This is for me, about the things I know, but it is also for my friends...
I have reached the conclusion that time is a human construct, not a divine construct. For God, for infinite Divine Power, time is fluid. I think it is our ability to hold on to time that makes us "God-like", "in His image"... we can conjure up memories and get lost in them with just the strength of our will. We can choose to live in the past or the future, not just the present... we are able to be fluid through time.
So much of my study/ personal growth lately has focused on living "in the moment", in the "right now!"... finding ways to connect to what exists before me, with me, in me. And I am getting better at it. I am really able to acknowledge love and beauty in better ways than I have ever been able to in my life. I want to keep working in that direction.
At the same time, I have often felt like I can see "ribbons" of time attached to people, places and events. It is as if there is a tapestry being woven and the threads (ribbons) weave a complex and beautiful whole that is both eternal and momentary. There are people who I meet, know and can "see" them through time. It is as if I have known them when they were young, in their prime, and when they are wise in experience. There are other people who I do not "see through time" but they keep showing up "on my timeline", their ribbon, though I cannot follow it, continues to interweave with mine. I am deeply appreciative of both, desperately curious to see how they come together, and honestly in love with all of them.
The past couple days I have been really reflective of where I specifically am in time. I know I am approaching a transition, though I am unclear on the particulars, so I am assessing my position.
Several of my friends also seem to be assessing. One friend younger than I am posted a question on the importance of his college degree this week - and lots of his age peers supported his concern. One friend younger than I had a long heartfelt conversation about personal direction and leaving home. Many of my staff are starting or finishing college, and there is lots of tension about direction and making good decisions. There is also lots of pressure to be sure there are no "lost opportunities". I remember that pressure. As I looked to my experience to help inform theirs, I realized that mine was shaped with an unexpected and unusual physical disability (surgery on both knees). The lesson was to hold on to what I needed and work through the challenges. I could not have predicted how that played out, but I was driven to achieve the pieces I needed... the associations and events that still link to where I am today (scouts, foreign travel, my university, needle arts, family, the mountains...)
As I have looked to the friends and family I have re-encountered, I know that I could not have predicted where they are either. In the last year, several have divorced, but i discovered others have never married (though I would have expected them to). Girls (now women) I was in scouting with for years, who I knew in deeply emotionally intimate ways, who I grew up with, are not in places/ situations that I could have possibly predicted! While a base essence of them is constant, still there, the specific manifestation of that is unexpected. The deeply religious girly girl became a member of the National Guard, and is now a foster parent. The life of the party (she led every late night sing-along) is a special education teacher with 2 beautiful children. A boy (now man) I went to elementary school with is a well traveled missionary, who has rebuilt the organ in the Crystal Catherdral. From my circle of "high school posse" we are all over the nation, living with parents, struggling with special needs children, finding new ways to connect with our spirituality, advocating in our communities, and just trying to get by... Of my cousins - we are all over the country, still getting our educations, touching lives in academic and military endeavors, dealing with cancer and tragic accidents, trying to equip our kids with the best tools we can, and just trying to get by...
As I look at me, I am overwhelmed with realities that I never expected. I grew up driving L.A. freeways, I never expected to spend my life exploring scenic by ways. I loved camping and scouting, but overlooked its power because it was so constant in my life. Only after the dysfunction of my body "took" those activities away from me did I understand - and I make a living doing them despite the limitations of my body. I expected to be a mom, but never ever a teacher. And I certainly could not have possibly imagined being an autism parent, and the amazing journey it has led me on. I knew I would seek knowledge all my days, but never imagined that I would learn to honor experience over "book learning"/ academic rigor. If someone had told me 20 years ago that I would be living in these blessed mountains, homeschooling, or working at a camp, I would NEVER have believed them. I would never have believed someone if they had told me I would miss authentic Mexican food. It would been beyond my realm of reality. I ask you to take a good look at you, but do not believe for one second that it in any way represents all that you will be!
More importantly, I would not have believed that I could be in such a rich emotional place - that I would have a job where my co workers are my friends, that I could be so in love with my coworkers that they are my family. I would never have believed that I could be surrounded by people who accept me, people who are not just tolerating me, but loving me, growing me... I COULD NEVER HAVE BELIEVED THAT I WOULD BE EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE! Because, "back then", I was so emotionally invested in the struggle, in the transition, that I couldn't imagine the destination. I was too busy looking for answers that I didn't see people.
And this is what I want to say to all my friends, to everyone who is transitioning RIGHT NOW: It's OK. You will not be able to imagine the destination. You will not be able to see where this is heading. Unexpected diversions will come up, and they are not "missed opportunities"! They are the windows and doors that will lead you to exactly where you are supposed to be, exactly where you need to be. DO NOT BE AFRAID! There will be angels and friends and loving people there, both along the path and at the destination. You are right - you will be sad sometimes, and frustrated sometimes, confused many times, and doors will close. But your confusion will pass, even if you choose to stand in front of that closed door, some one or some thing will come along and drag you through a different one (the secret is to listen to invitations so they don't have to drag you). The essence of you, the Gift that God made you to be, the Good that you are created to do will fight its way out, some paths will become clear, patience will be rewarded... and all those other idioms of happiness really do happen!
If you are not sure where to go next: LOVE PEOPLE, it is the most important thing you can do! In acts of love paths become crystal clear - you will know exactly what you have to hold on to and let go of.
I will say that the confusion does not ever TOTALLY disappear. My mother told me when I was 18 that I would never feel older than I did right then. Her exact words were that I would gain knowledge, information, but I would never feel more prepared to make decisions than I did right then. A good friend repeated that sentiment to me this week - saying he felt like he was still making the decisions of a 17 year old even though he was in his 20's. I have to say, I remember feeling that way right through my 20's... but I also have to say that some things did become clear, some decisions were easy, with no clouds of doubt. There were times I looked at a person, a place, an event and knew immediately what I needed to do. Many of them were not even conscious decisions - I just acted... because my heart knew it needed to, my soul just led me, I just "went there". Follow THAT.
And while I feel like (and hope) that I have gained wisdom, there are still choices that I struggle with, decisions I am afraid to make because I fear the long term ramifications, still pieces of me that I feel like I should know better. I still get frustrated with waiting for things to play out, and doors to open, I still find regrets on how I could have touched a life better, or beat myself up for not doing a better job. I try now to look for a lesson, not just be sad...
And as I wrote this, it became clear my soul is "going there" again. These words are for me too - to remind me to let the destination go, because I can't see the destination anyhow. I have been living in a fearful transition for 2 months now, but I also have some things I know I need to do, some places I know I need to go. I have people I KNOW I LOVE, and it is time to look at what is clear instead of trying to peer through the obscure mists.
The doors that open are the ones you are supposed to walk through. You exist exactly where you need to, when you need to. Love, Good, angels, surround you right now! Go kiss 'em! Live Love as an active verb!
dragon pups
Showing posts with label excellence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label excellence. Show all posts
Monday, October 7, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Renewing my Vows
ok - so there is a cute side to this story: We knew it was our 15th anniversary this year, so In January as we looked at the Annual Calendar (yes, I plan that far ahead), we started looking through our wedding pictures. My young (6 yo) daughter says:
Where am I?
Well, honey, you weren't born yet. You aren't in these pictures.
But I am part of this family!!! I should be in these pictures!!
So, we talked about it, and decided that renewing our vows would not only be an economical way to celebrate 15 years, it would also be let her be in our wedding pictures.
We set a date near our actual anniversary, and we decided to keep it low key, we worked that day, we put it in a Facebook event without actual invitations, talked to some people about it, and just went about our year. We decided that THIS time, we would write our own vows (no officiant = less cost) - I kinda challenged him to do that the first time, but he declined, so I was proud to see him agree to that.
Life went on. I thought long and hard about what I wanted and needed to say to him. I spent most of the year really happy & content with where we are as a couple, as friends - a place I really have not been before very often. I wrote soliloquies in my head, Great Odes to love and to my husband and to our history... and knew they were just too much to say. The week of the ceremony, I FINALLY started writing all these ideas down, to condense them into something that was hearable...
Here's some of the things I came up with:
1) A mother puts up with the man because she loves the boy. A wife puts up with the boyishness because she loves the man. This has been poignant this year as my mother-in-law ails. She now calls our son by my husband's name. And I have watched my son grow a lot this year. He has ASTOUNDED us with his understanding of people and human dynamics. He is approaching puberty and I need to prepare myself... I compared the way in which I love my son to the way I look at my husband, and tried to see how my mother-in-law sees my husband... and I came up with this Truth. I did NOT mention it in my vows BTW.
