love yourself as you love others, not just love your neighbors as yourselves... expecting miscommunication and misunderstanding is part of the process, but it seems like that faith in humanity is part of it too.  

I have worked from the time my children were infants to help them believe the world is their Friend, to automatically assume the best of people. Apparently It is working?

On Choice & Autonomy

One of the topics DEEPLY explored in experiential learning is choice.  It is not only the endless discussion of intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation that all professional educators debate, it is a safety issue on the challenge course.  As I understand it, ALL challenge experience facilities (ropes courses, team building, zip tours - for education, therapy, or fun) operate under the "industry standard" of Challenge By Choice.

A quick definition/ explanation:  It means that participants are asked to choose to be challenged.  This practice requires that the facilitator/ teacher understand and expect that every single participant not only owns the choice to participate, but also owns the choice of how much they will participate.  In essence, we are saying to participants, "you will get out of this as much as you put into it."  While this is a pretty universal truth, on the challenge course it means that we (the "leader"/ facilitator) recognize that these activities will be challenging (invaded personal space, fear of heights, etc.) and that it is the participant's responsibility to participate (to actively play games, to follow rules, and to make a sincere effort to complete tasks).  In practical application, it means that when I ask a participant to touch their toes, they will make an honest effort, and if the participant does not want to jump off the telephone pole, I will not push them off.

So the discussion of choice becomes a safety issue, a liability issue.  The participant paid to climb up the pole, that is the product they requested.  But if we force them to, we are violating their personal soveriegnty - opening ourselves up to a lawsuit for emotional damages, and possibly physical damages if they are so defiant they refuse to wear/ use the equipment correctly.  This is particularly problematic for school groups.  The education system is set up to demand and expect compliance.  Period.  The school has spent good taxpayers money to bring this kid out, and by God (I guess, not God) that kid better learn something!  The school is investing in the challenge course to do what the classroom cannot - to BE the catalytic event that instigates change.  Particularly for "at risk" youth, the whole expectation of the customer (the school or therapist - the "grown-ups") is based on a change of behavior expected to be seen in the youth (the kid will start being nicer, be more social, "grow up", etc.).

This is a VERY deep and concerning discussion.  I mean if you paid me to challenge you today, then I had better deliver!  By signing a contract, the school/ group has asked me to be ready for 10 people to climb the wall today.  If all 10 don't make it, do you still get charged?  If 3 of the people you paid for change their mind after looking at it, do you get a check back?  I have to pay my instructor for their time and skill whether you go up or not.  And what did you pay me for?  Did you pay me to challenge you? or did you pay me to climb a wall?  Did you pay me to build your team?  Or did you pay me to experience 4 different elements/ initiatives/ activities?  If  you time culminates in a better repoire(sp?) between team mates, is that team building?  Or will you decide that the team is "built" after you have tested productivity for a month?  If one group discovers ways to support each other's fears (not make fun of the one who didn't go up) and another group learns to analyze their success (how come you all went up) - did they both "build team"?  If you sought challenge, and I help you go as far as you can go, but it is more or less far than others, who's choice is that?  I mean, if the corporation wants to see the team performance improve, do you think that ALL the members of the team need to work on the exact same skill? Or that some would benefit from communication while others may need to practice tolerance?  Who makes that choice?  Is the participant supposed to know what they are bad at?  Does the boss get to decide what each gets to work on?  Am I supposed to asses everyone of them and then lead them to each place/ skill?

The easy answer is that the choice is shared responsibility of ALL those parties, right?

So the hard question: where are the lines?

I am learning more & more about how to navigate these lines every day - on the challenge course.  Working with schools, I have to honor not only the dictatorial compliance expected of students, and the personal growth of each student, and our liability as a facility - I have to play that fine art of pushing a little hard or a little softly, pleading, cajoling, daring, and inviting the student to participate, and then honoring whatever God may have led that child to see/ learn while emphasizing what the school expects them "to get out of it" (learning goal).  I get better all the time, but ultimately, what I am doing is LOVING each child - trying to listen with my heart and act with my gut feeling.

In this way, I see what I do to teach as the same thing I do to parent.

SO now - the question of CHOICE and AUTONOMY...

In dealing with autism and SPD - the "treatment" is usually about choice - providing the affected person the ability to control their environment, or their choice to be in their environment.  Always provide an exit.  The more choice and control the autistic/ spd person has, the less meltdowns they will experience - or at least they will be better equipped to cope with their meltdown.

