My place in time...

This is for me, about the things I know, but it is also for my friends...

I have reached the conclusion that time is a human construct, not a divine construct.  For God, for infinite Divine Power, time is fluid.  I think it is our ability to hold on to time that makes us "God-like", "in His image"... we can conjure up memories and get lost in them with just the strength of our will.  We can choose to live in the past or the future, not just the present... we are able to be fluid through time.

So much of my study/ personal growth lately has focused on living "in the moment", in the "right now!"... finding ways to connect to what exists before me, with me, in me.  And I am getting better at it.  I am really able to acknowledge love and beauty in better ways than I have ever been able to in my life. I want to keep working in that direction.

At the same time, I have often felt like I can see "ribbons" of time attached to people, places and events.  It is as if there is a tapestry being woven and the threads (ribbons) weave a complex and beautiful whole that is both eternal and momentary.  There are people who I meet, know and can "see" them through time.  It is as if I have known them when they were young, in their prime, and when they are wise in experience.  There are other people who I do not "see through time" but they keep showing up "on my timeline", their ribbon, though I cannot follow it, continues to interweave with mine.  I am deeply appreciative of both, desperately curious to see how they come together, and honestly in love with all of them.

The past couple days I have been really reflective of where I specifically am in time.  I know I am approaching a transition, though I am unclear on the particulars, so I am assessing my position.  

Several of my friends also seem to be assessing.  One friend younger than I am posted a question on the importance of his college degree this week - and lots of his age peers supported his concern.  One friend younger than I had a long heartfelt conversation about personal direction and leaving home.  Many of my staff are starting or finishing college, and there is lots of tension about direction and making good decisions. There is also lots of pressure to be sure there are no "lost opportunities".  I remember that pressure.  As I looked to my experience to help inform theirs, I realized that mine was shaped with an unexpected and unusual physical disability (surgery on both knees).  The lesson was to hold on to what I needed and work through the challenges.  I could not have predicted how that played out, but I was driven to achieve the pieces I needed... the associations and events that still link to where I am today (scouts, foreign travel, my university, needle arts, family, the mountains...)

As I have looked to the friends and family I have re-encountered, I know that I could not have predicted where they are either.  In the last year, several have divorced, but i discovered others have never married (though I would have expected them to).  Girls (now women) I was in scouting with for years, who I knew in deeply emotionally intimate ways, who I grew up with, are not in places/ situations that I could have possibly predicted!  While a base essence of them is constant, still there, the specific manifestation of that is unexpected.  The deeply religious girly girl became a member of the National Guard, and is now a foster parent.  The life of the party (she led every late night sing-along) is a special education teacher with 2 beautiful children.  A boy (now man) I went to elementary school with is a well traveled missionary, who has rebuilt the organ in the Crystal Catherdral.  From my circle of "high school posse" we are all over the nation, living with parents, struggling with special needs children, finding new ways to connect with our spirituality, advocating in our communities, and just trying to get by...  Of my cousins - we are all over the country, still getting our educations, touching lives in academic and military endeavors, dealing with cancer and tragic accidents, trying to equip our kids with the best tools we can, and just trying to get by...

As I look at me, I am overwhelmed with realities that I never expected.  I grew up driving L.A. freeways, I never expected to spend my life exploring scenic by ways.  I loved camping and scouting, but overlooked its power because it was so constant in my life.  Only after the dysfunction of my body "took" those activities away from me did I understand - and I make a living doing them despite the limitations of my body.  I expected to be a mom, but never ever a teacher.  And I certainly could not have possibly imagined being an autism parent, and the amazing journey it has led me on.  I knew I would seek knowledge all my days, but never imagined that I would learn to honor experience over "book learning"/ academic rigor.  If someone had told me 20 years ago that I would be living in these blessed mountains, homeschooling, or working at a camp, I would NEVER have believed them.  I would never have believed someone if they had told me I would miss authentic Mexican food.  It would been beyond my realm of reality.  I ask you to take a good look at you, but do not believe for one second that it in any way represents all that you will be!

More importantly, I would not have believed that I could be in such a rich emotional place - that I would have a job where my co workers are my friends, that I could be so in love with my coworkers that they are my family.  I would never have believed that I could be surrounded by people who accept me, people who are not just tolerating me, but loving me, growing me... I COULD NEVER HAVE BELIEVED THAT I WOULD BE EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE!  Because, "back then", I was so emotionally invested in the struggle, in the transition, that I couldn't imagine the destination.  I was too busy looking for answers that I didn't see people. 

And this is what I want to say to all my friends, to everyone who is transitioning RIGHT NOW: It's OK.  You will not be able to imagine the destination.  You will not be able to see where this is heading.  Unexpected diversions will come up, and they are not "missed opportunities"!  They are the windows and doors that will lead you to exactly where you are supposed to be, exactly where you need to be.  DO NOT BE AFRAID!  There will be angels and friends and loving people there, both along the path and at the destination.  You are right - you will be sad sometimes, and frustrated sometimes, confused many times, and doors will close.  But your confusion will pass, even if you choose to stand in front of that closed door, some one or some thing will come along and drag you through a different one (the secret is to listen to invitations so they don't have to drag you).  The essence of you, the Gift that God made you to be, the Good that you are created to do will fight its way out, some paths will become clear, patience will be rewarded... and all those other idioms of happiness really do happen!  

If you are not sure where to go next: LOVE PEOPLE, it is the most important thing you can do!  In acts of love paths become crystal clear - you will know exactly what you have to hold on to and let go of.

I will say that the confusion does not ever TOTALLY disappear.  My mother told me when I was 18 that I would never feel older than I did right then.  Her exact words were that I would gain knowledge, information, but I would never feel more prepared to make decisions than I did right then.  A good friend repeated that sentiment to me this week - saying he felt like he was still making the decisions of a 17 year old even though he was in his 20's.  I have to say, I remember feeling that way right through my 20's... but I also have to say that some things did become clear, some decisions were easy, with no clouds of doubt.  There were times I looked at a person, a place, an event and knew immediately what I needed to do.  Many of them were not even conscious decisions - I just acted... because my heart knew it needed to, my soul just led me, I just "went there".  Follow THAT.

And while I feel like (and hope) that I have gained wisdom, there are still choices that I struggle with, decisions I am afraid to make because I fear the long term ramifications, still pieces of me that I feel like I should know better.  I still get frustrated with waiting for things to play out, and doors to open, I still find regrets on how I could have touched a life better, or beat myself up for not doing a better job.  I try now to look for a lesson, not just be sad...

And as I wrote this, it became clear my soul is "going there" again.  These words are for me too - to remind me to let the destination go, because I can't see the destination anyhow.  I have been living in a fearful transition for 2 months now, but I also have some things I know I need to do, some places I know I need to go.   I have people I KNOW I LOVE, and it is time to look at what is clear instead of trying to peer through the obscure mists. 

The doors that open are the ones you are supposed to walk through.  You exist exactly where you need to, when you need to.  Love, Good, angels, surround you right now!  Go kiss 'em!  Live Love as an active verb!

On suicide and regrets...