2) My son said to me out of the blue on a car ride this spring, "Don't worry Mom, your secret is safe with me." Oh Crap, I think. What the heck have I done that is so bad?! "Um, what secret is that, honey?" "That you and Daddy fight." That's it?! Thank goodness...
"Sweetheart - it is no secret that your daddy & I fight. ALL people disagree and misunderstand each other. The point is not that we should never fight, it's that we say we are sorry, that we forgive each other, and we try to fix when we hurt each other." It became important to me to acknowledge that we HAVE struggled to keep this relationship, to build it through time - it HAS been a LONG hard road, with a good share of doubters. I wanted to be sure that whatever I said in my vows acknowledged that LOVE is a VERB, and we have to actively choose it. What I wanted to say was:
"There were times I couldn't help but love you, and there were times that I wanted to love you, and there were times I wished I loved you, and there were times I decided to love you... but through any of it - I always LOVED you. I am looking forward to seeing how I will love you in the future." But then I thought about how the ending could be taken to be sexually suggestive, so I decided it might be a little too irreverent to say all that...
4) I started retelling all our stories, our history, to coworkers & family, to myself. The time we met, the prolonged unromantic story of our engagement, the years it took me to forgive him for thoughtless words spoken when he first met my family, the time I told him he HAD to go on a vacation away from me, the times I felt judged by him, the time he walked across DC on 9/11 to find me, the winter before the kids that was dark and suicidal for me, my journey to redefining intuition and God, the times he pushed me, the times he carried me, the times I pushed back, the times I asked too much, the times we forgave each other for being too young... I realized:
I said other stuff too. I don't actually remember the exact words, but it made him tear up (the only time I have seen him do so) - so I am grateful that the Holy Spirit gave me the words he needed to hear!
Here's what I didn't tell him (well not until 2 weeks later - 'cuz I can't keep secrets to SAVE MY LIFE)
The inside of our rings are engraved with the words we used to sign our letters to each other during our 3 years of distance relationship. He always signed his letters, "Love Always" - so that is what my ring says. I always signed his letters, "Yours Alone" - so that is what his says. As I thought about what to say, I thought about those rings, those words - and I couldn't bring myself to repeat them in the ceremony, because I haven't lived up to them.
Not because I have EVER given my body to another! The truth is that he is and has always been the only man who's touch has not disgusted or frightened me. I am a touchy-feely person, but the sexual touch is totally different! I hug, but I cannot bring myself to kiss another person.
Did I share my heart? Yes, and no. Not that I gave my heart to another man, but that I continue to ALWAYS give my heart to my students, my coworkers, my friends, my family. It has been a point of argument for us MANY times, because he feels my loyalty to others trumps my loyalty to him. We both work TOO HARD, and spend way to much time on work. As kids came, and there were even more pulls on my time (and his), and this became clearer, and easier to handle because we both saw that we NEEDED to share that loyalty and love.
There was a time in the not distant past that I said to him, "I am a mother first, an instrument of God's will second, and your wife when and if I have time." I finally reached a point that I felt his demands on me compromised my ability to teach, to make a difference in the world around me. I decided that I had heard the Call, that I was being directed to move down a particular work path, that the Kids needed to see "mom's work" as a sibling and be prepared to share me with my commitments to others. Not only would I be doing what I was Divinely Made To Do, but they would learn a good work ethic.
At first I felt I had violated my promises, but then thought about that "it takes lots of man" thing - I am a VERY VERY intense person. He does not deserve to be saddled with all that intensity all the time. Even I have trouble living with my intensity all the time! And I did tell him all this just last night, because he deserves to know that I am True to him while I am True to me too. I will continue to love him and honor our life together - as it was meant to be. We teach each other. And I will continue to love others too. 'Cuz that is what God made me to do. I have to.
Where am I?
Well, honey, you weren't born yet. You aren't in these pictures.
But I am part of this family!!! I should be in these pictures!!
So, we talked about it, and decided that renewing our vows would not only be an economical way to celebrate 15 years, it would also be let her be in our wedding pictures.
We set a date near our actual anniversary, and we decided to keep it low key, we worked that day, we put it in a Facebook event without actual invitations, talked to some people about it, and just went about our year. We decided that THIS time, we would write our own vows (no officiant = less cost) - I kinda challenged him to do that the first time, but he declined, so I was proud to see him agree to that.
Life went on. I thought long and hard about what I wanted and needed to say to him. I spent most of the year really happy & content with where we are as a couple, as friends - a place I really have not been before very often. I wrote soliloquies in my head, Great Odes to love and to my husband and to our history... and knew they were just too much to say. The week of the ceremony, I FINALLY started writing all these ideas down, to condense them into something that was hearable...
Here's some of the things I came up with:
1) A mother puts up with the man because she loves the boy. A wife puts up with the boyishness because she loves the man. This has been poignant this year as my mother-in-law ails. She now calls our son by my husband's name. And I have watched my son grow a lot this year. He has ASTOUNDED us with his understanding of people and human dynamics. He is approaching puberty and I need to prepare myself... I compared the way in which I love my son to the way I look at my husband, and tried to see how my mother-in-law sees my husband... and I came up with this Truth. I did NOT mention it in my vows BTW.
2) My son said to me out of the blue on a car ride this spring, "Don't worry Mom, your secret is safe with me." Oh Crap, I think. What the heck have I done that is so bad?! "Um, what secret is that, honey?" "That you and Daddy fight." That's it?! Thank goodness...
"Sweetheart - it is no secret that your daddy & I fight. ALL people disagree and misunderstand each other. The point is not that we should never fight, it's that we say we are sorry, that we forgive each other, and we try to fix when we hurt each other." It became important to me to acknowledge that we HAVE struggled to keep this relationship, to build it through time - it HAS been a LONG hard road, with a good share of doubters. I wanted to be sure that whatever I said in my vows acknowledged that LOVE is a VERB, and we have to actively choose it. What I wanted to say was:
"There were times I couldn't help but love you, and there were times that I wanted to love you, and there were times I wished I loved you, and there were times I decided to love you... but through any of it - I always LOVED you. I am looking forward to seeing how I will love you in the future." But then I thought about how the ending could be taken to be sexually suggestive, so I decided it might be a little too irreverent to say all that...
4) I started retelling all our stories, our history, to coworkers & family, to myself. The time we met, the prolonged unromantic story of our engagement, the years it took me to forgive him for thoughtless words spoken when he first met my family, the time I told him he HAD to go on a vacation away from me, the times I felt judged by him, the time he walked across DC on 9/11 to find me, the winter before the kids that was dark and suicidal for me, my journey to redefining intuition and God, the times he pushed me, the times he carried me, the times I pushed back, the times I asked too much, the times we forgave each other for being too young... I realized:
It takes a lot of woman to love a man like him. And it takes a LOT of man to love a woman like me.
So that is what I told him.I said other stuff too. I don't actually remember the exact words, but it made him tear up (the only time I have seen him do so) - so I am grateful that the Holy Spirit gave me the words he needed to hear!
Here's what I didn't tell him (well not until 2 weeks later - 'cuz I can't keep secrets to SAVE MY LIFE)
The inside of our rings are engraved with the words we used to sign our letters to each other during our 3 years of distance relationship. He always signed his letters, "Love Always" - so that is what my ring says. I always signed his letters, "Yours Alone" - so that is what his says. As I thought about what to say, I thought about those rings, those words - and I couldn't bring myself to repeat them in the ceremony, because I haven't lived up to them.
Not because I have EVER given my body to another! The truth is that he is and has always been the only man who's touch has not disgusted or frightened me. I am a touchy-feely person, but the sexual touch is totally different! I hug, but I cannot bring myself to kiss another person.
Did I share my heart? Yes, and no. Not that I gave my heart to another man, but that I continue to ALWAYS give my heart to my students, my coworkers, my friends, my family. It has been a point of argument for us MANY times, because he feels my loyalty to others trumps my loyalty to him. We both work TOO HARD, and spend way to much time on work. As kids came, and there were even more pulls on my time (and his), and this became clearer, and easier to handle because we both saw that we NEEDED to share that loyalty and love.
There was a time in the not distant past that I said to him, "I am a mother first, an instrument of God's will second, and your wife when and if I have time." I finally reached a point that I felt his demands on me compromised my ability to teach, to make a difference in the world around me. I decided that I had heard the Call, that I was being directed to move down a particular work path, that the Kids needed to see "mom's work" as a sibling and be prepared to share me with my commitments to others. Not only would I be doing what I was Divinely Made To Do, but they would learn a good work ethic.
This issue with saying "yours alone" was not that I had given me to someone besides him - it is that I realized I had RECLAIMED part of myself FOR ME! And I was not gonna be giving that back! I am NOT "his alone", because I am mine too.