But how much choice do they ACTUALLY have?

My Aspie chooses to eat tuna fish for breakfast, and occasionally lick windows, and wear soft pants, and take 4 showers a day, and argue when asked to write, and learn more about dinosaurs, and tell me about Star Wars.  

ARE those his choices?  If I allow him access to tuna instead of eggs, is it MY choice?  If I discipline him for licking windows, is that MY choice?  If I let him watch Star Wars, is it MY choice?

I have been teaching MANY years, I have seen kids who walk all over their parents, kids who are seeking an adult to stand up to them and show them limits.  And I have seen parents who walk all over their kids, never allowing the Gift God made them to shine through.  As I write this the "answer" seems easy: moderation/ balance.  Ask the kid to try to sport, even "make" them complete one season, but don't guilt them into it.  Allow the kid to explore fashion, but not "dress like a whore" (or wear a bathing suit to church, or go shoe-less at the grocery store).

Somehow it seems more complicated with the autistic child.  They are often so unrelatable - meaning I (the parent) have trouble finding the window through which to relate to them) that I MUST start from the premise that behavior = communication - it's ALL I've got.  So when he licks the window - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  Am I supposed to correct him? Or observe long enough to figure out what he is "seeking"?  In all honesty, it doesn't bother ME that he licks windows, but most people I mention that behavior too are grossed out - so should it be a choice I take away from him?  If he is arguing instead of writing, there MUST be a reason.  So does it hurt him? Or is it just hard?  Should he learn how to do it anyway?  I mean don't "regular" people learn to do things that hurt - like pluck hair/ rip off bandaids? (or wear high heels)  So should I respect HIS choice to avoid pain, or MY choice to equip him with a skill that will protect him as he ages?  (I mean, technically, I have a huge callus where my pen rides, so haven't I been hurting myself for years to write? Can't he "just" do that too? Should he have to?)  

If the answer is "moderation/ balance" and his personal middle is not the majority middle, or the "like-group-statistical-analysis" middle, then IS it balanced? and WHO's choice is that!?   I mean if a kid is making choices to "test limits", shouldn't I make the choice to show draw the line?

Where is the line between "It is the parent's job to equip and guide a child into adulthood" and "God made you [child], so I just need to let your light shine"?  Where is the line between my responsibility as a parent to help you and my responsibility as a parent to honor your giftedness?  How do I know how much choice you NEED and how much choice I need to curtail?

DOES a person need autonomy?  Or does a person need certainty?  HOW DO I FIND THE BALANCE?

Is this REALLY a different parenting journey than "typical" parents have?

ACCT Conference

So, I have spent the last 4 days working with professionals of the challenge course industry. I have learned SO very much and am overwhelmed with thought.

1) THERE IS A WHOLE INDUSTRY DEVOTED TO THIS!!! Crazy!  This is the 20th anniversary of their professional organization, so when I was little there were already enough people doing this work to warrant a professional organization.  At this conference they honored their founders, the men (and a few women) who have spent a life building and operating safe places for people to experience life changing challenge.  It was an interesting collection of people.  Therapists who use the challenge course experience to trigger a change of perceptions,  builders who create new ways to honor the safety of the trees they build on as well as ensure the safety of the people who use them, educators who use hands on experience to teach science and social skills (theorists on the science of play), the owners and operators of commercial adventure eco-tours, and the scientists who use these tools (like to study rain forest canopies, or neuroscience).  It was practical and theoretical, deeply detailed, and just plain fun.  Classes ran the gambit from tree biology, to coming up with ideas to use new toys, to the theory of therapy.