Post been going around: The Things We Do Not Say
[To provide context, the autism community is reeling with several suicide-murder attempts by parents of autistic children in the past weeks.  It has ignited much discussion over resources and how difficult autism really is, and responses from Autistic adults of how dehumanized these events and discussions make them feel.] 

My response:
Thank you.  You have found expression for what I have wanted to say.  To ignore the jealousy (of others's abilities) or the grief (over things you'll never have) is to ignore the very humanity of it [the experience of being disabled, of being human].  "Normal" people have struggled with these [emotions] for eons - as testified to in literature in all languages.  Is it any sin that those who find themselves "outside the circle" know it and wish differently?  I recognize that if my child was someone else [not disabled], we would just have different battles to face, other strengths and weaknesses and abilities to conquer and support.  I recognize that the richness of their life is determined by their challenges - but I'm not going to pretend that I don't like the challenges we got. To do so would minimize them, and minimize their struggle.  I will sorrow with them, and find strength with them, because THAT is what living is about...

I have really been arguing with myself about acceptance and therapy and compensation skills and guilt and what parts of me and my autistic kid and my willful kid and my husband are OK to live with, and what aren't.  Some Autistic adults are talking about how evil and hurtful therapy is.  How far are we supposed to bend to "socially acceptable", and how much are we just supposed to live with (accept)?

We (our family) have come up with the mantra: You can be mad, but you can't be mean.

As I have said before, part of the autism journey (for us) is seeing that we ARE like that too, remembering our own experiences of isolation and weirdness and sensory odd and uncontrollable outbursts...  It is only now, as we watch our children struggle that my husband and I are seeing roads to control these things in ourselves - alternate routes, if you will - driven by our need to equip our children to be "better".

I struggle with my self.  What am I worth? How odd am I? Where is "crazy"?  Where is "still ok"? What IS it that makes me strong?  What kind of strength am I supposed to have?  When do I give up? Why can't I seem to see what others see?  Why do things seem so hard for me that are simple to others?  How come I just don't "see" the same "sense" that others do?  Why do I do things that frustrate me and others?  How much of an abrasive personality is forgivable?  When am I supposed to stand up for myself?  When am I supposed to bow to the needs of others?  Who does value me?  What do they value me for?  Why do I care?  When will I see my own worth?  How do I find that value?  Are my thorns bigger than my roses?  Is my rose awesome enough to outshine all these thorns?  Why can't I be like the other people I see? 

I wish I was as self confident as...  
I wish I had the motivation of...  
I wish I could put the pieces together like... 
I wish I could just stop...
I wish I could just start... 
I wish I had the resources of...
I wish that wasn't scary to me...
I wish my body would do that...
I wish someone loved me like that...
I wish chocolate really was a vegetable...

I just wish things were different...

But, they aren't.  

I will have to live with whatever is dealt.  And I have to do it in a way that will uphold the principles I expect of myself and the responsibilities I have to others.  

In other words, I need to FIND a way to respect myself at the end of the day (or at least the end of the week).

Denying that I feel jealousy or confusion or grief will NOT help me find that respect.  Yes, I have to accept that I have flaws, and that those around me have flaws, and that my situation has flaws.  And I have decided (based on years of talking to people and reading lots of stuff) that every one, every life, every path, every being,  has $h!% happen.  All of my wishful thinking will not escape these feelings, just change the context, the details...

I have to find a way to genuinely assess (which is almost always done by comparison) that which I DO have, and then find a way to make it fit into what opens to me (finding successes through the regrets and wishes and if only). 

I have faced those demons, that place where I am convinced that I have no value, that my efforts are in vain, that effecting positive change around me is simply out of my ability, that I have outlived my usefulness... I have looked at the choice to commit suicide, more than once.  I have even made the effort more than once.  I am confident that I will consider how my death will improve the world around me again.  I am confident that I will be totally and completely overwhelmed with my failings, disappointed with my inability to meet my own expectations, again.  I will fight the demons again.

My autistic son, of just 8 years has already expressed this same sentiment.  It is terrifying to hear a 7 year old explain to you why suicide is an intelligent alternative.  He says to me what my own heart has said before.  We actually fought about it last week, again.  His behavior did not met what I needed of him... he was overwhelmed with disappointment in himself, and he reprimanded me for stopping him from attempting to drown himself.

I am sure he wishes he was someone else, something else, somehow better able to meet my expectations.  Will the world now say that it is my fault for having such "unreasonable" expectations of him?  Did I not "accept" him enough?  Or is it not my task, as a parent, to show him where the lines of acceptability are?  Don't I need to label and practice with him at home those skills he will need outside the home? - like resourcefulness, and hard work, and dedication?  

He may have to fight to own these skills in some arenas, even though his obsessive drive will make them a non issue in others... I know.

And it is only through open, genuine expression, and experience, of all the richness of human emotions that I will be able to face those demons with self-respect, to say to them that lows come with highs, and that comparison always has two sides, and that success in one place IS transferable to another (Aspie trait again!).

And I have to know that I am NOT ALONE.  Just as my son needs to KNOW he is not alone!  People, both like him and completely different from him have been experiencing these same feelings for EVER... and they will continue to do so.  I hope many keep saying What Should Not Be Said... so that we can find connections instead of deny them.

St Patty's Day...

On this day of O'Ness... we have celebrated Irish culture with a discussion about the Holy Trinity symbolized by the Shamrock, whether or not leprechauns will tickle to the death, Guinness Stew & Colcannon...

And some BIG insights of the "Gift of Gab".

We awoke to pinching and tickling as we decided who had green "on" (my kiddo wasn't letting me get away with green nail polish, but he was naked, so he was on the defense...)  Then we settled into Irish traditions like the shamrock (being the Holy Trinity) and the kissing of the Blarney Stone.  After pretending to be a leprechaun for a little bit, we moved on the to Gift of Gab!

We talked about how we (the family) have the Gift in different ways.  For some the Gift of Gab has to do with Woo (from the Strengths Psychology - the idea that everyone is a friend  like a politician or salesman has) while for other the Gift of Gab is about story telling and dramatic narrative, but it can also be just having lots of detail and information to share, saying things n a way that people can understand, "words they can hear" so to speak...

my Aspie wandered off for a second, and then came back and said

"I don't know why the children at school said 'alert' every time I sat down to eat"


Ah - this has been haunting him a lot these few months, trying to come to grips with the bullying just before we started homeschooling, but he has not been so clear in his expression  declaration of the events or his concerns, and he was not agitated, but thoughtful.    Just yesterday we had discussed the Native American story in which the the elder tells the young brave that there are 2 wolves in each of us, Love and Fear; the one you feed is the one that "wins".  He had tried to show me he was "feeding" his Fear Wolf by looking for things to break. Time to think carefully, Mom.

"Well, I think that some of them thought that it really was a joke.  A____ clearly did it as a joke, but X____ clearly did it to be mean.  You knew that.  That's why you hit X____."

"But I was the one who was mean! I hit X____!  I was supposed to tell a trusted friend!"  NOW he's agitated! the high pitched screech, the shaking...