At first I felt I had violated my promises, but then thought about that "it takes lots of man" thing - I am a VERY VERY intense person. He does not deserve to be saddled with all that intensity all the time. Even I have trouble living with my intensity all the time! And I did tell him all this just last night, because he deserves to know that I am True to him while I am True to me too. I will continue to love him and honor our life together - as it was meant to be. We teach each other. And I will continue to love others too. 'Cuz that is what God made me to do. I have to.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
St Patty's Day...
On this day of O'Ness... we have celebrated Irish culture with a discussion about the Holy Trinity symbolized by the Shamrock, whether or not leprechauns will tickle to the death, Guinness Stew & Colcannon...
And some BIG insights of the "Gift of Gab".
We awoke to pinching and tickling as we decided who had green "on" (my kiddo wasn't letting me get away with green nail polish, but he was naked, so he was on the defense...) Then we settled into Irish traditions like the shamrock (being the Holy Trinity) and the kissing of the Blarney Stone. After pretending to be a leprechaun for a little bit, we moved on the to Gift of Gab!
We talked about how we (the family) have the Gift in different ways. For some the Gift of Gab has to do with Woo (from the Strengths Psychology - the idea that everyone is a friend like a politician or salesman has) while for other the Gift of Gab is about story telling and dramatic narrative, but it can also be just having lots of detail and information to share, saying things n a way that people can understand, "words they can hear" so to speak...
my Aspie wandered off for a second, and then came back and said
"I don't know why the children at school said 'alert' every time I sat down to eat"
Ah - this has been haunting him a lot these few months, trying to come to grips with the bullying just before we started homeschooling, but he has not been so clear in his expression declaration of the events or his concerns, and he was not agitated, but thoughtful. Just yesterday we had discussed the Native American story in which the the elder tells the young brave that there are 2 wolves in each of us, Love and Fear; the one you feed is the one that "wins". He had tried to show me he was "feeding" his Fear Wolf by looking for things to break. Time to think carefully, Mom.
"Well, I think that some of them thought that it really was a joke. A____ clearly did it as a joke, but X____ clearly did it to be mean. You knew that. That's why you hit X____."
"But I was the one who was mean! I hit X____! I was supposed to tell a trusted friend!" NOW he's agitated! the high pitched screech, the shaking...
"Yes, that was mean, but X____ was mean first, so we know you had a reason to be mad.
And you could have used your gift of gab. You could have looked at X____ and said 'Don't say that to me!' You could have said to X____ 'Please stop, it is NOT funny.'"
A HUGE, deep genuine smile beamed across his face, his eyes continued to look far away, his body got still, and he slowly, quietly said, "yeah...."
Then he moved in for a cuddle.
I think this indicates that he forgave himself, and I am sooooo thankful!
Then he said, "I could use my Gift of Gab to come up behind them ,and then"
I interrupted him, "God loves you just as much as he loves those other kids. The Gift of Gab can also be called self advocacy. You have the ability to tell them that they should be nice to you, to please stop, and to go tell an adult. The more you talk, use your gift of gab, the more you be a friend, the more they can see your Love Wolf, the less they can hurt you"
He just kept beaming that smile, and his body was stayed STILL, and he muttered "yeah"...
I watched that smile, and for the first time in 2 years, I started thinking, "he'll be OK to go back to school. He will be able to tell them to treat him with respect and not feel forced to act out"
If only we kind find adults he can trust. He did NOT say that he should have told a "trusted adult"....
We have told him before that part of the reason we homeschooled is because we don't feel like the adults at the school were doing their best job to protect any of the children from bullying, but he has carried guilt about how he was bad, and how he had hurt others...
And he is right to feel bad, but only within the context of forgiveness.
And it is the Gift of Gab, that thing that pushes us and allows us to communicate with others, that will help us build forgiveness... we have been discussing all this in different terms for over a year, and only now seem to have hit on the vocabulary that enables forgiveness...
I will readily admit that a lack of verbal skills/ ability would be a significant "handicap" in using your Gift of Gab - but I have studied abroad (just can't meet the vocabulary), and struggled with strange cultures (learning about new families, moving across the country), and communication is NOT always about words. (usually it's about food when words can't be found - wink wink)
Genuine, True Friendliness is clear across whatever barriers. If that Woo is there, that drive to connect, that faith that there are no strangers, only friends not yet made - then connection will occur! But you have to be OPEN to it - because the format can be surprising. I think this is the essence of the "intuition", the "collective consciousness" that psychics are talking about... the unconditional love, the magic moments, new awareness that Autism brings...
Maybe the Gift of Gab isn't about words... maybe it's about self advocacy. Maybe it's about acknowledging the magic/ divine in you as much as you do in others... maybe it is about finally being brave enough to love yourself as you love others, not just love your neighbors as yourselves... expecting miscommunication and misunderstanding is part of the process, but it seems like that faith in humanity is part of it too.
I have worked from the time my children were infants to help them believe the world is their Friend, to automatically assume the best of people. Apparently It is working?
And some BIG insights of the "Gift of Gab".
We awoke to pinching and tickling as we decided who had green "on" (my kiddo wasn't letting me get away with green nail polish, but he was naked, so he was on the defense...) Then we settled into Irish traditions like the shamrock (being the Holy Trinity) and the kissing of the Blarney Stone. After pretending to be a leprechaun for a little bit, we moved on the to Gift of Gab!
We talked about how we (the family) have the Gift in different ways. For some the Gift of Gab has to do with Woo (from the Strengths Psychology - the idea that everyone is a friend like a politician or salesman has) while for other the Gift of Gab is about story telling and dramatic narrative, but it can also be just having lots of detail and information to share, saying things n a way that people can understand, "words they can hear" so to speak...
my Aspie wandered off for a second, and then came back and said
"I don't know why the children at school said 'alert' every time I sat down to eat"
Ah - this has been haunting him a lot these few months, trying to come to grips with the bullying just before we started homeschooling, but he has not been so clear in his expression declaration of the events or his concerns, and he was not agitated, but thoughtful. Just yesterday we had discussed the Native American story in which the the elder tells the young brave that there are 2 wolves in each of us, Love and Fear; the one you feed is the one that "wins". He had tried to show me he was "feeding" his Fear Wolf by looking for things to break. Time to think carefully, Mom.
"Well, I think that some of them thought that it really was a joke. A____ clearly did it as a joke, but X____ clearly did it to be mean. You knew that. That's why you hit X____."
"But I was the one who was mean! I hit X____! I was supposed to tell a trusted friend!" NOW he's agitated! the high pitched screech, the shaking...
"Yes, that was mean, but X____ was mean first, so we know you had a reason to be mad.
And you could have used your gift of gab. You could have looked at X____ and said 'Don't say that to me!' You could have said to X____ 'Please stop, it is NOT funny.'"
A HUGE, deep genuine smile beamed across his face, his eyes continued to look far away, his body got still, and he slowly, quietly said, "yeah...."
Then he moved in for a cuddle.
I think this indicates that he forgave himself, and I am sooooo thankful!
Then he said, "I could use my Gift of Gab to come up behind them ,and then"
I interrupted him, "God loves you just as much as he loves those other kids. The Gift of Gab can also be called self advocacy. You have the ability to tell them that they should be nice to you, to please stop, and to go tell an adult. The more you talk, use your gift of gab, the more you be a friend, the more they can see your Love Wolf, the less they can hurt you"
He just kept beaming that smile, and his body was stayed STILL, and he muttered "yeah"...
I watched that smile, and for the first time in 2 years, I started thinking, "he'll be OK to go back to school. He will be able to tell them to treat him with respect and not feel forced to act out"
If only we kind find adults he can trust. He did NOT say that he should have told a "trusted adult"....
We have told him before that part of the reason we homeschooled is because we don't feel like the adults at the school were doing their best job to protect any of the children from bullying, but he has carried guilt about how he was bad, and how he had hurt others...
And he is right to feel bad, but only within the context of forgiveness.
And it is the Gift of Gab, that thing that pushes us and allows us to communicate with others, that will help us build forgiveness... we have been discussing all this in different terms for over a year, and only now seem to have hit on the vocabulary that enables forgiveness...
I will readily admit that a lack of verbal skills/ ability would be a significant "handicap" in using your Gift of Gab - but I have studied abroad (just can't meet the vocabulary), and struggled with strange cultures (learning about new families, moving across the country), and communication is NOT always about words. (usually it's about food when words can't be found - wink wink)
Genuine, True Friendliness is clear across whatever barriers. If that Woo is there, that drive to connect, that faith that there are no strangers, only friends not yet made - then connection will occur! But you have to be OPEN to it - because the format can be surprising. I think this is the essence of the "intuition", the "collective consciousness" that psychics are talking about... the unconditional love, the magic moments, new awareness that Autism brings...
