feeling in a funk

These are the kinds of times I do NOT want to write out, to remember - but I think it is important that I be able to look at this place a year from now and see the change...

I am feeling like I am in a transition.  I am in a pretty deep funk, keep looking into who I am and what I am doing - keep trying to lay fingers on a good reason to feel as "off" as I do... and there aren't any, really.  There are lots and lots of little things, things I should be OK with, thinngs I have overcome before, but I just seem stuck on them now.

There is the potential for transition coming, though I know it will be incremental - not a big deal in the short term.  I am internalizing all kinds of pressure about it (have been for 3 months) - but it has to do with a much larger political situation at work, with many many fingers in the pie, and lots of hoops, and details beyond the scope of my ability to control.  I know that all the players are good people, that everyone has everyone else's best interests at heart, and that we are all committed to the growth of our organization.  Truthfully, there is nothing to do but wait while everything gets sorted out.  Realistically, no one will get exactly what they are wishing for out of this - not only will we all have to compromise, but there simply are not enough resources available to do it all.  The people who are making decisions are deeply knowledgeable and insightful.  It really will all be better than OK.  Perhaps I am being impatient...

So the problem must be me?  Several coworkers & friends have identified "chips on my shoulders", resentment, and my flaws lately.  Am I just not working on me hard enough right now?  Is it the shortening days - depression setting in, lowering my frustration threshold?  Should I be working harder on self-improvement?  I feel like I have invested a LOT of effort in me this year.  I am losing weight, I am exploring my goals, I am making time for myself to play, I have actively worked to build my confidence and lose a victim mentality.  I am really trying to not just stand in a place where I can look at my history and know it shaped me, but look ahead and aim for where it will take me - to not just "let" life happen, but to "make" life happen.  And I have tried to do so as healthily as possible - by focusing my passionate nature on every minute I am in, living fully.  I feel like I had been doing a pretty good job all summer, but in the past month doubt resurfaces more often.

I keep returning to a place where I am an embarrassment to others.  And there are a few small events that have brought that out this month, but no appalling moments of social ineptitude like my past has seen.  I have not hurt anyone's feelings or broken an unspoken rule - yet every day I am haunted that there is some thing I have done that I do not even know about that is bringing people to judge me in an unfavorable way.  I have not been this undermined with doubt for a while...

My friends have continued to reach out to me, to help me feel loved.  They have bragged on me to others, asked me to train and lead.  My husband has been kind and loving.  My children have written me letters while they are away.  I am connecting with students meaningfully on the challenge course.  I am doing what I am supposed to, seeking loving presences, and fulfilling my responsibilities.  And I do truly see and appreciate how much love is sent my way, in a genuine way I know I did not feel when I was younger...

The only thing I feel I need to do better on in the moment is housekeeping - nesting.  I am doing lots of art nesting (which I normally do in the fall) - but my fear of spiders is just totally impeding me from cleaning - as well as the knowledge that in 1 week my children will return and it will all be for naught.  I have been living with myself as a bad housekeeper for years - why is is bothering me now?

I am thinking I just need to chalk it up to the winter depression - the lack of light.  All I really want to do is go back to sleep, sleep as long as possible, and wake up when it is time to play outside again...

I am trying desperately to hide from my own head.  I want to turn my thinking off for a while...