"Yes, that was mean, but X____ was mean first, so we know you had a reason to be mad. 
And you could have used your gift of gab. You could have looked at X____ and said 'Don't say that to me!'  You could have said to X____ 'Please stop, it is NOT funny.'"

A HUGE, deep genuine smile beamed across his face, his eyes continued to look far away, his body got still, and he slowly, quietly said, "yeah...."

Then he moved in for a cuddle.

I think this indicates that he forgave himself, and I am sooooo thankful!

Then he said, "I could use my Gift of Gab to come up behind them ,and then"

I interrupted him, "God loves you just as much as he loves those other kids.  The Gift of Gab can also be called self advocacy.  You have the ability to tell them that they should be nice to you, to please stop, and to go tell an adult. The more you talk, use your gift of gab, the more you be a friend, the more they can see your Love Wolf, the less they can hurt you"

He just kept beaming that smile, and his body was stayed STILL, and he muttered "yeah"...

I watched that smile, and for the first time in 2 years, I started thinking, "he'll be OK to go back to school.  He will be able to tell them to treat him with respect and not feel forced to act out"

If only we kind find adults he can trust. He did NOT say that he should have told a "trusted adult"....  

We have told him before that part of the reason we homeschooled is because we don't feel like the adults at the school were doing their best job to protect any of the children from bullying, but he has carried guilt about how he was bad, and how he had hurt others...  

And he is right to feel bad, but only within the context of forgiveness.  

And it is the Gift of Gab, that thing that pushes us and allows us to communicate with others, that will help us build forgiveness...  we have been discussing all this in different terms for over a year, and only now seem to have hit on the vocabulary that enables forgiveness...

I will readily admit that a lack of verbal skills/ ability would be a significant "handicap" in using your Gift of Gab - but I have studied abroad (just can't meet the vocabulary), and struggled with strange cultures (learning about new families, moving across the country), and communication is NOT always about words.  (usually it's about food when words can't be found - wink wink)

Genuine, True Friendliness is clear across whatever barriers.  If that Woo is there, that drive to connect, that faith that there are no strangers, only friends not yet made - then connection will occur!  But you have to be OPEN to it - because the format can be surprising.  I think this is the essence of the "intuition", the "collective consciousness" that psychics are talking about... the unconditional love, the magic moments, new awareness that Autism brings...

Maybe the Gift of Gab isn't about words... maybe it's about self advocacy.  Maybe it's about acknowledging the magic/ divine in you as much as you do in others... maybe it is about finally being brave enough to love yourself as you love others, not just love your neighbors as yourselves... expecting miscommunication and misunderstanding is part of the process, but it seems like that faith in humanity is part of it too.  

I have worked from the time my children were infants to help them believe the world is their Friend, to automatically assume the best of people. Apparently It is working?

On the Power of Apology...

This is going to be VERY long and detailed, because I have no other way to say to it.  My coping mechanism is finding context, so I build it...

A week or so ago, a page I follow on FB that is run by an autistic adult [a population who has been telling parents to start "passing the mike" instead of misrepresenting them] posted a picture/ explanation of meltdowns.  As I understand it, the author's point is that she seldom addresses meltdowns because they can be avoided (for the most part) with appropriate thoughtfulness ahead of time (accomodations, self-advocacy).  I TOTALLY agree on that point.  Ultimately we all face the task of helping the people around us perceive our "rose" as worth our "thorns" - of making people comfortable with our weirdness because we can show them our gifts.  My life has brought me to places that labeled my strengths, to people who valued my abilities, to conditions that enabled me to work well and synthesize my experiences.  I find that I am less defensive about my "thorns" because I can help others "smell my roses".  The language of "sensory processing" has been my most effective tool - allowing me to legitimate my needs and differences - as well as those of the people around me.  It has enabled me to label and use those strategies that "make it not personal"...

I believe that was the point the author was trying to make - that lashing out/ the melt down is NOT personal.

BUT - does that absolve the person having the meltdown of responsibility for their actions?

The advice (as I read it) was to ignore them, to completely disregard and dismiss them.  This is, ultimately, the same advice given to parents by all elders - ignore the behavior so that we only reinforce "good" behaviors, the ones you want the child to practice.  If you only offer positive reinforcement (NOT negative) then the child is more likely to demonstrate the behaviors you wanted in the first place.  Ultimately this is the philosophy behind dog training, and ABA (as I understand it). It IS often an effective means of dealing with a behavior.  But there are many who find that a little bit of negative reinforcement balances the positivity, and drives points home.  I have often pointed out that "a person only sits on a cactus ONCE".  There is brain-based research cited in the mediation workshops I have been taking about exactly that phenomena - that our brains are "wired" to learn faster and more permanently from fear.  But history also proves that fear is a weak motivator in the long-term...  I am as much about building human dignity as the next guy - want to build MY dignity, so I want to build yours too - but my teaching experience has led me to find that there is an appropriate place and use of discipline and negative reinforcement.

So - the meltdown.  The argument (as I understand it) is that the meltdown is uncontrollable, un-stop-able, and as such, the person melting down should not be held accountable for the meltdown.  Like a seizure?  


So here what I typed in response to being told to "ignore it"  [as I have been told to do for my husband, my grandmother, other members of the family - since I can remember] :
I think this conversation has hit on the crux of the issue... I TOTALLY understand the desire/ need to say " mean things", to lash out verbally, even physically... I mean I have done it myself my whole life, but it is NOT socially acceptable to scream insults. The school does NOT forget, and basically builds a criminal record for the child... seen it happen time after time, and the child becomes the " usual suspect", and their self esteem is DESTROYED because they are the constant "bad guy"... and as for an adult... my husband CLEARLY engages in this cycle, and the implied threats at minimum leave me feeling completely without value....I have been told by close and outside sources they this is verbal abuse... it is NOT ok. I too dread the thought that my son will hurt another woman like I have been hurt... I tell my son (my whole family)- "you can be angry, but you CAN'T be mean!". NO ONE deserves to have insults hurled at them, and the reality is that the insult hurling makes people afraid. While I TOTALLY understand the need to manage the meltdown, I find it also imperative to decrease the number- to channel the energy into a place that is NOT threatening to others. I understand that advocacy can help to decrease the trigger- and the world is responsible for respecting and meeting those needs, but the autistic person is responsible for not insulting me, or anyone else. I know from experience that holding in those insults leads directly to self injury, but that's the point. The rules of freedom are that you are allowed to abuse yourself, NOT others.  PLEASE, do not misunderstand me. I TOTALLY believe that behavior = communication, and that the only answers and strategies lie in looking for context in the environment- self knowledge and self advocacy. 

 At the very least, I think demanding a sincere apology is reasonable... not because the autistic person doesn't have a right to melt down, but because I have the right to KNOW they "didn't mean it" - if I have the responsibility of putting up with the verbal abuse, they have the responsibility of apologizing, right? I mean is the act of apologizing "punishment"? There is still an underlying need to change the behavior/ re direct it, right?