Maybe the Gift of Gab isn't about words... maybe it's about self advocacy. Maybe it's about acknowledging the magic/ divine in you as much as you do in others... maybe it is about finally being brave enough to love yourself as you love others, not just love your neighbors as yourselves... expecting miscommunication and misunderstanding is part of the process, but it seems like that faith in humanity is part of it too.
I have worked from the time my children were infants to help them believe the world is their Friend, to automatically assume the best of people. Apparently It is working?
Sunday, December 9, 2012
On Meditation
So, about a month ago I went to a seminar on meditation at the Smithsonian. I Am not sure what I expected to happen, but I knew I was seeking some "thing" and needed to go to this event.
Before the event even started I had a rather interesting experience just getting off the metro and crossing the Mall. I walked into an Autism Speaks walk. I had seen some sorority girls on the train (a gaggle of them) and they exited with me - and I saw them go man a both of games. As I walked closer to the center of the event, I was overwhelmed with emotion, to the point of tears sliding down my face. I stood in the middle a moment, and then went to look at the booths. I noticed organizations I didn't know about in my area - therapy places I would have latched on to 2 years ago. The funny thing was, that I couldn't even name the strong emotion I was feeling. I almost wanted to just thank people for caring so much to get together, but then I had this undertone of coming at it from the wrong angle, like there was passion to be heard, but that the forum (?) wasn't quite "right". I noticed all the families/ teams in their colored T-shirts, identifying a child they supported, the one they wanted to heal. I kept thinking about overwhelming numbers of people. (Know that I am a born performer and do NOT have crowd anxiety). So, I just stood there in the middle of this event, crying, and .... nothing. No one spoke to me, no one looked at me.... I almost felt invisible. I have almost never had that feeling before - I am pretty flamboyant.
And so, I left and went to my class. As soon as I turned the corner from the gathering - the intensity left me, the "pressure"/ "sensation"/ whatever-it-was just dissipated and I felt "normal".
I have a "gut feeling" theory about what happened, but I am not sure I want to put it in words- yet.
So The seminar was informative, and I enjoyed it. I knew that I was seeking some kind of link with our journey with Autism and whatever meditation is/ does, but I did not know what I was looking for, what the connection would be. I think I will need to do some more mediating and research to see it clearly. This particular seminar had a great emphasis on brain mapping and brain function with meditation - which DOES have strong connections. At the very end, the instructor talked about a study that looked at brain imaging while decision making, and his point was that meditators make wiser decisions (it was a money offer thing) - but an audience member brought up that the actions of the non-meditators were a natural part of the bartering process...a form of communication if you will... In the context of how he explained the study, it was as if the meditators were able to choose to forgo the social bantering in light of the end result (getting a little money gift)... I am compelled to consider then how that works with the diagnostic criteria of "social awkwardness" - are we saying that it is ok to choose to not follow social conventions, but if you are unaware of them to begin with you have a problem?
I think this is an extension of the communication argument How do I know or believe that there is conscious thought when I cannot communicate with it, "touch" it? We seek "signs" of communcation all the time - the person in a coma who can lift a finger when we speak, or the dog who goes to the door when we say "outside", or the object in the drawer that wasn't there before we prayed for it... how about the look from your husband showing he will get the diaper, or the hug from your mom that shows she really can't stop loving you, or the child who does something you've asked (over and over) for the first time. That's ALL we are really looking for, is "proof" that "someone is in there" and we are connected to them.
So when Theory of Mind says Autistic people don't have any inkling of what others around them are thinking, that they even are thinking - are we saying that we can't make effective "contact"? There are too many parents, too many families that KNOW that not to be true, that have WITNESSED the empathy and concern. We ARE making contact. But it's like we are in totally different worlds, bridging unbridgeable gaps...
I had some insights on the mechanics of mediation itself too...
Meditation is NOT about stilling your mind. The whole "thing" about meditation is self-awareness, self-acceptance. It is characterized by being able to live "in the moment" - not trying to hold on to a past or avoid a future. There were 2 things the instructor said that REALLY hit home with me:
1
Think of your mind as the sky- VAST. Your thoughts are like the clouds, the weather. They roll around inside the sky, but the sky is always bigger than the weather. His instruction was to "see" the cloud, the thought, identify it, and let it just pass through. Just let it "be" there without holding on to it... Here's what I saw:
From the top of the mesa you can see the sky for ever, from the curvature of the Earth to the mountains reaching for the heavens. Settlers walking across America could see landmarks for weeks (sometimes 4 to 6) before they were actually at them. If you haven't driven across the deserts and seen the Big Sky - you need to follow in Lightening McQueen's footsteps and do it. Historic Latin American literature features the Bigger Than Life geography that is America. From Skyline Drive, Virginia I can see at least 13 ridges of mountains to my west, stretching into West Virginia and Kentucky - places I cannot drive in one day, and each nook and cranny holds a story, several epic life histories. The sky is VAST. From the top of the mesa, I saw the clouds, casting great shadows across the Earth - you drive through them on the interstate, can see the lines on the ground of dark & light - but from the top of the mesa you can see the shadow footprint of entire clouds. Then a Great Thunderhead Storm, rolls across the desert - you can see the cloud extending up beyond your sight into the atmosphere, and hear the thunder crash across the flat lands. The Earth turns dark beneath it, from the shadow and from the deluge of water that is washing the ground below. I have driven in one of those in Albuquerque. On one side of the line the ground was sandy, and on the other mud, rain so thick wipers could NOT keep the windshield clear, and you saw it as you came into town, could see the ribbon of highway leading into the heart of the storm, and disappearing into the wall of water. I have also seen those storms from the top of the mesa that stay away from the highway, that follow the alleys of the mountains and rivers, that seek nature's curves and convolutions - not man's straight highways. You can see them for hours, and then never get "in" them.
And I had a sudden insight. I suddenly understood what it meant to live "in the moment". If I am standing atop the mesa or the mountain, I can observe and eventually predict with some accuracy the familiar path of travel the clouds will follow, but I cannot stand atop the height and call them to me! There is no use in worrying about the cloud that will never reach me. It will either come, or it will not. And if and when it does, it shall pass - it cannot "stay". I will have some consequences of the cloud's path to deal with, whether they are big or small, but I will again return to the sun and find glory in it's warmth and power. If I spend all my time preparing for the Great Thunderhead, then I will not have time for the light mists, or the sunny days, or the rainbows.... and I may spend time being afraid of a Great Thunderhead that will NEVER cross my path!
Then, I had a vision, of "falling"/ "flying" off the mesa into the cloud, of pulling the Great Thunderhead to me and pulling me to it - and I suddenly understood all the conversation about creating our reality, about finding what you seek, about how our expectations determine our outcomes! By "choosing" to be as big as the sky and let the cloud follow its path, I free myself from it. It will either come, or it will not. I will have times when I am wet, and times when I am dry. Peace is NOT in "stillness", it is in bobbing through the changes, rolling with the punches, dancing with time, not trying to hold it.
2
Love trumps everything. Most cultures hold this Truth, but in meditation, the idea is that your self-love, self-acceptance is what creates your ability to be as "big as the sky". If you are trying to form the clouds because you fear them, then you will be immersed in them, not larger than them, but if you you can find a place to value, to love everything you find, then you can accept it into the picture and allow it to "be". The lesson of meditation is that love starts within yourself, and once you can accept you, even with your shortcomings, then you can accept others. Once you have "loved" your own pain (looked at it, felt it, valued it, solved it) you can look to others with compassion because you know their pain too. Empathy, compassion - the outward expressions of Love - have to begin with in the self to have genuine understanding. And Love trumps EVERYTHING.
Love and JOY are NOT the same thing. As an Autism Mom, I find Love even in things that do NOT bring me joy... like cleaning crap out of the carpet or finding an entire bottle of shampoo emptied in sink, or seeing my grandmother's arm chair collapsed from jumping. These actions bring me sorrow, but I can choose to either Love them or Fear them. If I am choosing Love, I see these sorrowful events as windows into my child's function, communications into his needs - whether they are sensory or emotional or intellectual. With Love, I can use these as opportunities to connect with my child and then define new ways to relate (act towards one another). Fear drives me to correct without providing alternatives, with out identifying the underlying drive (communication), and if I continue to operate fearfully, I will undermine whatever loving actions could have been manifested, continue to warp our relations with fear.
I speak of this often to my children. There are so many "things" they need to know about God and religion, but ultimately there is One Truth:
Make EVERY decision out if Love. COMMIT LOVING ACTS.