2) There are several theories about human dynamics/ relations.  These theories provide a vocabulary, a framework, within which to discuss and think about how people interact.  Naturally, I am deeply interested in these theories as they relate to the autistic mind/ brain.  These are windows through which I, as a facilitator, am supposed to identify strategies by which I can guide/ lead a group to an outcome (like teach science, or help them find kinder ways to communicate, help them identify their personal motivations).  There were several that I specifically explored in depth.  One is a theory about Drama & Compassion, explained as a triangular model that seeks to identify the roles people play in relationships.  Another was an exploration of the fight or flight response, identifying 5 topics that alleviate or trigger the response: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, fairness.  One was the ETB model used in therapy: a triangle between emotion, thought and behavior in which one always affects the other two.  Some underlying themes that all of these touch on are choice and uncertainty.  Choice and uncertainty are heavily involved in the discussion about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation/ value and how do we know where we want to go, or how to get there, or when we arrive.  Even as I type this, my head has to sort through the pool of information, so this is a very short summary, with LOTS more depth addressed in each of these theories.   These are really philosophical discussions on the nature of human-ness - and my head is wrangling with the inclusiveness of these theories.  These professional educators and scientists have worked to label Universal Truths.  My head seeks to identify if Autism and Asperger's fall within these Truths.  I start from the place that obviously autistics/ Aspies ARE human, so are these truths comprehensive enough to include them?  But there is the underlying tension/ thought/ fear that if these Truths are not inclusive of autistics/ Aspies - is that the root of the prejudice they experience in the world?

3)Once again, I learned that God puts you where He needs you when He needs you to be there. The very first day I was asked why I was in a particular class, and my answer was, "I have the nebulous gut feeling that you are going to say what I need to hear".  It proved True, not only for that class, but for most of the ones I took, and for the time outside of class.  I gained insights into my childhood experiences assisting event organization.  I didn't know how much I already knew.  All of these discussions about "human-ness" lead me to deep thoughtfulness about parenting - those specific questions like, "Am I doing a good job?" as well as those nebulous questions like, "What should good parenting look like?  How do I build a new human? Or should I build a new human?"  One of the gifts of this conference is that I was able to explore all these concepts with other people who are also parents (by no means ALL of them - there were plenty of young adults looking to build their skills, but also many who could bring their lifetime of experience to the their insights).  One gentleman in particular allowed himself to spend nearly 2 hours talking to me about how these discussions about choice and certainty relate to parenting (not teaching other people's kids, but my own).  I didn't find any answers, but I kinda feel like I am finally asking the right questions.  I know that I am an Auditory Learner, and talking it out was what I needed - but it is so hard to find a willing audience sometimes ;) (too much "little professor" syndrome in me, I guess).  There was more than one class that I left physically shaking because I was SO connected to the information shared, the "magic of the moment" so intense.  MAN, did I ever need to be exactly where I was!!

4)  I remembered/ learned/ found out how much of a Westerner I am.  I didn't look out the plane window until landing in Vegas.  The jagged mountains, the stripes of earth color, the clear lines of civilization (plumbing) were painfully familiar, reminded me of being younger.  They seemed both fresh and familiar to me.  I was so happy to have dry warm air, and to drive the car on the freeway (even if only 10 miles), and to eat El Pollo Loco and see See's Candies!  It was renewing to touch the pieces of my past.  So odd how the past touches the future...  I am a Western Girl - and it has taken a long time to admit that!

5) I also learned that most airports nickel & dime you for WiFi, but Vegas gives it free.  And that getting through security in Vegas is a B!#@$, so I better get something free! - especially since the only plugs/ outlets are on the floor and I have had to spend 4 hours sitting on the hard floor - the bathrooms in Vegas were not as clean as Nashville or Dallas/ Ft. Worth either...

the new year

ok - so this is really just a list to myself of all the things I need to think and wrote more on.. all eth things that have happened in the first 3 weeks of eth new year...

I celebrate 15 years of marriage this year.  we explored options on how to celebrate that, and ultimately decided that we want to celebrate with our children... so we are going to do a renewal of vows with the just teh kids as attendants... and it has REALLY made me think about WHY i married him - and HOW we relate to one another...

Went to an American Camp association conference this month... the keynote speaker spoke for over an hour about PARTNERSHIPS with PARENTS... VERY VERY thought provoking... and totally made me mentally revisit everything we have been through with eth school system with teh autism and the accomodations and why we are homeschooling, and why i think camp is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO important and how we need to be offering MORE educational alternatives that are experiential in nature... it seems like we need a revolution in education as a idea... but that includes a revolution in what it means to be a PARENT!  What AM i responsible for?  what SHOULD i feel guilty about?  Where ARE the lines between interference and support?  Why ARE we being judged by neighbors, social services, educators?  there is a complicated dynamic between the social policing role we have given educators and the reality fo child violence....