I too RAGE against the universe.  I was OFTEN berated and disciplined as a child for "being willful", for yelling and screaming, for using the strength of my limbs to try to communicate the level of distress my words could not.  I broke doors, punched walls, lashed insults, tried to find the most hurtful thing I could think of to get people to just leave me the hell alone, I was... desperately unpleasant....  Certainly not all the time, and certainly my parents love me none-the-less, but there have been many who have crossed my path to point out that I lash out, that I am immensely hurtful with my language, tone and actions, and that I am just too excitable/ mean/ single-minded.  I have often said that my son displays behaviors seen in MANY other members of my family; he is not out of context... in fact, he is well within it.  

I certainly was NOT treated like these outbursts were "unconscious" like seizures... I was held responsible for the hurt I caused, and expected to not only remedy that hurt but to improve my behavior.  Did I feel like I could control it?  No.  But whether I felt like I could control it or not was not a requirement for fixing a problem (hurt) my behavior created (or compounded).  I was taught/ forced to apologize for my outbursts.  I was expected to tell the people I had said mean things about that I was sorry.  I learned to say sorry A LOT.  And I was berated for saying that too - told that I clearly didn't mean it since I didn't suddenly change my behavior.  As I moved into adulthood, I was told to quit apologizing for myself, but I just couldn't.  I kept lashing out and being hurtful, doing things that I didn't mean to, saying things I shouldn't have, surpassing my threshold and being passionately loud in my protest.  The screaming until I lost my voice transitioned into tears.  I spent many, many nights through high school just crying on my porch.

This "lashing out" and being insanely hurtful is not singular to me.  My husband has also done it.  I have been married 15 years, and have known him a  total of 20.  We had MANY, MANY episodes in which his frustration threshold was surpassed... If the freeway traffic was bad, I got a tongue-lashing.  If I forgot an item, especially if it resulted in embarrassment, he made me feel very, very tiny; but I somehow felt that he didn't mean it.  I spent many years telling myself that I should not sound like an abused person.  I cried and prayed, but I also recognized a piece of myself in him - a thing that was so very like me, that was not named, but so clearly "there".  My family had reservations about our relationship, but I was determined (obsessed?) - my decision made, my commitment final.  And I sought strategies.  I learned that when a decision had to be made (whether it was to go to a restaurant or buy a car) I needed to spend as much time as possible preparing him for the choice.  It wasn't even as if I had to talk him into what I wanted, it was that I just had to help him be ready to even make a choice.  The story of our engagement is indicative:  2 years from promise ring to engagement ring.  6+ months from "will you marry me?" to a ring on my hand.  NOTHING happened fast, and there was always MUCH negotiating, processing.  His coping mechanism is not about widening, his is about narrowing.  A valid mechanism, but not one I understood.  And he learned that mechanism from his family too...


What I heard from his family is exactly what I heard in mine - "consider the source and ignore" - he/she can't help him/herself to say hurtful things, it is just "how he/she responds to stress", so just pretend you didn't hear them.  Just don't take it personally when you are called an idiot because of frustration with an inanimate object, or circumstances beyond your control...

IS the person having the meltdown absolved of responsibility for their actions?

This question of violent language and action is mentioned in several other responses on that FB post - by many others besides myself.  We, parents of autistic kids, have been told over and over that it is part and parcel of the condition, that we should just "suck it up" and put our child's needs before EVERYTHING else - even public safety (or the perception of safety).  One mother outlined a situation EXACTLY like mine, where her son yelled through the school halls that he hates people and will kill them.  I don't feel like those threats define his personality!  While these threats are easy to "dismiss" in a 5 year old, the school system is, none-the-less, required to document these incidents and builds a "history".  We felt our only option to protect him was to remove him so they don't have the opportunity to build that history!  They are clearly not providing the supports he needs if it has gotten to this meltdown stage - but once he gets there - HOW DO WE FIX THIS?!?!?!  Ignoring it is NOT a realistic/ viable option!  How do we follow up?

Here was the response, to my specific comment:

you are making the meltdown about you. That is never okay. If you are sincere that you have empathy for the person having the meltdown than that sincere can translate to you being able to drop it just as easy as you asking for a sincere apology. You (and all you guys) should spend just a few hours over the next weeks reading how it feels from an autistic perspective after a meltdown. We all feel like shit really badly. We do not have ability to express and you talking about it and especially talking about as if it is about you, will invalidate our emotions and needs at best and destroy us (our self esteem) at worst. Over time (as your child grows) you will be able to do more and more talking about this. Most of us actually largely outgrow meltdowns.

I admit that my experience colors my perception of this response. 
First of all, I am hearing that I a need to prove my "empathy", that I need to prove that I am autistic "enough" to "get it".  In fact, the first draft of this included lots more about my behaviors to prove that I really do understand what it means to have a meltdown, but I have removed them to protect my loved ones from the embarrassment of analyzing my relationships with them publicly.  It has taken YEARS for me to understand what information would embarrass others, and I am using that insight... I do not wish to hurt them further.  I am VERY peeved by the open insinuation that I just have not tried hard enough to "see it from an autistic perspective".  I certainly will NEVER see it from your perspective, I am not you - but you're not me either - so don't assume that I "don't get it"...
Secondly, I feel like I have to prove that I understand the crappiness felt by the person in the aftermath.  Again - My first draft included a description of the guilt I have carried for YEARS, about my destroyed self esteem, about my suicide attempts, about the self injury - but social decorum says that is my baggage, not for public consumption - don't assume that I don't understand...
Thirdly, I can tell you that NOT all adults "outgrow" meltdowns - my husband sure didn't!  I feel like I have been able to redirect, but ONLY through open exploration of the before, during and after - only by seeking the widest context for the meltdowns and accusations and threats made to me by ALL the family who have done it as well as those made by me.  It has taken years of reflection and empathy about the relationships I have built and how I have maintained them, both with specific people who I feel hurt by as well as my general patterns of behavior.  IGNORING it did NOT solve the problem...

And FOR ME an APOLOGY is an important part of the process.  

First of all, it reassures both me and the receiving party that I really DIDN'T mean it, that it was an uncontrolled outburst - that neither one of us has to buy that hype.
Secondly, it protects me.  It is no secret that cops and judges will reduce consequences for truly repentant perpetrators.  We do it to each other too.   By offering the immediate apology, as well as the one days later when I've thought about it, I protect myself from the worst of the very real consequences of violence I incited (no matter how justified).
Thirdly, it DOES help rebuild my self esteem.  Once I can clearly identify how I hurt someone and I act to rectify that hurt, I can respect myself again.  I can forgive myself more readily because I have acknowledged their feelings too, and made them and myself equally important emotionally.  I am effectively communicating how crappy I feel about it with out the self injury.
Fourthly, it is a tactic that is widely socially acceptable and understood (at least in my context of a Judeo-Christian West - but I think it is more universal than that, I just don't have the personal experience to vouch for it).  It is a mechanism that crosses that divide of assumption - that place where I am, or am not, autistic enough to create a sense of relatedness, a sense of being understood.  