In discussions about social appropriateness (that was a rude thing to say), in discipline about treating resources wisely/ respectfully (not breaking toys, not leaving messes), in demonstrating treatment of animals (gentle hands on the dog), in helping them accept their differences (refereeing their jealousy, offering them labels to call themselves) - in ALL things, there is One Truth that could motivate ALL their actions - COMMIT LOVING ACTS. I tell my kids all the time, that the only rule is to COMMIT LOVING ACTS. If you Love someone, you will think about how your actions and words affect them - you will try to think about if something you are doing will worry them (wander too far, eat unhealthy things, practice dangerous activities, etc.) and you will show you love them by helping them not worry (building TRUST). Jesus said: Love others as you love yourself. So DO that, be kind to yourself and others! Forgive yourself and others! Take care of yourself and others! Be sure that every act you make is motivated from Love, and you will not mess up!
This discussion has been helpful to us in so may arenas. I use it to talk about Star Wars (Anakin commits murder out of FEAR for Padme, for the vision of her death he sees. He could have made the decision to LOVE her every minute he had her, but he did not - and his redemption comes when he chooses to LOVE Luke instead of FEARing the Emperor.)
We use it to talk about conservation (we can choose to LOVE the land and those who live on it, to honor their natural processes, to be a respectful part of that process because we LOVE it and share it, or we can act out of FEAR that people don't think like us and have to be kept away from nature, or FEAR that putting animals first will destroy what we already have or could have). We use this to talk about our daily wranglings with family dynamics (your sister sees you get extra time with therapy, she is AFRAID that she gets less time because we don;t love her, how can we show her we LOVE her? You grandmother's body is very tired, and soon it will no longer work for her. She is AFRAID that we will forget her, how can we show her we LOVE her? Your bother hears people talk about how different he is all the time. Do you think that he is AFRAID he is not supposed to be different? How can we show him we LOVE his differences?). I use it to talk about sensory processing (We are doing something new, we don't know for sure what we will need to do, but should we avoid it because we FEAR the unknown or should we prepare ourselves and LOVE learning).
Ultimately, every decision by every person is driven by one thing: what you think of "people" - either you FEAR them, or you LOVE them - either you go through your life expecting to be lied to, cheated, hurt or you go through your life expecting the best of everyone - including yourself. And it IS a choice. And you, a parent, shape the direction your child will face first.
Back to the seminar: I expect to follow up with the instructor or another formal meditation community (because I learn better in community) and keep exploring, because for me, it is will probably be an effective window into action.
Before the event even started I had a rather interesting experience just getting off the metro and crossing the Mall. I walked into an Autism Speaks walk. I had seen some sorority girls on the train (a gaggle of them) and they exited with me - and I saw them go man a both of games. As I walked closer to the center of the event, I was overwhelmed with emotion, to the point of tears sliding down my face. I stood in the middle a moment, and then went to look at the booths. I noticed organizations I didn't know about in my area - therapy places I would have latched on to 2 years ago. The funny thing was, that I couldn't even name the strong emotion I was feeling. I almost wanted to just thank people for caring so much to get together, but then I had this undertone of coming at it from the wrong angle, like there was passion to be heard, but that the forum (?) wasn't quite "right". I noticed all the families/ teams in their colored T-shirts, identifying a child they supported, the one they wanted to heal. I kept thinking about overwhelming numbers of people. (Know that I am a born performer and do NOT have crowd anxiety). So, I just stood there in the middle of this event, crying, and .... nothing. No one spoke to me, no one looked at me.... I almost felt invisible. I have almost never had that feeling before - I am pretty flamboyant.
And so, I left and went to my class. As soon as I turned the corner from the gathering - the intensity left me, the "pressure"/ "sensation"/ whatever-it-was just dissipated and I felt "normal".
I have a "gut feeling" theory about what happened, but I am not sure I want to put it in words- yet.
So The seminar was informative, and I enjoyed it. I knew that I was seeking some kind of link with our journey with Autism and whatever meditation is/ does, but I did not know what I was looking for, what the connection would be. I think I will need to do some more mediating and research to see it clearly. This particular seminar had a great emphasis on brain mapping and brain function with meditation - which DOES have strong connections. At the very end, the instructor talked about a study that looked at brain imaging while decision making, and his point was that meditators make wiser decisions (it was a money offer thing) - but an audience member brought up that the actions of the non-meditators were a natural part of the bartering process...a form of communication if you will... In the context of how he explained the study, it was as if the meditators were able to choose to forgo the social bantering in light of the end result (getting a little money gift)... I am compelled to consider then how that works with the diagnostic criteria of "social awkwardness" - are we saying that it is ok to choose to not follow social conventions, but if you are unaware of them to begin with you have a problem?
I think this is an extension of the communication argument How do I know or believe that there is conscious thought when I cannot communicate with it, "touch" it? We seek "signs" of communcation all the time - the person in a coma who can lift a finger when we speak, or the dog who goes to the door when we say "outside", or the object in the drawer that wasn't there before we prayed for it... how about the look from your husband showing he will get the diaper, or the hug from your mom that shows she really can't stop loving you, or the child who does something you've asked (over and over) for the first time. That's ALL we are really looking for, is "proof" that "someone is in there" and we are connected to them.
So when Theory of Mind says Autistic people don't have any inkling of what others around them are thinking, that they even are thinking - are we saying that we can't make effective "contact"? There are too many parents, too many families that KNOW that not to be true, that have WITNESSED the empathy and concern. We ARE making contact. But it's like we are in totally different worlds, bridging unbridgeable gaps...
I had some insights on the mechanics of mediation itself too...
Meditation is NOT about stilling your mind. The whole "thing" about meditation is self-awareness, self-acceptance. It is characterized by being able to live "in the moment" - not trying to hold on to a past or avoid a future. There were 2 things the instructor said that REALLY hit home with me:
1
Think of your mind as the sky- VAST. Your thoughts are like the clouds, the weather. They roll around inside the sky, but the sky is always bigger than the weather. His instruction was to "see" the cloud, the thought, identify it, and let it just pass through. Just let it "be" there without holding on to it... Here's what I saw:
From the top of the mesa you can see the sky for ever, from the curvature of the Earth to the mountains reaching for the heavens. Settlers walking across America could see landmarks for weeks (sometimes 4 to 6) before they were actually at them. If you haven't driven across the deserts and seen the Big Sky - you need to follow in Lightening McQueen's footsteps and do it. Historic Latin American literature features the Bigger Than Life geography that is America. From Skyline Drive, Virginia I can see at least 13 ridges of mountains to my west, stretching into West Virginia and Kentucky - places I cannot drive in one day, and each nook and cranny holds a story, several epic life histories. The sky is VAST. From the top of the mesa, I saw the clouds, casting great shadows across the Earth - you drive through them on the interstate, can see the lines on the ground of dark & light - but from the top of the mesa you can see the shadow footprint of entire clouds. Then a Great Thunderhead Storm, rolls across the desert - you can see the cloud extending up beyond your sight into the atmosphere, and hear the thunder crash across the flat lands. The Earth turns dark beneath it, from the shadow and from the deluge of water that is washing the ground below. I have driven in one of those in Albuquerque. On one side of the line the ground was sandy, and on the other mud, rain so thick wipers could NOT keep the windshield clear, and you saw it as you came into town, could see the ribbon of highway leading into the heart of the storm, and disappearing into the wall of water. I have also seen those storms from the top of the mesa that stay away from the highway, that follow the alleys of the mountains and rivers, that seek nature's curves and convolutions - not man's straight highways. You can see them for hours, and then never get "in" them.
And I had a sudden insight. I suddenly understood what it meant to live "in the moment". If I am standing atop the mesa or the mountain, I can observe and eventually predict with some accuracy the familiar path of travel the clouds will follow, but I cannot stand atop the height and call them to me! There is no use in worrying about the cloud that will never reach me. It will either come, or it will not. And if and when it does, it shall pass - it cannot "stay". I will have some consequences of the cloud's path to deal with, whether they are big or small, but I will again return to the sun and find glory in it's warmth and power. If I spend all my time preparing for the Great Thunderhead, then I will not have time for the light mists, or the sunny days, or the rainbows.... and I may spend time being afraid of a Great Thunderhead that will NEVER cross my path!
Then, I had a vision, of "falling"/ "flying" off the mesa into the cloud, of pulling the Great Thunderhead to me and pulling me to it - and I suddenly understood all the conversation about creating our reality, about finding what you seek, about how our expectations determine our outcomes! By "choosing" to be as big as the sky and let the cloud follow its path, I free myself from it. It will either come, or it will not. I will have times when I am wet, and times when I am dry. Peace is NOT in "stillness", it is in bobbing through the changes, rolling with the punches, dancing with time, not trying to hold it.