Aspie son seems to have settled into a homeschool rhythym - FINALLY - it only took a year or so...  but i think because we have FINALLY been honest and open about why and how he left school.  He opened another window into the bullying he suffered at school, and showed us that his awareness of his own perpetration of bullying was greater than his awareness of the other kids'... so we finally were able to acknowledge that while, yes, he had done some bad things, we knew they happened for a reason and we could share blame with the kids too.... he hasn't really spoken about it, but he seems to be better about bringing himself off meltdowns, so i think he is in a better place, has found some peace with all that...

"NT" kid is struggling to read - am thinking dyslexia maybe?  gearing up emotionally for more testing for more arguing with docs and school.  AM pretty fearful about the kindergarten testing that will have to be turned in, but am also trying to just make it an act of faith... she HAS to have strengths, i just need to keep looking, get "tapped in" correctly... we WILL get there...

Have explored meditation further...  and think i am doing it all wrong, but maybe not.  I have been a deep thinker all my life, i have gotten to where the guided meditations are going, by a different route... but I am ALSO starting to feel like I "get" what they mean by "intention" driving action instead of just "doing"...

Have been struggling with doubt a lot... specifically about reality and "psychic" powers and intuition... i think i am getting better at recognizing what i "hear", but am still doubting myself... i can hear the Aspie kid pretty well, but am still so afraid I am making asumptions.  and I feel like I need to explore more about how my intuition shapes how I teach... how am i "reading" groups?  how do i "know" what direction to steer conversation?  Am I as good a teacher as i think I am?  What am I doing wrong when I "miss" the group?  I just feel like I need to find a new vocabulary about these things, a new... level of acknowledgement?  I am not sure what it is exactly, but i know it is waiting for me to find it...

I have developed an underlying sense of "getting ready" - in a new way than I have felt before...  It's like I am not the one getting ready, somebody else is...  maybe I am just less worried about our ability to cope?  or maybe there is change coming for someone else?  THIS is the kind of doubt that I need to answer...

so, hopefully, I will be able to get online and just think the snot out of all this stuff, explore ideas and places, and find priorities... but for now - I have left my kids at the science museum class without me for the first time ever...so I need to go pick them up...

Further on SPD and Swimming

Time to follow up on what I published earlier this year, to be specific about how I see SPD playing out in swim lessons.

Incremental Learning/ building physical tolerance

Much like Sensory Integration therapy (SI) - the student has to be exposed to the stimuli many many times over a long period in small steps - in other words: GO GENTLY.  With swimming in particular, parents become VERY invested in seeing success, because it is a safety issue.  There is a cultural perception that swim lessons will "drown-proof" a child - and that is simply NOT true.  It is VERY, VERY frustrating to watch a child be so afraid or reluctant that they do not perform the "assigned task", but the point is that their body HAS to teach them. There are 2 main factors in this dilema: parental expectations and the length of traditional classes.

Don't get me wrong - this is NOT a "preach at the parent" moment - this IS a learning moment.  Really ask yourself - WHY  did you enroll your child in the class?  What IS it that you expect your kid to get out of swim class?  Many parents are enrolling their kid in a swim lesson because this is one of the child's first experiences with "formalized schooling" - They expect the kid to be able to hear and perform the instructions of another adult and be in a group of peers.  Swim lessons can do that - but the adults around them have to remember that this experience is compounded by the novelty of being in the alien environment of water itself.  Maybe the parent's goal IS to teach or hone life-saving aquatic skills (make them better swimmers).  If that is the case, then watch - observe, and remember that teaching is most successful when it comes in digestible pieces.  What skills ARE your child lacking? Which do they already exhibit?  Do they have the motor control to actually do that movement?  The hardest part of swimming is that the body is performing several tasks simultaneously, often alternately - so it's like patting your head, rubbing your tummy, chewing gum, and keeping a rhythm with your toes and then switching every 7 seconds.  There is a LOT going on there! 

BE PATIENT.  

That is hard to do with your child under any circumstances, but especially when you are so concerned to see that progress that will make you feel confident about their safety.  Like the adage of special needs parents - celebrate the small successes.  Focus on just one skill at a time, submerging, flutter kicking, breast stroke pull.  Even at the competitive swimming level, this is what they are doing - concentrating on the minutia of a movement until it becomes MUSCLE MEMORY.