Regardless of whether the person "means" they are "sorry", it is an important social construct - like being sorry for stepping on toes in a crowd, or bowling someone over on the street.  An apology opens the door for that honest/ frank conversation about what the "real" problem was (the need that should have been met in the first place).  That opening door will lead to healing.  And I am not talking about the "you are so weird you need to be cured" healing, I am talking about the ability to forgive one's self, the place where you really can hear/ feel what the other person felt, the reflection that enables self advocacy because you honestly know how to "meet in the middle", that place where you get frustrated enough with yourself that you create change, the ability to grow - the healing that gives you permission to be patient with yourself.

I stay with my husband because he has learned to say, and mean, that he is sorry - to show me that he finds my "roses" well worth my "thorns" and that he really is trying to respect me, not just use me as his overload dumping ground.  I want my kids to develop that ability too - to be able to use the language/ vocabulary that connects them to forgiveness (by self & others).  Do I think my 8 year old really "means" he is sorry?  Yes - I KNOW he is, because we have been dealing with the aftermath of his guilt for over a year now (regarding his violent outbursts).  But how would he be able to even broach that guilt if I he didn't know to say he was sorry?  I would HATE for him to think he had to bear that hurt alone...

On [My current] Self-esteem

So, I am guessing this is as much a reflection of how I see the Asperger's in myself as much as an exploration of it's blow to my confidence...

I had a DRASTIC miscommunication this past month with another mother in my Girl Scout troop.  I inadvertently hurt her feelings VERY badly, and it has just left me shaking.... 

PLEASE NOTE: In True Aspie fashion, I am probably going to share too many details here. Understand that my effort is NOT to embarrass anyone [but myself] but to try to explore the reasons and effects of the miscommunication...

Thinking Day in Girl Scouting explores scouts around the world, since it is the anniversary of the day that Lord and Lady Powell (brother & sister) founded the world wide scouting movement.  In most locales, troops get together and share information about other countries - an academic pursuit, but also a time to try new foods, new costumes, new crafts... just explore information.  My troop has decided to explore Spain... largely because I suggested it.  Which I did because I have been there and have stuff the girls can touch and see from Spain.  There was a democratic vote from a long list of countries offered by many girls and adults in the troop... but Spain was selected.  I am the newest leader in this troop, so I am "cool" right now, and I will admit that this may have effected the mindsets of the girls...

Another mom in the troop has traditionally taken on this particular project/ event, and has done a knock up job at it, by all accounts.  She does NOT have familiarity with Spain, so I sent out an email to her and the main leader about Spain.  The problem, of course, is that I know too much, have trouble narrowing it down, and am passionate about my knowledge - WAY too into it, and see it connected in so many ways... As I told them - I think in "circles", not lines, or even outlines, and I have a VERY hard time telling what the Key Points are because they are ALL key to me... every detail is attached to another, to create the whole picture.   What do the girls need to know about Spain? EVERYTHING! So I wrote them a summary, from a couple different view points (cultural icons vs historical themes vs locations)... and asked them to help pick out what they wanted to stress.

The other mom checked her resources too, and brought to my attention a couple details I had forgotten - like tapas.  So I responded to her that she was correct, but then elaborated the definition of tapas, trying to validate and deepen the discussion...

Unfortunately I used the same "voice" I speak with - except that the typed word just does NOT have enough italics and caps and bold to communicate the connotation my head is trying to impart.  

So I wrote some words in all caps...

And it was taken as yelling, as an insult to intelligence, as an affront to her attempt to add to the conversation...

And that created a bad personal politics situation for the whole troop and the whole event - because she decided that the best way to deal with my mannerisms was to withdraw.  I would like to validate her course of action.  The American Way is ALL about being able to withdraw from the game, about being allowed to go separate ways with out malice or violent repercussions... I often tell students that what is Great about America is that EVERYONE has the right to be wrong - we do NOT have to agree. 

So, I was wrong.

And it came to tears.  I insulted her effort to help with the one event all year tat she volunteers to do.  It was hurtful.  She went to the head leader, and I walked in on the conversation on accident, and it was all made aware to me...

And I was hurt.  I was, and am, SO VERY VERY sorry that my enthusiasm was misunderstood, and came across as threatening!  I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY!!!!  

So, I did what I have always been trained to do... I assumed responsibility for the misunderstanding, the miscommunication.  I told her that I was sorry, that I have found my enthusiasm to be overwhelming and threatening to others before and that I just forgot myself and got carried away, that I by NO means meant "yelling", and had truly intended to validate her research and contribution.  

She looked to me still upset...

So I continued talking...

And I explained  that I have an Aspie kid, and I must be Aspie too, and that I clearly needed to work on the same skills I was trying to teach my child...

And the whole conversation changed.

She too has a Spectrum child, older than mine, high functioning, like mine... but in that moment her body language changed... I felt like she diagnosed me, and dismissed me instantly.

I felt like I had given her a weapon to use against me.

Now, being "Aspie" - it is possible I TOTALLY mis-read this.  Maybe she just felt more comfortable, but I felt vulnerable.

And my confidence is CRUSHED.  How can I teach my children what I apparently cannot do?  How can I arm my children with strategies that do not work for me?  Am I honestly just too intense?  AM I a threat to others?  Is it really SUCH a crime to be passionate, enthusiastic, intense?

Tomorrow night I leave for a professional conference, a 3 day event, at which I am supposed to represent myself to the "camp" industry.  My deepest hope is to bring the world to see that "camp", that "experiential education" is a LEGITIMATE educational format, a forum that is NEEDED in today's educational environment.  To "learn by doing" would help ALL students, but ESPECIALLY SPECTRUM STUDENTS!!!!  I often tell "camp" people - all those kids that "fall through the cracks" in schools, we can "CATCH" them when we take them out for team building activities and challenge courses!  

But I am also DEEPLY afraid that my enthusiasm will hurt my cause, that my passion for helping those kids, like mine, that NEED  to learn by getting their whole bodies and hearts involved will scare others away...

I am so afraid to "let my light shine" lest it burn the corneas of those who need to approach...

And understand - I do not blame the other mom.  It is possible that she "overreacted", but that is immaterial to the fact that I triggered her reaction...  I did not do what I keep trying to teach my kids to do - I did NOT make the people around me comfortable with me.

And that brings me to question: WHY am I ingrained with taking the responsibility?  WHY do I "make" myself the victim, the trouble maker?  Is this part of the Social Discrimination that Adult Autistics are trying to bring to light?

clearing myself for 2012

So I am going to try to empty my head of fear so I can make room for the hope...

My husband's work is directly involved with the Fiscal Cliff, so there has been little upbeat conversation around our parts in weeks...