2
Love trumps everything. Most cultures hold this Truth, but in meditation, the idea is that your self-love, self-acceptance is what creates your ability to be as "big as the sky". If you are trying to form the clouds because you fear them, then you will be immersed in them, not larger than them, but if you you can find a place to value, to love everything you find, then you can accept it into the picture and allow it to "be". The lesson of meditation is that love starts within yourself, and once you can accept you, even with your shortcomings, then you can accept others. Once you have "loved" your own pain (looked at it, felt it, valued it, solved it) you can look to others with compassion because you know their pain too. Empathy, compassion - the outward expressions of Love - have to begin with in the self to have genuine understanding. And Love trumps EVERYTHING.
Love and JOY are NOT the same thing. As an Autism Mom, I find Love even in things that do NOT bring me joy... like cleaning crap out of the carpet or finding an entire bottle of shampoo emptied in sink, or seeing my grandmother's arm chair collapsed from jumping. These actions bring me sorrow, but I can choose to either Love them or Fear them. If I am choosing Love, I see these sorrowful events as windows into my child's function, communications into his needs - whether they are sensory or emotional or intellectual. With Love, I can use these as opportunities to connect with my child and then define new ways to relate (act towards one another). Fear drives me to correct without providing alternatives, with out identifying the underlying drive (communication), and if I continue to operate fearfully, I will undermine whatever loving actions could have been manifested, continue to warp our relations with fear.
I speak of this often to my children. There are so many "things" they need to know about God and religion, but ultimately there is One Truth:
Make EVERY decision out if Love. COMMIT LOVING ACTS.
In discussions about social appropriateness (that was a rude thing to say), in discipline about treating resources wisely/ respectfully (not breaking toys, not leaving messes), in demonstrating treatment of animals (gentle hands on the dog), in helping them accept their differences (refereeing their jealousy, offering them labels to call themselves) - in ALL things, there is One Truth that could motivate ALL their actions - COMMIT LOVING ACTS. I tell my kids all the time, that the only rule is to COMMIT LOVING ACTS. If you Love someone, you will think about how your actions and words affect them - you will try to think about if something you are doing will worry them (wander too far, eat unhealthy things, practice dangerous activities, etc.) and you will show you love them by helping them not worry (building TRUST). Jesus said: Love others as you love yourself. So DO that, be kind to yourself and others! Forgive yourself and others! Take care of yourself and others! Be sure that every act you make is motivated from Love, and you will not mess up!
This discussion has been helpful to us in so may arenas. I use it to talk about Star Wars (Anakin commits murder out of FEAR for Padme, for the vision of her death he sees. He could have made the decision to LOVE her every minute he had her, but he did not - and his redemption comes when he chooses to LOVE Luke instead of FEARing the Emperor.)
We use it to talk about conservation (we can choose to LOVE the land and those who live on it, to honor their natural processes, to be a respectful part of that process because we LOVE it and share it, or we can act out of FEAR that people don't think like us and have to be kept away from nature, or FEAR that putting animals first will destroy what we already have or could have). We use this to talk about our daily wranglings with family dynamics (your sister sees you get extra time with therapy, she is AFRAID that she gets less time because we don;t love her, how can we show her we LOVE her? You grandmother's body is very tired, and soon it will no longer work for her. She is AFRAID that we will forget her, how can we show her we LOVE her? Your bother hears people talk about how different he is all the time. Do you think that he is AFRAID he is not supposed to be different? How can we show him we LOVE his differences?). I use it to talk about sensory processing (We are doing something new, we don't know for sure what we will need to do, but should we avoid it because we FEAR the unknown or should we prepare ourselves and LOVE learning).
Ultimately, every decision by every person is driven by one thing: what you think of "people" - either you FEAR them, or you LOVE them - either you go through your life expecting to be lied to, cheated, hurt or you go through your life expecting the best of everyone - including yourself. And it IS a choice. And you, a parent, shape the direction your child will face first.
Back to the seminar: I expect to follow up with the instructor or another formal meditation community (because I learn better in community) and keep exploring, because for me, it is will probably be an effective window into action.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Good kids
some days, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated....
and some days I remember to just watch and be AMAZED....
I have Good Kids!
Like yesterday:
We had brunch at Panera - we were commuting home from Maryland to Virginia and after getting stuck in city traffic we HAD to eat, so we went to Panera. My kids polished off 5 meals with me...1 bowl of soup, 3 cups of soup, 2 sandwiches, 1 salad and 1 quiche. This particular Panera was near a Big Mall and a County Government Center - they were the ONLY children in the restaurant (home schooling seems to be less prevelant in these uber urban areas - I guess they get the services they need/ want), and while there was some "contact sport" involved in the salad eating, sandwiches are supposed to have fingers, and the use of spoon was superior! As I sat surrounded by urban professionals and uptown moms, I was very proud of my children comporting themselves approriately and decoriously. You know, we ARE pretty cool...
Later that evening, after Girl Scout meeting, as we completed our "eternal hang out at the library" day, I momentarily misplaced my son, and found him in the bathroom, with poop all over his hands and the toilet. He has developed some.... unorthodox.... methods for coping with constipation mechanically. Naturally I found the librarian and asked for extra paper towels and sanitary wipes. Thankfully it was near the end of the library's operating day and I did not have a big audience to deal with this just fabulous activity. The library staff was nicely appreciative. You know, we ARE pretty gross...
Once again, I am reminded that ALL lives are an amazing combination of Tradgedy and Triumph, of Greatness and Horrificness... the ups come with the downs and the downs come with the ups...
The lesson seems to be: Ride the waves, man... Just BE where you are, 'cuz you're gonna be someplace else soon.
It also is that everything takes 5 times longer than you think it should....suck it up.
Sometimes I am am so proud of all we are, as a family...
And sometimes I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated...
and some days I remember to just watch and be AMAZED....
I have Good Kids!
Like yesterday:
We had brunch at Panera - we were commuting home from Maryland to Virginia and after getting stuck in city traffic we HAD to eat, so we went to Panera. My kids polished off 5 meals with me...1 bowl of soup, 3 cups of soup, 2 sandwiches, 1 salad and 1 quiche. This particular Panera was near a Big Mall and a County Government Center - they were the ONLY children in the restaurant (home schooling seems to be less prevelant in these uber urban areas - I guess they get the services they need/ want), and while there was some "contact sport" involved in the salad eating, sandwiches are supposed to have fingers, and the use of spoon was superior! As I sat surrounded by urban professionals and uptown moms, I was very proud of my children comporting themselves approriately and decoriously. You know, we ARE pretty cool...
Later that evening, after Girl Scout meeting, as we completed our "eternal hang out at the library" day, I momentarily misplaced my son, and found him in the bathroom, with poop all over his hands and the toilet. He has developed some.... unorthodox.... methods for coping with constipation mechanically. Naturally I found the librarian and asked for extra paper towels and sanitary wipes. Thankfully it was near the end of the library's operating day and I did not have a big audience to deal with this just fabulous activity. The library staff was nicely appreciative. You know, we ARE pretty gross...
Once again, I am reminded that ALL lives are an amazing combination of Tradgedy and Triumph, of Greatness and Horrificness... the ups come with the downs and the downs come with the ups...
The lesson seems to be: Ride the waves, man... Just BE where you are, 'cuz you're gonna be someplace else soon.
It also is that everything takes 5 times longer than you think it should....suck it up.
Sometimes I am am so proud of all we are, as a family...
And sometimes I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated...
Monday, August 13, 2012
On Heroes
I have had a moment - an insight in the past few weeks... an occasion where words just ran out of my mouth before I even thought them and then I recognized them as True...
Things have been kinda eventful here lately.. the biggest being the common comedy of errors that leads to well-over-stressed-ness. Here's the "for instance":
Let's start with degenerating health of a beloved family member, maybe my husband's mother, my children's grandmother. Let's add that a specific event occurs, like say a stroke. Let's throw in the complication that my husband's phone does not actually ring, so his family does not get a hold of him for over 24 hours after the event occurs. Let's further postulate that my husband is somewhat Asperger's himself and cannot go to check on her at the drop of a hat, his mind MUST wait for a weekend to go through the process. Now let's throw in that we think he should make that visit by himself because we are not sure how to help our Asperger's son cope with the changes to be found at that household because we are not sure what the changes actually are, so the children will stay home with me while he goes to visit.
All of this sounds complicated enough, but let's not stop there...
What if after his departure a large storm rolled through and we lost power, for like 3-5 days? You know, the kind that means no water for days on end, and ALL the food in the fridge & freezer is garbage... naturally I would not want him to feel like I or the kids was stealing time form his needed presence with an ailing mother and siblings who may need him. I would want to solve the problem to spare him the necessity of running home...