And that is where the length of the class is a problem.  Traditionally swim lessons are 8 1/2 hour sessions (that is what the Red Cross curriculum is set up for) - so 4 hours of instruction time.  Think carefully about that.  What skill did you learn in just 1/2 an hour?  Have you ever mastered a new skill in just 2 weeks?  Middle school classes are typically 45 - 55 minutes, and it takes kids 9 months to "master" a topic!  Having realistic expectations about what your child will take away from the class is VERY important, as well as understanding that it is just a starting point.  A 1/2 hour class is not really long enough to allow the kind of practice that builds muscle memory - it allows the kind of practice to explore.  And the hard truth is that while there are "correct" processes and movements to swimming, each and every body swims in a different fashion.  I can't tell you how many parents come to class concerned that their child can't float.  Well, if your kid is finishing a growth spurt and has no fat to float on, then you're right - that kid won't float - at least not flat.  The kid needs time to explore their own "center of bouyancy" - which is not the "center of gravity".  Your kid has been trying to coordinate their arms & legs to run and play for several years by the time you hit swim lessons - and now the water moves the center of their body!?! CRAZY!

Remember too, that "success" is about visualizing too.  It is known that athletes visualize their actions, and that it can greatly impact performance.  The truth is we do that for ALL activities.  In the special needs world (and experiential education) we call it "front loading" - letting people know what is expected of them before they engage in the activity.  "We are going to the grocery store - you are expected to touch the cart at all times. You will not be getting any candy or soda today."  "We are going to pass this hula hoop around this circle without letting go of each other's hands.  You will have to get your feet and legs through"  "You are going to chaperon this field trip.  Your role is to keep your student group together between formal instruction sessions." - It's about making expectations clear, about making sure that the person doing the thing can see themselves doing the thing before they actually do the thing.  As adults we use this skill all the time, because we have been taught it and had plenty of time to practice it.

Kids need that too.  They need to see the swim skill demonstrated, and then they need to practice it so that they can feel the movement (it is hard to see underwater, but it can be a useful tool to do so with goggles for strong visual learners).  Moreover, they need to think about doing it.  The biggest bursts of success I see are when the classes are a week apart.  The kid has had all week to talk about the movement, listen to parents encouraging the movement, interact with the movement in their head - and they demonstrate a better mastery of the skill a week later.  The extreme example is my own son.  For 2 years he would walk up the diving board - in a life jacket - look at the life guard and say loudly, "Don't worry! I am not jumping in! I am just looking!" - and he would.  For 2 long summers we watched him do this several times a week.  I REALLY wanted to throw him in, to just get him over it (and I did a couple times and would see regression - he wouldn't go on the board as often), but eventually I just left it alone (he was in a life jacket).

Finally one January (clearly NOT pool season), he says to us, "This is the summer I will jump off the diving board." - very matter of factly.  Ok, we'll see..., but we did talk about it all winter.  Sure enough, May came and the pool opened.  We went opening day, and he walked to the board several times, but not up it.  After 4 hours I finally prodded, "So, is this the summer you are going off the board?"  "Yes"  "Do you want to go now?" "Not yet" "Ok, how about at 3 o'clock?" "Ok".  Two minutes later: "Is it 3 o'clock yet?" "No, not yet" - two minutes later: "Is it 3 o'clock yet?" "No, not yet" - two minutes later:"Is it 3 o'clock yet?" "Yes [fine!], it is close enough".  He marched right up to the board, walked to the end and jumped off - no hesitation, no life jacket.  This example is pretty extreme, but if you just sit and watch kids at a pool, they do it all the time.  They see if they can submerge a little deeper, or jump in a little deeper, or even just run farther before they jump in (which is not a safe behavior, I have to add).  As I watch families visit all summer, I can see a kid move to a deeper section of the pool with each visit, pushing themselves to grow skills, to explore new movements, to go faster.  We often see it with the "jumping into chest deep water" activity.  A student starts at the chest deep depth, and will do it several times during class, and then after class work themselves down the wall to deeper water - often for over an hour.  If they "scare" (I like to say "surprise") themselves, they go shallower for a few minutes, but they always come back to conquer the goal they set for themselves. 

The best way to support your child's ability to swim is to come to the pool often so they can practice on their own terms. That kind of learning is self-teaching - the brain and body will remember it longer - but: 

IT TAKES TIME.  