I know that the upcoming year will include testing for my youngest's hearing & speech - maybe even more fights (with insurance, but maybe school too if she can't read and pass the standardized tests - they'll MAKE her come back to school).  I have not documented as much about our struggles with/ for her.  She is "NT" - BUT she has some slight hearing loss - didn't pass her hearing test until she was 6 months old - they told me it was because her ear canals are so small and were full of vernix.  So at 3, when I was concerned about speech, we went an Audiologist - who told me she had Auditory Processing Disorder, but that it couldn't be officially diagnosed until age 6 (just like all the ASD labels).  She went to school for about a year to receive speech services, but we pulled her out just after we did my son (to homeschool) because of the big political fight we went through with/ for him.  The speech therapist at the school told me her problem was an over sensitive gag reflex, it kept her from making guttural sounds.  Sounded in line with all the sensory issues her brother has, so I didn't think twice about it.  She has consonant sounds now IF she concentrates and slows down, but not in conversation.  I continue to be VERY concerned about the vowel sounds - she clearly just does not hear them in isolation...  We had an medical speech eval just this month (about to turn 3) so that it would be "evidence" for the audiologist that something is "not right".  This therapist seems pretty outraged by the not clearing her ears earlier as well as by the idea that "gagging" is her problem.  But this speech therapist is also moving in 3 weeks, so I don't know how it will play out.  I did get to hear an audiologist speak to a local ASD parent group - and he was ADAMANT that only audiologists can diagnose Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), and that it CAN be done earlier than 6.  I read a LONG book about it from the library.  It was VERY detailed and I don't think I caught all of it.  Guess I should read it again...  I am just anxious about what could be more fighting with the insurance companies about what treatments are funded and so forth.  I am VERY VERY concerned about her reading - and I am fearful that she will NOT pass the standardized testing this spring and the schools will put me on "probation" for a year.  But worrying doesn't teach her...

I am thinking we need to look VERY hard into vision testing for my eldest's - we are seeing some clear patterns come up in his reluctance to read.  He has read above grade level up to thus point - WELL above grade level.  But I have always said that I think he is photographic memorizing all this/ these words. - like every word is a logo.  There is plenty of brain-based-learning research that show that we all learn to read that way (that letter passed around the internet with just the first and last letters in place & the rest jumbled...)  He was able to read 3rd grade level books (lines spaced out) out loud to me last year, but when we moved to the 4th & 5th grade level (lines close together) - he protested MIGHTILY.  So with nearly a year of trying to up his reading - he is now loudly protesting that he cannot read at all.  I have talked to him a couple times about it, but since I can't get him to an eye doc I haven't really pushed him about it.  I was not entirely sure that he could get his face in that binocular think that he'd need to look into.  He did say yes when I asked him if the letters "move around on the page" - I have heard that description in other ASD resources.  I know that I personally have the problem that my eyes are not "level" in my head and I see "ghost" images of letters when my eyes get tired.  Maybe we need to look into reading glasses or vision therapy?  I don't even know what vision therapy involves, but I am betting it is not covered by insurance...

That kid also had a speech eval recently.  The speech therapist was concerned that he was getting nodes on his vocal chords from the way he was screaming.  Her assessment is that I need to get him to an ENT to visually check his vocal chords, that the way he talks is "odd" and stresses his vocal chords, but speech therapy would be no use right now because the sensory stuff is so off he can't hear himself making the noises.  She agreed that maybe voice lessons (singing or acting) could help him when he gets older...

I am anxious about what all this means financially and emotionally, for all of us...  I am aware that part of the reason he struggled in school was because I was deeply entrenched in a political fight and that stress affected him.  I get nauseous just thinking about the potential arguing... and I NEED to not borrow trouble!

I am particularly worried about the continuing fallout of the bullying that happened at school.  Here is a post from Facebook yesterday:
Just to be sure I document this... we had a VERY sad exchange with JT this past week...

We were tickle "fighting" when his sister got frustrated at him and shoved him. I reminded her that words are the most powerful resource we have and she needs to communicate with her words, not her body. (she is supposedly NT)

JT immediately and loudly burst into tears and screamed, "that is not true!!! I asked them to stop and they didn't!!!" I asked him if he was referring to school, and he said yes. I tried to explain that I thought the adults at school were NOT good listeners and were NOT doing their job of helping children be nice to one another. he then cried that he was a bad person for saying mean things back to the kids that were mean to him (which we did tell him last year, and IS true - even if his behavior was understandable). He agreed to "write letters of apology" for me to take to the school since I am not sure they will let him visit...

I think that even when we KNOW, we underestimate how much bullying affects a child... It has been over 1 year since we removed him from school...

I feel like I should contact the school leadership and let them know  what they have wrought!  But I am also very afraid to ever go there again.  And I do not believe in my heart that it will make a difference for the children who are still there...  Sadly I think we will just be swept under the rug, again. I would LOVE to offer my son closure on this - to let him go back to school n person and offer those apologies, but I do NOT think they will let him.  Or they will try to use it to force him to come back...

This year should also see some changing politics at my work.  There is a large potential leadership change or shift coming in this year.  I just feel like there are lots of loose ends, lots of unattached powers, waiting to anchor themselves.  I am anxious about how the politics above me will affect me, but also about whether I will be able to navigate the political winds effectively...  I have a habit if struggling with that.  I am wondering If I will "grow" professionally, and if I should be growing professionally...  the whole stay-at-home-mother, home-schooling, can-i-get-enough-therapy guilt is undermining what my heart feels to be a "correct" direction for me to move in.  I think that being a better experiential educator will enable me to be a better mother and teacher for my kids too...

I am also a little disappointed in myself. I want to "grow"/ strengthen my intuitive gifts.  I feel like I received a... message? reprimand?... about faith and doubt.  I am trying to sort through my head Truths I had thought resolved when I was a teen.  I guess that it would be time to revisit them if it's been that long...  I am able to legitimate when my son seems to manifest a "psychic moment" but I am just not sure I can do it for myself.  I have to say the Dec 21st thing has thrown me a curve.  My ASD kiddo had a weeping lesion on his face for 10 days prior (the whole mall visit thing) - and it resolved itself on the 21st...  One psychic I follow said she felt an up-welling of good energy that day.  I didn't...  

But the whole point of the Mayan Calendar is that the world started over, that we have reached a New Age of.... something.  

I am hoping that the new year is a new phase, a new place to be awesome, a new way of being for us, a BETTER way of being.  Unfortunately I am not sure what that looks like.  I am not "building the vision" in my head... I am trying to just be open to what manifests.

So here's to a GREAT manifestation!!!! or seven... ;)

On Meditation

So, about a month ago I went to a seminar on meditation at the Smithsonian.  I Am not sure what I expected to happen, but I knew I was seeking some "thing" and needed to go to this event.

Before the event even started I had a rather interesting experience just getting off the metro and crossing the Mall.  I walked into an Autism Speaks walk.  I had seen some sorority girls on the train (a gaggle of them) and they exited with me - and I saw them go man a both of games.  As I walked closer to the center of the event, I was overwhelmed with emotion, to the point of tears sliding down my face.  I stood in the middle a moment, and then went to look at the booths.  I noticed organizations I didn't know about in my area - therapy places I would have latched on to 2 years ago.  The funny thing was, that I couldn't even name the strong emotion I was feeling.   I almost wanted to just thank people for caring so much to get together, but then I had this undertone of coming at it from the wrong angle, like there was passion to be heard, but that the forum (?) wasn't quite "right".  I noticed all the families/  teams in their colored T-shirts, identifying a child they supported, the one they wanted to heal.  I kept thinking about overwhelming numbers of people. (Know that I am a born performer and do NOT have crowd anxiety).  So, I just stood there in the middle of this event, crying, and .... nothing.  No one spoke to me, no one looked at me.... I almost felt invisible.  I have almost never had that feeling before - I am pretty flamboyant.