So I acquisition a generator, and find friends to keep food, and take showers at work...
Because my head says:
I don't need a damn hero.
And I didn't. I DID take care of the major problems. We were not hungry or dirty, just highly inconvenienced.
And I realized that THAT is what pissed me off - I do NOT need some hero to run in and assume my incompetence, to swoop over and patronize me with unsolicited help, to create a situation in which I am forced to repay with admiration. THAT is what pissed me off about my husband YEARS ago...
11 years ago, to be exact. September 11, 2001. I worked in a small Catholic school on Capitol Hill, in Washington DC. My husband worked on the other side of the city, in the more "uptown" side closer to Virginia, WHERE WE LIVED. I found out hours afterward what happened, I assumed that he would just go home, get himself safe, and I would stay and take care of my students with out having to worry about him. Surely THAT is what any logical person would have done.. but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My husband decided to walk across the damn city, immediately past the Washington Monument, the White House, the Capitol - 3 OBVIOUS TARGETS - and came to "get" me. The damn man came for me! He saddled me with the burden, the guilt, of HIS potential death/ injury in his effort to love me while I had a class full of kids to worry about! I was MAD!!
And now I understand why.. 'cuz I didn't for a long time. I felt VERY small for a long time, like I was unworthy of his sacrifice to endanger himself, like I was ungrateful for his bravery, like what made total sense to me was just idiocy...
But that's it. I am NOT an idiot.
I do not NEED a damn hero.
So I thought - WHY do I not need a damn hero?
Because women who wait around for heroes are women who are waiting around to be victims.
As soon as I heard my self say it to a friend I KNEW it to be True. It was a conversation immediately following the "hypothetical" situation described at opening here, a conversation about why I do NOT want my daughter to think she is a Disney Princess and has to wait around for some Prince to come solve her universe, why she needs to not be focused on who her "boyfriend" is at 5 years old... because women who are sitting around waiting for Princes, perceive themselves as being incapable of meeting their own needs. And as soon an some schmuck shows up and pretends to be the Prince, she will walk away with him just because she is supposed to - NOT because she wants to. A woman who is waiting for a hero already walks into a relationship expecting to be outdone, to be a lesser rather than an equal - after all who could match a Hero?
umm,... another hero? I am my OWN hero... a MATCH for what ever hero walks in my path, an equal, capable of solving problems, of fixing things, of saving the damn day, thank you very much. I will share in the glory, but I will NOT grovel. It is one thing to acknowledge genuine assistance, another to just wait, not even making the attempt.
I was relaying all this great insight to my mother last month, as we were driving, of course, so the kids heard from the backseat. (I was somewhat less emphatic with my language.) And my Asperger's son says:
But mom, don't you want a hero? Don't you want someone to catch you?
Well, yes, of course. Who does NOT want to be caught and cushioned. But that is NOT how the real world works, especially for moms. Kids, husbands, they are all just looking for a soft place to fall, for a big bosom to hide in and feel cozy. Where do moms get that? Who was there to "catch" me when my body pushed the watermelon out the lemon sized hole? Who was there to "catch" me when my infant quit breathing? Who was there to "catch" me when poop and pee and rotten milk stunk up my carpets and hair? Who was there to "catch" me as I watched my toddler lose the ability to speak? Who was there to "catch" me when he later got the Horrific Rash and couldn't eat or walk? Who went to the IEP meetings, and doctor appointments, and SEAC meetings, and spoke with the advocates, and the weekly therapy? Who is "catching" me when I look ahead and know that the appointments and advocacy and teaching will never stop?
I caught me!!!! I fell down, sure, and at different times different friends and family have helped me carry my load, and they still do, and they always will. That's what makes them friends and family. But they don't "fix " the problems, or "make it all better".
A REAL hero is the person who gets back up after they fall down, not the person waiting for the hand up.
I'll always take a hand up, but I am NOT gonna sit around and wait for it. I am my OWN hero, I will find solutions. I will get back up, no matter how many times I fall down. I will look for new routes to avoid holes I have fallen in before. I will offer help to those round me when I can, and accept it in return. But I will NOT sit around and WAIT for anyone or anything to just step in and redefine my reality so it "fits" into their story better.
I will not be a victim to someone else's timeline or personal politics. I will not step forward every day assuming I am not powerful enough to match everybody else's heroics.
I will be happy to co-author the world that I meet - but I will not sit meekly by while anyone else waltzes in and rewrites my part. There is only ONE playwright - and HE creates ALL of us in His image, ALL of us with God-like powers, and EACH of us to our own script.
I expect each of my children to be Heroes. I expect every person I meet to be a Hero. Because I am too.
Things have been kinda eventful here lately.. the biggest being the common comedy of errors that leads to well-over-stressed-ness. Here's the "for instance":
Let's start with degenerating health of a beloved family member, maybe my husband's mother, my children's grandmother. Let's add that a specific event occurs, like say a stroke. Let's throw in the complication that my husband's phone does not actually ring, so his family does not get a hold of him for over 24 hours after the event occurs. Let's further postulate that my husband is somewhat Asperger's himself and cannot go to check on her at the drop of a hat, his mind MUST wait for a weekend to go through the process. Now let's throw in that we think he should make that visit by himself because we are not sure how to help our Asperger's son cope with the changes to be found at that household because we are not sure what the changes actually are, so the children will stay home with me while he goes to visit.
All of this sounds complicated enough, but let's not stop there...
What if after his departure a large storm rolled through and we lost power, for like 3-5 days? You know, the kind that means no water for days on end, and ALL the food in the fridge & freezer is garbage... naturally I would not want him to feel like I or the kids was stealing time form his needed presence with an ailing mother and siblings who may need him. I would want to solve the problem to spare him the necessity of running home...
So I acquisition a generator, and find friends to keep food, and take showers at work...
Because my head says:
I don't need a damn hero.
And I didn't. I DID take care of the major problems. We were not hungry or dirty, just highly inconvenienced.
And I realized that THAT is what pissed me off - I do NOT need some hero to run in and assume my incompetence, to swoop over and patronize me with unsolicited help, to create a situation in which I am forced to repay with admiration. THAT is what pissed me off about my husband YEARS ago...
11 years ago, to be exact. September 11, 2001. I worked in a small Catholic school on Capitol Hill, in Washington DC. My husband worked on the other side of the city, in the more "uptown" side closer to Virginia, WHERE WE LIVED. I found out hours afterward what happened, I assumed that he would just go home, get himself safe, and I would stay and take care of my students with out having to worry about him. Surely THAT is what any logical person would have done.. but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My husband decided to walk across the damn city, immediately past the Washington Monument, the White House, the Capitol - 3 OBVIOUS TARGETS - and came to "get" me. The damn man came for me! He saddled me with the burden, the guilt, of HIS potential death/ injury in his effort to love me while I had a class full of kids to worry about! I was MAD!!
And now I understand why.. 'cuz I didn't for a long time. I felt VERY small for a long time, like I was unworthy of his sacrifice to endanger himself, like I was ungrateful for his bravery, like what made total sense to me was just idiocy...
But that's it. I am NOT an idiot.
I do not NEED a damn hero.
So I thought - WHY do I not need a damn hero?
Because women who wait around for heroes are women who are waiting around to be victims.
As soon as I heard my self say it to a friend I KNEW it to be True. It was a conversation immediately following the "hypothetical" situation described at opening here, a conversation about why I do NOT want my daughter to think she is a Disney Princess and has to wait around for some Prince to come solve her universe, why she needs to not be focused on who her "boyfriend" is at 5 years old... because women who are sitting around waiting for Princes, perceive themselves as being incapable of meeting their own needs. And as soon an some schmuck shows up and pretends to be the Prince, she will walk away with him just because she is supposed to - NOT because she wants to. A woman who is waiting for a hero already walks into a relationship expecting to be outdone, to be a lesser rather than an equal - after all who could match a Hero?
umm,... another hero? I am my OWN hero... a MATCH for what ever hero walks in my path, an equal, capable of solving problems, of fixing things, of saving the damn day, thank you very much. I will share in the glory, but I will NOT grovel. It is one thing to acknowledge genuine assistance, another to just wait, not even making the attempt.
I was relaying all this great insight to my mother last month, as we were driving, of course, so the kids heard from the backseat. (I was somewhat less emphatic with my language.) And my Asperger's son says:
But mom, don't you want a hero? Don't you want someone to catch you?