Language

I have often said that the strength of SPD discussion to me is that it provides me a language to describe what I see.  Being able to verbalize your fears always makes them more conquerable.   It also allows us to be specific.  And the seeking/ avoiding aspect of SPD lets people make correlations between their actions (or the actions they observe in others).

VESTIBULAR: This is that sense of balance in the inner ear. One of the most mentioned concerns with teaching swimming (by concerned parents and in training tips) is reluctance to float.  When I see that behavior in toddlers I immediately ask if the child has reluctance to tilt their head back for hair washing too (a textbook example of a vestibular avoider).  How about swings?  Does that kid who is reluctant to float avoid swings too, or demonstrate a low tolerance for them?  Adults do that too - by avoiding roller coasters.  Or is your kid a vestibular seeker? Do they hang off the couch upside down often? (Yeah, I totally did that as a kid, and knew it made me "feel " better, but not why).  Are they having trouble floating because they are busy turning over/ feeling their body move?  Once we can identify associations outside the water, then we can "treat" them/ "practice" them outside the water.  My son definitely conquered being horizontal in the water (the major milestone of successful swimming) by conquering swings through the winter. And talking about what they are feeling, gives them more control over what they are feeling.  

I did an interesting experiment on my husband - who is amazingly physically awkward (visually so).  At 40 years old, he had never floated, so I asked him to lay in the water while I supported him.  He did (BIG trust moment), but the insight is not that grown-ups have sensory issues too - it's that he is old enough to describe to me what he felt.  After floating for no more than 2 minutes, he stood up and weaved on his feet for nearly 4 minutes.  He did say that propioceptive input (hugging and submerging to the shoulders) helped him "re-center" and be able to walk straight again.  While this example may seem extreme, consider that he has gotten though his whole life without ever having to deal with this sensation.  If your kid doesn't like laying in the water, or swings, or vestibular input, they may be having this extreme reaction and can't verbalize it to you!  Help them build that vocabulary.... "Hmm, does laying in the water make your head feel like it is spinning?"  "Are there circles inside your head?"  "Does the swing make you feel like it is hard to stand up?"  "Does it feel good to hang upside down?"  Use your instincts - think about what YOU experience, verbalize YOUR sensations, and give them room to disagree with you!  Their body is theirs, and maybe they feel something different, but by opening the discussion, you give them the room to label their sensations, compare them,  conquer them.

PROPIOCEPTION:  This is that idea that the joints register pressure in the nerves to define where they are in space.  The theory explains why kids trip over their own feet, or hit too hard, or don't like being hugged.  As adults, this often at the heart of a couple's cuddling debate.  In therapeutic use, we use it "center" the body, to calm the "hyperactivity".  It is the exact same "technology" that the "Thunder Shirts" for dogs uses - and that swaddling babies uses.  It comes into play with water because - water is heavy.  I have read in one occupational therapist's Facebook [Raising Sensory Smart Kids - a book too] that many propioceptive seekers submerge to feel the water "hugging" them.  I would imagine that propiocetive avoiders (I don't have one, so I have to extrapolate here) are bothered by the weight of the water on their body, much like a weighted blanket would feel like it entraps them.  Validating these sensations with vocabulary, with labeling them, creates a skill to build instead of a vague fear to avoid.  The body will still need to be dosed in small increments so as not to overwhelm, but the process (and oration of that process) of creating small goals and meeting them will empower the learner.  "Does the water feel like it is hugging you?"  "Can you feel your hand pushing the water against your legs?"  "Do you feel your feet coming out of the water when you kick?  Try keeping them in the water..."  "Let's try submerging just to our belly button... just to our elbows... just to our shoulders..." 

2 points/ asides about this: it is because the water is heavy enough to feel like a blanket that it is strong enough to hold you up when you float - it IS denser than air, and that density is what pushes the body.  I also noticed with my son (who is clearly a propioceptive seeker of incredibly awkward body movements) that his body moves more gracefully, more purposefully, with more coordination after we have spent weeks in the water.  We usually spend a full 6 - 8 hours at the pool several day a week during the summer, and he is by no means in it all day (like his body hits some kind of plateau, but he always comes back to it. As if his body is learning by the comparison?)  I would postulate that the extended opportunity for him to learn & practice movements, at his own pace, to control his environment and keep "pushing that envelope" ingrains that muscle memory piece.  Seekers are known to need more stimuli to register a sensation and the water gives a constant increased "pressure" on his limbs as he moves in it.  Our OT has also pointed out to us that he is much less "bouncy" during summer/ swim season - and we see the furniture bouncing and body slamming return when the pool closes.  Of course, the kid's body grows every winter and he "loses" his body and has to "redial" it in again every summer...  I urge you to look for/ observe patterns in your child.