And so, I left and went to my class.  As soon as I turned the corner from the gathering - the intensity left me, the "pressure"/ "sensation"/ whatever-it-was just dissipated and I felt "normal".

I have a "gut feeling" theory about what happened, but I am not sure I want to put it in words- yet.

So The seminar was informative, and I enjoyed it.  I knew that I was seeking some kind of link with our journey with Autism and whatever meditation is/ does, but I did not know what I was looking for, what the connection would be.  I think I will need to do some more mediating and research to see it clearly.  This particular seminar had a great emphasis on brain mapping and brain function with meditation - which DOES have strong connections.  At the very end, the instructor talked about a study that looked at brain imaging while decision making, and his point was that meditators make wiser decisions (it was a money offer thing) - but an audience member brought up that the actions of the non-meditators were a natural part of the bartering process...a form of communication if you will...  In the context of how he explained the study, it was as if the meditators were able to choose to forgo the social bantering in light of the end result (getting a little money gift)... I am compelled to consider then how that works with the diagnostic criteria of "social awkwardness" - are we saying that it is ok to choose to not follow social conventions, but if you are unaware of them to begin with you have a problem?  

I think this is an extension of the communication argument   How do I know or believe that there is conscious thought when I cannot communicate with it, "touch" it?  We seek "signs" of communcation all the time - the person in a coma who can lift a finger when we speak, or the dog who goes to the door when we say "outside", or the object in the drawer that wasn't there before we prayed for it... how about the look from your husband showing he will get the diaper, or the hug from your mom that shows she really can't stop loving you, or the child who does something you've asked (over and over) for the first time.  That's ALL we are really looking for, is "proof" that "someone is in there" and we are connected to them.

So when Theory of Mind says Autistic people don't have any inkling of what others around them are thinking, that they even are thinking - are we saying that we can't make effective "contact"?  There are too many parents, too many families that KNOW that not to be true, that have WITNESSED the empathy and concern.  We ARE making contact.  But it's like we are in totally different worlds, bridging unbridgeable gaps...

I had some insights on the mechanics of mediation itself too...

Meditation is NOT about stilling your mind.  The whole "thing" about meditation is self-awareness, self-acceptance.  It is characterized by being able to live "in the moment" - not trying to hold on to a past or avoid a future. There were 2 things the instructor said that REALLY hit home with me:

1
Think of your mind as the sky- VAST.  Your thoughts are like the clouds, the weather.  They roll around inside the sky, but the sky is always bigger than the weather.  His instruction was to "see" the cloud, the thought, identify it, and let it just pass through.  Just let it "be" there without holding on to it...  Here's what I saw:

From the top of the mesa you can see the sky for ever, from the curvature of the Earth to the mountains reaching for the heavens.  Settlers walking across America could see landmarks for weeks (sometimes 4 to 6) before they were actually at them.  If you haven't driven across the deserts and seen the Big Sky - you need to follow in Lightening McQueen's footsteps and do it. Historic Latin American literature features the Bigger Than Life geography that is America.  From Skyline Drive, Virginia I can see at least 13 ridges of mountains to my west, stretching into West Virginia and Kentucky - places I cannot drive in one day, and each nook and cranny holds a story, several epic life histories.  The sky is VAST.  From the top of the mesa, I saw the clouds, casting great shadows across the Earth - you drive through them on the interstate, can see the lines on the ground of dark & light - but from the top of the mesa you can see the shadow footprint of entire clouds.  Then a Great Thunderhead Storm, rolls across the desert - you can see the cloud extending up beyond your sight into the atmosphere, and hear the thunder crash across the flat lands.  The Earth turns dark beneath it, from the shadow and from the deluge of water that is washing the ground below.  I have driven in one of those in Albuquerque.  On one side of the line the ground was sandy, and on the other mud, rain so thick wipers could NOT keep the windshield clear, and you saw it as you came into town, could see the ribbon of highway leading into the heart of the storm, and disappearing into the wall of water.  I have also seen those storms from the top of the mesa that stay away from the highway, that follow the alleys of the mountains and rivers, that seek nature's curves and convolutions - not man's straight highways.  You can see them for hours, and then never get "in" them.

And I had a sudden insight.  I suddenly understood what it meant to live "in the moment".  If I am standing atop the mesa or the mountain, I can observe and eventually predict with some accuracy the familiar path of travel the clouds will follow, but I cannot stand atop the height and call them to me!  There is no use in worrying about the cloud that will never reach me.  It will either come, or it will not.  And if and when it does, it shall pass - it cannot "stay".  I will have some consequences of the cloud's path to deal with, whether they are big or small, but I will again return to the sun and find glory in it's warmth and power.  If I spend all my time preparing for the Great Thunderhead, then I will not have time for the light mists, or the sunny days, or the rainbows.... and I may spend time being afraid of a Great Thunderhead that will NEVER cross my path! 

Then, I had a vision, of "falling"/ "flying" off the mesa into the cloud, of pulling the Great Thunderhead to me and pulling me to it - and I suddenly understood all the conversation about creating our reality, about finding what you seek, about how our expectations determine our outcomes!  By "choosing" to be as big as the sky and let the cloud follow its path, I free myself from it.  It will either come, or it will not.  I will have times when I am wet, and times when I am dry.  Peace is NOT in "stillness", it is in bobbing through the changes, rolling with the punches, dancing with time, not trying to hold it.

2
Love trumps everything.  Most cultures hold this Truth, but in meditation, the idea is that your self-love, self-acceptance is what creates your ability to be as "big as the sky".  If you are trying to form the clouds because you fear them, then you will be immersed in them, not larger than them, but if you you can find a place to value, to love everything you find, then you can accept it into the picture and allow it to "be".  The lesson of meditation is that love starts within yourself, and once you can accept you, even with your shortcomings, then you can accept others.  Once you have "loved" your own pain (looked at it, felt it, valued it, solved it) you can look to others with compassion because you know their pain too.  Empathy, compassion - the outward expressions of Love - have to begin with in the self to have genuine understanding.  And Love trumps EVERYTHING.

Love and JOY are NOT the same thing.  As an Autism Mom, I find Love even in things that do NOT bring me joy... like cleaning crap out of the carpet or finding an entire bottle of shampoo emptied in sink, or seeing my grandmother's arm chair collapsed from jumping.  These actions bring me sorrow, but I can choose to either Love them or Fear them.  If I am choosing Love, I see these sorrowful events as windows into my child's function, communications into his needs - whether they are sensory or emotional or intellectual.  With Love, I can use these as opportunities to connect with my child and then define new ways to relate (act towards one another).  Fear drives me to correct without providing alternatives, with out identifying the underlying drive (communication), and if I continue to operate fearfully, I will undermine whatever  loving actions could have been manifested, continue to warp our relations with fear.

