On suicide and regrets...

Post been going around: The Things We Do Not Say
[To provide context, the autism community is reeling with several suicide-murder attempts by parents of autistic children in the past weeks.  It has ignited much discussion over resources and how difficult autism really is, and responses from Autistic adults of how dehumanized these events and discussions make them feel.] 

My response:
Thank you.  You have found expression for what I have wanted to say.  To ignore the jealousy (of others's abilities) or the grief (over things you'll never have) is to ignore the very humanity of it [the experience of being disabled, of being human].  "Normal" people have struggled with these [emotions] for eons - as testified to in literature in all languages.  Is it any sin that those who find themselves "outside the circle" know it and wish differently?  I recognize that if my child was someone else [not disabled], we would just have different battles to face, other strengths and weaknesses and abilities to conquer and support.  I recognize that the richness of their life is determined by their challenges - but I'm not going to pretend that I don't like the challenges we got. To do so would minimize them, and minimize their struggle.  I will sorrow with them, and find strength with them, because THAT is what living is about...

I have really been arguing with myself about acceptance and therapy and compensation skills and guilt and what parts of me and my autistic kid and my willful kid and my husband are OK to live with, and what aren't.  Some Autistic adults are talking about how evil and hurtful therapy is.  How far are we supposed to bend to "socially acceptable", and how much are we just supposed to live with (accept)?

We (our family) have come up with the mantra: You can be mad, but you can't be mean.

As I have said before, part of the autism journey (for us) is seeing that we ARE like that too, remembering our own experiences of isolation and weirdness and sensory odd and uncontrollable outbursts...  It is only now, as we watch our children struggle that my husband and I are seeing roads to control these things in ourselves - alternate routes, if you will - driven by our need to equip our children to be "better".

I struggle with my self.  What am I worth? How odd am I? Where is "crazy"?  Where is "still ok"? What IS it that makes me strong?  What kind of strength am I supposed to have?  When do I give up? Why can't I seem to see what others see?  Why do things seem so hard for me that are simple to others?  How come I just don't "see" the same "sense" that others do?  Why do I do things that frustrate me and others?  How much of an abrasive personality is forgivable?  When am I supposed to stand up for myself?  When am I supposed to bow to the needs of others?  Who does value me?  What do they value me for?  Why do I care?  When will I see my own worth?  How do I find that value?  Are my thorns bigger than my roses?  Is my rose awesome enough to outshine all these thorns?  Why can't I be like the other people I see? 

I wish I was as self confident as...  
I wish I had the motivation of...  
I wish I could put the pieces together like... 
I wish I could just stop...
I wish I could just start... 
I wish I had the resources of...
I wish that wasn't scary to me...
I wish my body would do that...
I wish someone loved me like that...
I wish chocolate really was a vegetable...

I just wish things were different...

But, they aren't.  

I will have to live with whatever is dealt.  And I have to do it in a way that will uphold the principles I expect of myself and the responsibilities I have to others.  

In other words, I need to FIND a way to respect myself at the end of the day (or at least the end of the week).

Denying that I feel jealousy or confusion or grief will NOT help me find that respect.  Yes, I have to accept that I have flaws, and that those around me have flaws, and that my situation has flaws.  And I have decided (based on years of talking to people and reading lots of stuff) that every one, every life, every path, every being,  has $h!% happen.  All of my wishful thinking will not escape these feelings, just change the context, the details...

I have to find a way to genuinely assess (which is almost always done by comparison) that which I DO have, and then find a way to make it fit into what opens to me (finding successes through the regrets and wishes and if only). 

I have faced those demons, that place where I am convinced that I have no value, that my efforts are in vain, that effecting positive change around me is simply out of my ability, that I have outlived my usefulness... I have looked at the choice to commit suicide, more than once.  I have even made the effort more than once.  I am confident that I will consider how my death will improve the world around me again.  I am confident that I will be totally and completely overwhelmed with my failings, disappointed with my inability to meet my own expectations, again.  I will fight the demons again.

My autistic son, of just 8 years has already expressed this same sentiment.  It is terrifying to hear a 7 year old explain to you why suicide is an intelligent alternative.  He says to me what my own heart has said before.  We actually fought about it last week, again.  His behavior did not met what I needed of him... he was overwhelmed with disappointment in himself, and he reprimanded me for stopping him from attempting to drown himself.

I am sure he wishes he was someone else, something else, somehow better able to meet my expectations.  Will the world now say that it is my fault for having such "unreasonable" expectations of him?  Did I not "accept" him enough?  Or is it not my task, as a parent, to show him where the lines of acceptability are?  Don't I need to label and practice with him at home those skills he will need outside the home? - like resourcefulness, and hard work, and dedication?  

He may have to fight to own these skills in some arenas, even though his obsessive drive will make them a non issue in others... I know.

And it is only through open, genuine expression, and experience, of all the richness of human emotions that I will be able to face those demons with self-respect, to say to them that lows come with highs, and that comparison always has two sides, and that success in one place IS transferable to another (Aspie trait again!).

And I have to know that I am NOT ALONE.  Just as my son needs to KNOW he is not alone!  People, both like him and completely different from him have been experiencing these same feelings for EVER... and they will continue to do so.  I hope many keep saying What Should Not Be Said... so that we can find connections instead of deny them.