TACTILE:  There are 2 aspects to this that need to be explored.  One is the sensation of water on the skin.  I kinda think that one might be linked to propioception - like the difference between being brushed up against and banged.  Water tends to be gentle - so maybe the movement of water on the skin really does "tickle" people?  I don't know that I have ever heard someone say that in those terms, but I think it is a strong possibility.  Again, incremental exposure is the best "treatment".  People learn to not be ticklish - or at least control their reaction.

The second has to do with water in the face.   I am not sure that "tactile" is the best category for this, but I am not sure where else to categorize it.  This is a complicated discussion.  It is absolutely normal to react with anxiety when the face is covered in water (like submerging the head) - I would argue that it is an instinctive life preserving reaction.  In fact, we take advantage of that when we teach the Mommy & Me swimming.  Infant's bodies automatically hold their breathe when their face is wet or blown into.  We reinforce that instinctive response by counting down to submersion and praising its accomplishment - moving the unconscious act into conscious control.  I think it is a similar thing as you get older - about controlling your body and environment, about creating consciousness of what the body does without our thought.  This is a pretty deep thing.... 

I have 2 insights, kinda techniques, that I have used to address this.  First: when I was very small and my grandfather taught me to swim, one of the few things I remember distinctly is when he talked to me about coming up out of the water - like when you are pulling up on the side.  I remember him directing us to look down as we came up - and he explained himself: the water can only flow down, so if you are looking down, then it cannot flow up to your mouth, nose, or eyes.  I have a vague memory of him saying it would get the water out of our eyes faster.  I have to say I have done this as long as I can remember, and that I remember thinking as an older child and as a competitor in high school that it gave me a sense of control when I was pushing my envelope (longer swims without breaths) - I knew I could get air.  In fact, this is really what breathing during the front crawl (freestyle) is all about - using your nose to create an air pocket for your mouth as you turn your head.  It's about controlling your body to control the water - knowing you are in charge, not a victim of the water.  This kinda leads to my second technique - the shower.  I often recommend to parents to "practice breathing techniques" in the shower.  While some people are rather defensive that their kids can take a shower, what I mean is that submersion of the face can happen in the shower.  The example I give about my own kids:  I was afraid they would squall during baptism, so I spent several weeks dousing them with water.  I started with sprinkling, but then I would pour a half a cup, and then a whole cup directly over the center of the head.  They instinctively held their breath, learned that it ended shortly, and actually started to look down to protect their face.  Anyone can practice this in the shower.  I find that I tend to spend most of the time in the shower with my face out of the water, but you can actually practice the whole looking down thing in the shower by putting your head squarely in the spray - gain control of what is happening/ start with the familiar and slowly add new sensations [EXACTLY what SI therapy is about].  Once you're OK with it, you can even play with/ adjust the angle of your face and test new sensations...  

Interestingly what most kids and adults I have worked with do orate is that they are uncomfortable with the sensation of "water in their eyes."  You can totally practice getting water in your eyes in the shower!  And the water in your shower does not have chlorine in it like pool water....  Though in all honesty, it is NOT the chlorine that makes your eyes burn - it is the pH of the water.  And the water from your shower will make your eyes burn 'cuz the pH is not balanced (in the middle of the spectrum)... if you can handle opening your eyes in the water in the shower you can totally handle it in a well maintained pool.  Even without the chemistry lesson, it's about controlling how your body reacts to stimuli.  If water in the eyes is the problem, then address it, in a place where you feel comfortable/ strong - in a manner that gives you a sense of control - appreciating each small success as you build it - and it will lead to you being confident that you can control your environment in general - and you will control your reactions.

And THAT is my point!  It is ALL about breaking down the steps and building up the experiences so that confidence is gained - because CONFIDENCE will create a safe swimmer - fear ALWAYS leads to sinking.  One of the primary safety rules the Red Cross teaches is:

Think, so you don't sink!

And the SPD conversations give us a new perspective to think from, because the answers do NOT always lie in the pool!