I speak of this often to my children.  There are so many "things" they need to know about God and religion, but ultimately there is One Truth:

Make EVERY decision out if Love. COMMIT LOVING ACTS.

In discussions about social appropriateness (that was a rude thing to say), in discipline about treating resources wisely/ respectfully (not breaking toys, not leaving messes), in demonstrating treatment of animals (gentle hands on the dog), in helping them accept their differences (refereeing their jealousy, offering them labels to call themselves) - in ALL things, there is One Truth that could motivate ALL their actions - COMMIT LOVING ACTS.  I tell my kids all the time, that the only rule is to COMMIT LOVING ACTS.  If you Love someone, you will think about how your actions and words affect them  - you will try to think about if something you are doing will worry them (wander too far, eat unhealthy things, practice dangerous activities, etc.) and you will show you love them by helping them not worry (building TRUST).  Jesus said: Love others as you love yourself.  So DO that, be kind to yourself and others!  Forgive yourself and others! Take care of yourself and others! Be sure that every act you make is motivated from Love, and you will not mess up!

This discussion has been helpful to us in so may arenas.  I use it to talk about Star Wars (Anakin commits murder out of FEAR for Padme, for the vision of her death he sees.  He could have made the decision to LOVE her every minute he had her, but he did not - and his redemption comes when he chooses to LOVE Luke instead of FEARing the Emperor.)
We use it to talk about conservation (we can choose to LOVE the land and those who live on it, to honor their natural processes, to be a respectful part of that process because we LOVE it and share it, or we can act out of FEAR that people don't think like us and have to be kept away from nature, or FEAR that putting animals first will destroy what we already have or could have).  We use this to talk about our daily wranglings with family dynamics (your sister sees you get extra time with therapy, she is AFRAID that she gets less time because we don;t love her, how can we show her we LOVE her?  You grandmother's body is very tired, and soon it will no longer work for her.  She is AFRAID that we will forget her, how can we show her we LOVE her?  Your bother hears people talk about how different he is all the time.  Do you think that he is AFRAID he is not supposed to be different? How can we show him we LOVE his differences?). I use it to talk about sensory processing (We are doing something new, we don't know for sure what we will need to do, but should we avoid it because we FEAR the unknown or should we prepare ourselves and LOVE learning).

Ultimately, every decision by every person is driven by one thing: what you think of "people" - either you FEAR them, or you LOVE them - either you go through your life expecting to be lied to, cheated, hurt or you go through your life expecting the best of everyone - including yourself.  And it IS a choice.  And you, a parent, shape the direction your child will face first.

Back to the seminar: I expect to follow up with the instructor or another formal meditation community (because I learn better in community) and keep exploring, because for me, it is will probably be an effective window into action.

Sufferring

So today, I killed 2 mice.

They were stuck in a sticky trap laid out by our exterminator, over 1 year ago. As in the trap was a year old, the mice were still alive.  One was very small, the other bigger and very vocal.

A baby & parent?

The baby was laying in the glue, whole belly, NOT getting out, and was clearly exhausted.  The adult had pulled off it's tail and one leg in an effort to get off the glue.  It even lunged off the tray when I picked it up to put it in a bucket.

I know this is the "order" of the universe, and removing those mice from my home protects MY children from disease, but it was very, very difficult to watch the suffering and feel the fear emanating off them.  I needed to help end their suffering.

I called my dad for ideas, and we talked through options.  The best way to end their lives quickly without creating more opportunities for hurt (like me being bit, or my dog getting into poison) was to step on them.  My dad talked me through it, and I did.

I prayed for their pain to end, for the sacrifice of those tiny lives to reach God and be honored.  I feel REALLY REALLY bad right now, VERY dirty - like Lady MacBeth.

The problem is that I am just SO in a belief of connection, that every act is related to another. My mind seeks symbolism in every thing I see.  I am convinced that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and that this occurred just today because I needed to think about it.

A parent sacrificing itself for a child who just made a bad choice.

Unfortunately that sounds AMAZINGLY like what we have been dealing with the last few weeks.  My son did not deal well with a transition last week. He was with a babysitter, in a public library, and he made an untimely outburst that was VERY hateful and exaggerated   The very timing of it indicates that he knew it would be impactful.  The babysitter has been falsely accused before of child abuse, and the whole incident, in such a public venue renewed her fears.

My first thought was, "Welcome to autism - trapped in your own home, fearing misunderstanding and unsolicited 'help' at every turn" - for YEARS my husband and I have talked about such incidents.  My son made threats to teachers and classmates at school, it was a BIG part of the reason we took him out and decided to homeschool, for fear that his violent outbursts and inaccurate descriptions of how he hated being at home and hated us would lead to... investigations, or actions.  We have been told that these are typical of Autism, that the lashing out with violent words or actions is the "behavior that is communication for those who cannot communicate".  I understand EXACTLY how that works - but my son CAN communicate - he has MANY MANY words - talks incessantly actually.  And while I can definitely say that he lives in an alternate universe in his head, he DOES see how his actions impact others and has shown active manipulation of others.  

FEAR underlies all our outings with him, just like it does for so many families on the spectrum...

Then I realized how concerned she was, and how real that fear is.. that people DO get accused falsely, incorrectly, and that maybe it IS only a matter of time before someone tries to take my child because they misunderstand his reality, or he misunderstands ours...

How do I arm him?  How do I protect him when he will not protect himself, or cannot protect himself?  What should I be sacrificing to save him?  I have sacrificed time and money and career, and his sister's schedule, and our friends....  Will I truly die, making a small fatal mistake trying to save a child who cannot be saved?  Which of the myriad of mistakes is that last mistake, the one too far, the one that will not let me come back to protect my other children?

God, please honor the sacrifice of those small souls, of those whose suffering I caused directly and those whose suffering I caused indirectly.  Please forgive me for causing suffering.   Please help us in our family's journey, to help us avoid the pitfalls, to control our responses, to solve problems instead of create them.   Dear God, PLEASE protect all of us, from each other and from ourselves, so that the dynamic we are creating will support growth for all of us.  Please let the suffering be manageable.  And God, IF the suffering  is great, please send someone along who can show us mercy and at least make it brief, but PLEASE do NOT let it reach THAT.... please.

UPDATE:  The next day, we went to OT - her observation?: his meltdowns/ outbursts are zero to huge too quick - there is no build up, so we can't see any triggers.  He needs to be seen at the university ASAP and we should look VERY closely in Seasonal Effective Disorder...  I am NOT crazy, I am NOT making this shit up, it IS insane.

This weekend we had a cub scout camp out - he was AWESOME - a few meltdowns, but on-point when he needed to be - did a skit with no hesitation, went to bed when told, ate what he was offered, played well with others.  After camp out we did a corn maze, only upset in competition with his sister, asked his daddy to buy a honey straw for each member of the family in our favorite flavors (and accurate with that) - totally lost it when we got home.  Refused to help empty car & clean-up - started talking about death and killing and just ran a stream of unpleasantries through the whole process.   How is it that he is "here" with us one minute and just NOT the next?