Well, yes, of course. Who does NOT want to be caught and cushioned. But that is NOT how the real world works, especially for moms. Kids, husbands, they are all just looking for a soft place to fall, for a big bosom to hide in and feel cozy. Where do moms get that? Who was there to "catch" me when my body pushed the watermelon out the lemon sized hole? Who was there to "catch" me when my infant quit breathing? Who was there to "catch" me when poop and pee and rotten milk stunk up my carpets and hair? Who was there to "catch" me as I watched my toddler lose the ability to speak? Who was there to "catch" me when he later got the Horrific Rash and couldn't eat or walk? Who went to the IEP meetings, and doctor appointments, and SEAC meetings, and spoke with the advocates, and the weekly therapy? Who is "catching" me when I look ahead and know that the appointments and advocacy and teaching will never stop?
I caught me!!!! I fell down, sure, and at different times different friends and family have helped me carry my load, and they still do, and they always will. That's what makes them friends and family. But they don't "fix " the problems, or "make it all better".
A REAL hero is the person who gets back up after they fall down, not the person waiting for the hand up.
I'll always take a hand up, but I am NOT gonna sit around and wait for it. I am my OWN hero, I will find solutions. I will get back up, no matter how many times I fall down. I will look for new routes to avoid holes I have fallen in before. I will offer help to those round me when I can, and accept it in return. But I will NOT sit around and WAIT for anyone or anything to just step in and redefine my reality so it "fits" into their story better.
I will not be a victim to someone else's timeline or personal politics. I will not step forward every day assuming I am not powerful enough to match everybody else's heroics.
I will be happy to co-author the world that I meet - but I will not sit meekly by while anyone else waltzes in and rewrites my part. There is only ONE playwright - and HE creates ALL of us in His image, ALL of us with God-like powers, and EACH of us to our own script.
I expect each of my children to be Heroes. I expect every person I meet to be a Hero. Because I am too.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Adequate?!?
So, like many parents of ASD kids, I have reached out to the internet parent support communities who seem to understand what we are better than the people we live with and near. One such site engendered a discussion about IEP's and how to help the educators see the value of particular supports and get schools to provide them. Specifically, since I have one diagnosed Aspie, the discussion was about social supports for Asperger's students. It seems pretty clear on most of the support sites that many parents are having trouble helping the educational community take the leap from state mandated socialization to applying specific supports for specific students.
Obviously that statement makes my stance on the socialization of schools pretty clear, but some background would be useful context for you. I was born in California , the southern, sunny part, but my parents are both from Tennessee , the eastern, Appalachia part. My father spent 30+ years as a public servant for the people of Los Angeles , and my mother spent 20+ teaching in Orange County Southern CA individualism and Southern "breeding". My experiences of being with my family in Appalachia directly belied what I saw in California
As high school passed, especially as honors and Advanced Placement (AP) English classes became literature classes, it was clear that the material we were being given was designed for one purpose. The curriculum we were forced to regurgitate in class was about "honoring" ethnic "diversity" - and belittling American history. Now it is possible that I had a set of teachers who were small minded, but as an adult who's been in the classroom, I am willing to bet they were teaching what they were required to. It became crystal clear to me when we studied Mark Twain's works. Having been in redneck trailer parks and generations old family cemeteries and knowing 2 grandfathers who worked on the atomic bomb (one a chemist, the other in a foundry), I recognized the patterns of speech & behavior Twain described, both as an accurate description of a dying culture, of the legacy of the War Between the States, and as a mirror in which to evaluate the base values that drive American culture. That is NOT what was taught in class though. The teacher impugned the integrity of Twain by forcing us to recognize the works as disgusting testaments to Southern depravity. Granted, I was young, but I felt very wronged. Further, there was a movement in history classes to villanize the atomic bomb that ended WWII (the movement that started the counter resurgence that named the WWII generation "the Greatest Generation"), and I had family members who spoke to a different reality.
As my education continued, I learned more about educational psychology and history, gained experience teaching in public, private and parochial schools, in inner cities (Washington DC) and rural moneyed areas (Boyce, VA). The shadow of "political correctness" is vast, and permeates every word that is taught in every classroom, for the purpose of shaping the minds of our youth so that we can apply our newest program to "create a better future through our children" - in other words we keep experimenting on them in an effort to make them "avoid our pitfalls" or "erase our prejudices". The very basis for modern American education is about instilling (forcing) "middle-class" mores & values on immigrant children (the Jane Addams Hull House of Chicago creating the precedent), an effort to organize and quell the threat of unsupervised children roaming the streets (labor laws took them out of the mills & factories, but all adults in a household had to work long days to earn a living... hmm, sound familiar? And whether the "threat" was perceived or real?... Well, I wouldn't want roving bands of teenage boys in the streets today either - they are most often "profiled" by police as "trouble-makers" for a reason - so gather them up, make them learn - after all it will improve the economy because they will all be able to read, follow directions, and everyone will know the base/ core values & history of America - create a common culture when the country was overwhelmed by ethnic diversity - hmm...) My conclusion: American Education is about socialization, as in: socialist socialization that subverts diversity in the effort to "create" unity.
So in comes my Asperger's kid. Well, the diagnosis itself is based on him being socially inept, since to be Asperger's you have to have at least "normal" IQ and communication abilities, not to mention the "comorbid" peculiarities manifesting as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). WOW... that's a kid who will not be easily fitting into the socialist efforts of standard educational practices! And we have misled kids for tooooooo long. We have let kids think that high school will be the "best years of their lives" and that "being cool" is acceptable, instead of being responsible. We have created a culture that separates us from our children, and teaches them that they have to accept the dictatorship of the teacher (I am not accusing here, I have done the same myself) and then create an unsupervised culture amongst themselves (at recess, at lunch). And you betchya! - my Aspie received horrendous bullying, in 1st grade, ostracized at the cafeteria table every meal for at least 3 months (2x/ day), until finally hitting back, in an effort to stop the harassment. I have been "warrior parenting" for 3 years, since my child was 3 years old and the neurologist told us that there would be problems on the playground, that social isolation that would change the diagnosis from PDD-NOS to Asperger's. I researched, I read, I talked around, I offered tips for activities, I asked for specific accommodations, I called or emailed or showed up at school every other week. We got a prescription/ recommendation for socialization supports from a university pediatrician. IEP meetings always ended with social support "not being necessary".
SO here's where the question of ADEQUACY comes in. In order to cover their butts, the educational laws are written so that ANY medical information is only to be "considered", not in ANY way binding to the school. The schools have created laws that clearly state that what is "educationally" necessary is NOT what is "medically" necessary. Because the public system cannot possibly meet all the variations it will meet in a public, inclusive population, they have to be sure the laws are written so that they do NOT HAVE TO meet anyone's specific needs, they just have to TRY. So if they can document that the most measly effort was conducted, then their butts are covered, they have followed the letter of the law, they did something, even if it wasn't the best thing for that kid; 'cuz they are not there to help each kid, they are there to subjugate the masses. So every parent strives to create a best, improved future for their child, as God intended us to, but the system we have created to support us only has to be "adequate".
The specific advice I read on a support site regarding socialization supports urged parents to be sure to only ask for "adequate" supports in order to get the school system to cooperate with you.
Yet, our school argued with us in IEP and eligibility meetings that they did not NEED to provide social supports because his "ACADEMICS" were not affected. So being in in-school-suspension one day a month is not affecting his academics?! So even though "social deficits" are diagnostic criteria for "high functioning autism"/ Asperger's, they are irrelevant to discussion in how to help him succeed?! There is no recourse for us, except to continue negotiating with the people who have failed him for 3 years already? Just because my child has a label that makes it easier for them to even try to help the problem does not mean that he is the ONLY student with a problem. When the sped kids are set up to fail, ALL the kids are set up to fail... sped kids are just the "easy" targets for bullies - every kid in that school sees clearly EVERY DAY that personal value and difference is punished, that the best they can hope for is to be "just enough" - mediocre.
ADEQUATE?! That is a ludicrous word. OF COURSE PARENTS ARE NOT GOING TO SETTLE FOR ADEQUATE! Is there any other business in the world that keeps itself going by striving to be ADEQUATE?... The educational system as a whole continues to settle for adequacy and mediocrity in every child they serve, not just sped kids, and then businesses are having to reinvest in training on basic courtesy (customer service skills) and communication (inventory, money handling, etc.). Just look into the training for ANY retail job. When you go to work, does your boss expect you to just be adequate? Or is the reality that in today's collapsing economy that excellence secures your position? That you are trying to make yourself indispensible to the company?
When we stop short changing ALL the kids?
When we start expecting EXCELLENCE, Personal excellence?
"Adequate" is NOT enough, for me personally or for society, or for my kids. How much pride can one possibly take in one's self if the pinnacle of achievement is mediocrity?
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